-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when 당신 speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! 당신 aren’t supposed to reply when I tell 당신 about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: 당신 were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t 당신 use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is 더 많이 dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let 당신 see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: 당신 won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from 당신 a 년 ago! If 당신 are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: 당신 can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to show you.
Bella: Why won’t 당신 sleep with me?! Do 당신 hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The 다음 day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! 당신 just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did 당신 do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car 의해 tomorrow, though, 또는 else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If 당신 don’t want me to stalk 당신 tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer 또는 not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The 다음 일 at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But 당신 don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: 당신 want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The author of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic 또는 witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: 당신 sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while 당신 go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: 당신 have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if 당신 wanna get laid I don’t want to see 당신 as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help 당신 get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told 당신 were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who said that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if 당신 ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn 당신 and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going 집 now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him 의해 being with 당신 so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: 저기요 Eddie!
Edward: Did 당신 give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: 당신 got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. 당신 can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The 다음 day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! 당신 keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over 당신 for the 다음 couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR 이모 AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN 당신 NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One 시간 later-
Rosalie: 저기요 Bella! Just came in here to tell 당신 why I would rather choke 고양이 and then eat their flesh before making 당신 officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if 당신 pitied me 당신 would feel bad and do things my way. Do 당신 sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: 의해 asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. 뱀파이어 can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill 당신 before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The 다음 night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from 크리스마스 Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The 다음 day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. 또는 the Easter Bunny.
Bella: 또는 the Volturi. 또는 an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want 당신 to choose me. I 사랑 you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, 당신 do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make 당신 사랑 me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape 당신 yet, god. 당신 have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t 당신 be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take 당신 집 now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz 또는 someone else who could give 당신 all the answers?
Alice: No. 당신 look 더 많이 like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess 당신 should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on 이모 boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save 당신 from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to 늑대 boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: 저기요 Bella! I got 당신 a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! 당신 -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a 늑대 on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that 당신 –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do 당신 have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something 당신 have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! 당신 are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn 뱀파이어 coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn 뱀파이어 coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: 당신 don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what 당신 think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of 칼, 나이프 fights before, I have the most experience fighting than 당신 lame 나귀, 엉덩이 pacifists. So, I’ll teach 당신 guys how to 칼, 나이프 our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! 당신 JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. Show us how to go all second-hand 이모 on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: 저기요 Bella? Will 당신 marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do 당신 do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts 의해 the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out 의해 banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five 분 later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: 또는 at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: 당신 can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in 사랑 with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my 심장 flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, 당신 know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can 당신 give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: 저기요 Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! 당신 have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! 당신 make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those 이전 .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: 당신 need to 키스 me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have 당신 seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did 당신 see those muscles? Wait, are 당신 gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He said the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 분 later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would 당신 know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I said never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for 당신 to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. 당신 know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes 당신 are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? 당신 agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because 당신 are in 사랑 with another man while 당신 are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know 당신 are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in 사랑 with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do 당신 hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because 당신 are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and 의해 the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five 분 later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did 당신 pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan 또는 something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do 당신 understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: 저기요 Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force 당신 into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think 당신 want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when 당신 speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! 당신 aren’t supposed to reply when I tell 당신 about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: 당신 were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t 당신 use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is 더 많이 dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let 당신 see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: 당신 won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from 당신 a 년 ago! If 당신 are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: 당신 can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to show you.
Bella: Why won’t 당신 sleep with me?! Do 당신 hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The 다음 day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! 당신 just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did 당신 do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car 의해 tomorrow, though, 또는 else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If 당신 don’t want me to stalk 당신 tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer 또는 not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The 다음 일 at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But 당신 don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: 당신 want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The author of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic 또는 witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: 당신 sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while 당신 go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: 당신 have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if 당신 wanna get laid I don’t want to see 당신 as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help 당신 get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told 당신 were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who said that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if 당신 ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn 당신 and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going 집 now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him 의해 being with 당신 so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: 저기요 Eddie!
Edward: Did 당신 give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: 당신 got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. 당신 can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The 다음 day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! 당신 keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over 당신 for the 다음 couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR 이모 AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN 당신 NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One 시간 later-
Rosalie: 저기요 Bella! Just came in here to tell 당신 why I would rather choke 고양이 and then eat their flesh before making 당신 officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if 당신 pitied me 당신 would feel bad and do things my way. Do 당신 sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: 의해 asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. 뱀파이어 can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill 당신 before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The 다음 night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from 크리스마스 Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The 다음 day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. 또는 the Easter Bunny.
Bella: 또는 the Volturi. 또는 an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want 당신 to choose me. I 사랑 you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, 당신 do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make 당신 사랑 me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape 당신 yet, god. 당신 have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t 당신 be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take 당신 집 now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz 또는 someone else who could give 당신 all the answers?
Alice: No. 당신 look 더 많이 like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess 당신 should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on 이모 boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save 당신 from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to 늑대 boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: 저기요 Bella! I got 당신 a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! 당신 -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a 늑대 on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that 당신 –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do 당신 have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something 당신 have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! 당신 are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn 뱀파이어 coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn 뱀파이어 coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: 당신 don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what 당신 think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of 칼, 나이프 fights before, I have the most experience fighting than 당신 lame 나귀, 엉덩이 pacifists. So, I’ll teach 당신 guys how to 칼, 나이프 our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! 당신 JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. Show us how to go all second-hand 이모 on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: 저기요 Bella? Will 당신 marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do 당신 do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts 의해 the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out 의해 banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five 분 later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: 또는 at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: 당신 can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in 사랑 with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my 심장 flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, 당신 know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can 당신 give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: 저기요 Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! 당신 have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! 당신 make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those 이전 .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: 당신 need to 키스 me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have 당신 seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did 당신 see those muscles? Wait, are 당신 gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He said the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 분 later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would 당신 know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I said never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for 당신 to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. 당신 know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes 당신 are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? 당신 agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because 당신 are in 사랑 with another man while 당신 are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know 당신 are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in 사랑 with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do 당신 hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because 당신 are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and 의해 the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five 분 later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did 당신 pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan 또는 something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do 당신 understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: 저기요 Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force 당신 into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think 당신 want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
