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posted by simpleplan
There are many words i could use to describe how I feel about 당신 right now. None of them are nice

To know me is to 사랑 me, to hurt me is to dig your own grave.

I want a tazer =)

Has gone to play in traffic.

Is breathing oxygen

I don't have anger issues...You have acceptance issues.

당신 can 이메일 your complaints to gofuckyourself@idontgiveashit.com

Is wondering if people are two-faced, does that mean 당신 get to slap them twice?

Has new boxing gloves and a nasty temper, fancy your chances???

I like it when people give me a reason to nurture my dark side

SMOKING SAVES LIVES ... It stops me strangling the kids on a daily basis

Ever feel like stapling someones ear to their 책상, 데스크 and slam a sticky note on their head that says "Help me, my ear is stuck to the table"?

Lead me not into temptation... I have a damn good idea where to find it all ready!

If you're looking for the perfect woman, 당신 have two options. Mother Teresa, 또는 Barbie... One of them is dead, sorry to hear 당신 play with dolls.

Live like 당신 were dying tomorrow, because if 당신 keep annoying me, 당신 might

Just a little case of mood poisoning... Must be something I hate.

When all else fails, grab a shovel and bury the bitch

Be the kind of women who gets up in the morning, puts her feet on the floor and makes the devil scream "OH NO!! THE 암캐, 암 캐 IS AWAKE!!"

I DID NOT TRIP! The floor just looked like it REALLY needed a hug

Has a firm grip on reality *~* and is slowly CHOKING THE CRAP OUT OF IT!

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband
added by Jeffersonian
posted by BlackSunshine
Something I got in an e-mail. Still pretty funny. Especially since I've done a few...

1. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open 의해 themselves.

2. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call 당신 Admiral.

3. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until 당신 hear the penny 당신 dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

4. Do Tai Chi exercises.

5. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

6. Meow occasionally....
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"We need" means "I want"

"It's your decision" means "The correct decision should be obvious 의해 now"

"Do what 당신 want "means" You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" means "I need to complain


"Sure...go ahead" means"I don't want 당신 to.

"I'm not upset"means "Of course I'm upset, 당신 moron."

"You're...so manly "means" 당신 need a shave and 당신 sweat a lot."

"You're certainly attentive tonight." means     "Is sex all 당신 ever think about?"

"I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" means     "I'm on my period."

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" means     "I...
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added by blackrose294
added by Ranty-cat
Source: Twitter
added by iamjune
added by SilentForce
added by DeiJambastion
Source: Dei
added by tanyya
posted by Nick16
Why did I get divorced????

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do 당신 mind if I goin to the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 분 later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling,"SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
added by Mollymolata
added by shaneoohmac13
I 사랑 skirts and dresses. They are so pretty. Every woman walks down looking good in them no matter who they are. I could wear any of those dresses and skirts that anyone from kim Kardashian wears to the 치마 that older women wear across the street. I would wear one on a daily basis but there is a problem I'm a man.

Men can only wear trousers and shorts, if anyone sees a man in a 치마 또는 a dress it is considered wierd 또는 stupid. But is it? A 투표 i took on this club of 20 people, 75% said yes to say that men should wear womens clothes and still be men and I am one of them.

Most people would...
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posted by shomill
Is it possible to 사랑 someone that doesn’t really exist? Think about it. We do it all the time. A boy in high school sees a pretty girl on the other side of the classroom and imagines taking her to a rock concert. A girl dreams of a romantic picnic with the cute guy that just moved in across the street. These people might exist, but the way we visualize them is almost certainly wrong. I’m as guilty of this as anyone. Then, if we finally get to know these people that we’ve fantasized about, we’re crushed to learn that they are not who we thought they were. Why? Because, quite frankly,...
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added by 3xZ
added by tanyya