Survey reveals 상단, 맨 위로 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined 더 많이 than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had 의해 far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags 의해 Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell 당신 what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years 또는 more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man 다음 to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun 샵 and buys a handgun. The 다음 일 she comes 집 to find her husband in 침대 with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can 당신 teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in 사랑 - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop 노래 the 'Green Green 잔디 of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've 로스트 three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other 일 and I said, 'Have 당신 got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two 물고기 in a tank, and one says ''How do 당신 drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other 일 but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I 사랑 the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to 신고 a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not 당신 again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a 날짜 but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A 샌드위치 walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve 음식 in here''
25. The other 일 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did 당신 get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper 샵 - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are 당신 two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other 일 I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this 오리 came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having 공식 만찬, 저녁 식사 with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other 일 I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if 당신 opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a 터틀, 거북 disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a 카약 were chilly. But when they lit a 불, 화재 in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that 당신 can't have your 카약 and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in 사랑 with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. 당신 see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell 당신 what I 사랑 doing 더 많이 than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner 샵 - bought 4 corners.
49. A 봉인, 인감 walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined 더 많이 than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had 의해 far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags 의해 Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell 당신 what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the list are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years 또는 more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man 다음 to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun 샵 and buys a handgun. The 다음 일 she comes 집 to find her husband in 침대 with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can 당신 teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in 사랑 - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop 노래 the 'Green Green 잔디 of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've 로스트 three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other 일 and I said, 'Have 당신 got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two 물고기 in a tank, and one says ''How do 당신 drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other 일 but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I 사랑 the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to 신고 a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not 당신 again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a 날짜 but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A 샌드위치 walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve 음식 in here''
25. The other 일 I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did 당신 get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper 샵 - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are 당신 two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other 일 I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this 오리 came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having 공식 만찬, 저녁 식사 with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other 일 I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if 당신 opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a 터틀, 거북 disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a 카약 were chilly. But when they lit a 불, 화재 in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that 당신 can't have your 카약 and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in 사랑 with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. 당신 see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell 당신 what I 사랑 doing 더 많이 than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner 샵 - bought 4 corners.
49. A 봉인, 인감 walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
1 = Tap your pencil continuously on your 책상, 데스크 또는 forehead.
2 = If 당신 have long hair, flip it in someones face.
3 = Keep on shifting your chair.
4 = Keep on whispering Hi.
5 = Tell them after class "They know now". Trust me it scares them.
6 = Ask them where they live..
7 = Ask them if they watch America's 다음 상단, 맨 위로 Model every day.
8 = Ask them every 일 to sit 다음 to them at lunch, but at lunch say 당신 were just kidding.
9 = Have a sleepover with them and do nothing.
10 = Ask them if KFC serves 피자 every Friday.
11 = Poke them in the back if they won't move.
12 = Say "I like your hair" in a creepy way.
13 = Ask them if they have ever been drunk.
14 = Ask if they are on Myspace. If they are, then say they have no life.
2 = If 당신 have long hair, flip it in someones face.
3 = Keep on shifting your chair.
4 = Keep on whispering Hi.
5 = Tell them after class "They know now". Trust me it scares them.
6 = Ask them where they live..
7 = Ask them if they watch America's 다음 상단, 맨 위로 Model every day.
8 = Ask them every 일 to sit 다음 to them at lunch, but at lunch say 당신 were just kidding.
9 = Have a sleepover with them and do nothing.
10 = Ask them if KFC serves 피자 every Friday.
11 = Poke them in the back if they won't move.
12 = Say "I like your hair" in a creepy way.
13 = Ask them if they have ever been drunk.
14 = Ask if they are on Myspace. If they are, then say they have no life.
Are there even true friendship until now?
의해 Secret Irken Invader Eve
Friendship. It is a word that is ALMOST a myth.
Friendship starts with a friend.
A friend gives 당신 happiness and loyalty.
A friend is meant to make a promise.
A promise which is that he 또는 she will never turn his 또는 her back on you...... 또는 betray you.
But that friend suddenly breaks that promise.
Turns its back on 당신 and stick its self to greed.
당신 cannot trust so much in this type of timeline.
당신 can never again.
He/she will leave 당신 disappointed and let 당신 down.
Why should 당신 look for someone else like He is not enough.
He who created you,
Loved you,
Cared for you.
Why look for somebody else
When 당신 have God with his 사랑 all wrapped around you.
의해 Secret Irken Invader Eve
Friendship. It is a word that is ALMOST a myth.
Friendship starts with a friend.
A friend gives 당신 happiness and loyalty.
A friend is meant to make a promise.
A promise which is that he 또는 she will never turn his 또는 her back on you...... 또는 betray you.
But that friend suddenly breaks that promise.
Turns its back on 당신 and stick its self to greed.
당신 cannot trust so much in this type of timeline.
당신 can never again.
He/she will leave 당신 disappointed and let 당신 down.
Why should 당신 look for someone else like He is not enough.
He who created you,
Loved you,
Cared for you.
Why look for somebody else
When 당신 have God with his 사랑 all wrapped around you.
당신 just shut the door i fell like 더 많이 when 당신 say i'm shy i cry saying why? why? do 당신 make sure to 사랑 me even though i'm shy do 당신 ever ever ever think to try? do 당신 think of me? when 당신 say shy shy shy i say why and i'll sit and think about waiting when 당신 say hi well than 당신 won't be mine! yes this is 사랑 but does it hurt? when i cry? when 당신 say shy and i know it's true but i'm alright i and i 사랑 you! why would say means things why would 당신 say the stuff that stings why would 당신 say that word when i know 당신 much? i don't think i would be with 당신 if i knew a thing 또는 two about your life 당신 backstabbing 칼, 나이프 i trusted 당신 and yet 당신 still flew without me
She's beautiful...
Her brown eyes sparkle.
Her nails are perfect.
Her golden brown hair shines like polished wood.
She is an average height for twenty-one.
She's playful, friendly.
She never gets mad.
She loves food.
She hugs 당신 a lot.
Don't 당신 사랑 her?
I do...
I 사랑 my dog.
:D:D:D:D:D:D
Her brown eyes sparkle.
Her nails are perfect.
Her golden brown hair shines like polished wood.
She is an average height for twenty-one.
She's playful, friendly.
She never gets mad.
She loves food.
She hugs 당신 a lot.
Don't 당신 사랑 her?
I do...
I 사랑 my dog.
:D:D:D:D:D:D
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!",a teen named Tessa screamed as she was falling down a hole.
Everyone gasped.
"NO!!!",her friend Dana yelled
"Tessa!",another friend,Martha shouted."No!No!No!No!No!No!!You still owe me 50 bucks,man!"
"That darn lady,she 스톨, 훔친 our money,man!",a cowboy said."What a shame"
"No..", a girl named Erica whispered.
"Oh my god!",cowboy said
Everyone sobbed."All that money!", a lady named Lisa wailed."No!!!!!!!"
"The money is gone,man!",Lisa's sister Sara whined.
The cowboy sighed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!",Martha screamed."MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!"
Everyone gasped.
"NO!!!",her friend Dana yelled
"Tessa!",another friend,Martha shouted."No!No!No!No!No!No!!You still owe me 50 bucks,man!"
"That darn lady,she 스톨, 훔친 our money,man!",a cowboy said."What a shame"
"No..", a girl named Erica whispered.
"Oh my god!",cowboy said
Everyone sobbed."All that money!", a lady named Lisa wailed."No!!!!!!!"
"The money is gone,man!",Lisa's sister Sara whined.
The cowboy sighed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!",Martha screamed."MY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!"
One fine 일 in the middle of the night two dead me got u to fight back to back they faced
eachother drew there swords and shot eachother
the deff policeman heard the noise and came to arrest thoughs two young boys if u dont believe me u know its true ask the blind man he saw to.
(i like that thing 또는 whatever u call it lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im only puting this part because the 기사 is not long enough and blahblahblah and all that stuff and stuff and oh my god how long does it need to be)
eachother drew there swords and shot eachother
the deff policeman heard the noise and came to arrest thoughs two young boys if u dont believe me u know its true ask the blind man he saw to.
(i like that thing 또는 whatever u call it lalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im only puting this part because the 기사 is not long enough and blahblahblah and all that stuff and stuff and oh my god how long does it need to be)
1. they will sing his songs
2.they will blush when they here somone say his name 또는 talk about one of his new songs
3.they will have atleast one picture of him
4.gets upset if they cant go to one of his concerts
5. wont be afraid to say hes cool
6.listens to his 음악 every night to go to sleep with
7.will ask 당신 if 당신 have heard his new song
8.screams if someone else says i 사랑 justin beiber
9.is always talking about a video they watched of him on youtube
10.will say they hate 또는 사랑 whatever he does even if they hate it 또는 사랑 it
2.they will blush when they here somone say his name 또는 talk about one of his new songs
3.they will have atleast one picture of him
4.gets upset if they cant go to one of his concerts
5. wont be afraid to say hes cool
6.listens to his 음악 every night to go to sleep with
7.will ask 당신 if 당신 have heard his new song
8.screams if someone else says i 사랑 justin beiber
9.is always talking about a video they watched of him on youtube
10.will say they hate 또는 사랑 whatever he does even if they hate it 또는 사랑 it
James
