April 25, 2013
My hands are trembling; they are sodden with the traces of the lives I could not save.
I will never ask for your help. I will never want your help. I am alone. I don’t need anyone. Why would I start with you?
I will never show my weakness; I can never express my pain.
Suffocate me all 당신 need. I won’t breath, but it’s okay.
May 11th, 2013
Patron Saint, are we all 로스트 like you?
I am the Parton Saint of 로스트 Causes.
Maybe I’m the champion of being alone.
July 2nd, 2013
When are 당신 going to start making me feel like I actually make a difference to you?
November 25th, 2013
The people whose hearts we have loved will live and thrive without us, and the things we have done and felt, in the end, have been for naught.
December 6th, 2013
I knew this 일 would come. I knew that you, too, would leave me. I knew it would come to this. I knew I would screw up again. I always do. But why, why, why couldn’t I stop it?
Lord knows I tried.
All I ever did was try to help, but it looks like I did the exact opposite. I pushed you. I pushed 당신 too far. I know I did. I always do. I’m sorry for causing 당신 pain. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to. I’m awful, and I know I’m awful. I don’t mean to be.
Lord knows I try to be anything but awful.
I’ve always tried to be anything but awful. But it looks like I’m nothing 더 많이 than awful.
And here I am, left to wander the world alone, again.
당신 didn’t dig the grave. 당신 didn’t build the casket. 당신 aren’t the reason why it is dead. But 당신 were the final nail in the coffin. Even a fool could see that 당신 were the last, broken nail. And now there is no escape. All that’s left is to bury me under the dirt, and I think we all know who it is that holds the shovel.
This is the loneliness I must bear; this is the solitude I must endure.
I’m not 로스트 again, because I was never found to begin with. I’m forever destined to walk this dirty cycle, and darkness is the brightest thing that I will ever know.
I’m sorry.
[16 images]
I am encased in wrappings 또는 barbed wire and thorns. I don’t know how to remove them.
The people around me only wind up getting hurt because of me. I don’t know how to stop it.
December 16th, 2016
[6 images]
December 30th, 2013
And somehow I always wind up feeling terrible 의해 the end of the day.
January 3rd, 2014
And I always wind up feeling like I don’t belong.
January 12th, 2014
I’m starting to get the feeling
that I don’t belong anywhere.
When will I ever feel worthwhile?
When will I ever have a place?
Why must I always feel alone?
Even with all these people
Even with all these places
Even with all these worlds
Why
Oh why
Do
I
Feel
So
Alone?
Maybe I deserve this somehow.
[4 images]
January 25th, 2014
So, you’re leaving, too?
There was no other outcome to expect, was there?
They always leave.
They always leave.
I had started to trust you, even 사랑 you. But it’s over now, isn’t it?
I’m not surprised. I’ve always expected it. I’ve always known.
It isn’t fair, 당신 know.
But if this is the way it is, then it is the way it is.
This is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper
When thou shalt be disposed to set me light
And place my merit in the eye of scorn,
Upon thy side against myself I’ll fight,
And prove thee virtuous, though thou art forsworn.
With mine own weakness being best acquainted,
Upon thy part I can set down a story
Of faults concealed, wherein I am attainted,
That thou in losing me shalt win much glory.
And I 의해 this will be a gainer too,
For bending all my loving thoughts on thee,
The injuries that to myself I do,
Doing thee vantage, double vantage me.
Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will 곰 all wrong.
Say that thou didst forsake me for some fault,
And I will 코멘트 upon that offense.
Speak of my lameness, and I straight will halt,
Against thy reasons making no defense.
Thou canst not, love, disgrace me half so ill,
To set a form upon desired change,
As I’ll myself disgrace, knowing thy will;
I will acquaintance strangle and look strange,
Be absent from thy walks, and in my tongue
Thy sweet belovèd name no 더 많이 shall dwell,
Lest I, too much profane, should do it wrong
And haply of our old acquaintance tell.
For thee against myself I’ll vow debate,
For I must ne'er 사랑 him whom thou dost hate.
Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross;
가입하기 with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in for an after-loss:
Ah, do not, when my 심장 hath ’scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of a conquered woe.
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite
But in the onset come; so shall I taste
At first the very worst of fortune’s might;
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee will not seem so.
I think… maybe I’ll be okay.
The loss of 당신 is not the loss of the world. 당신 are human, and I am human.
Maybe, I never really relied on 당신 in the first place. After all, I did create this secret blog as a release of the stress created 의해 you.
Maybe things are better this way. Maybe I don’t need 당신 after all.
Things are going to be okay.
Some things aren’t meant to last, and the things that aren’t meant to last never do.
I realise that this, and things like this, aren’t worth the fretting. It won’t change anything to sit and fret, to sit and cry. It will only make it worse, and after scrolling through this blog and seeing the pain that this has brought me, maybe it isn’t worth making it better.
January 26th, 2014
Four years to the day. Four long years. It’s been four long, long years since I made the choice that, although I did not know it then, would change my life.
It has been a choice that has affected me in every way since then, a 일 that I rely on, even now. My 심장 has remained on this 일 while the rest of the world has marched on around me.
Why doesn’t that make me sad, I wonder? Why is it that I so willingly continue to believe, even with all of the world against my favour?
Maybe the world isn’t against me on this, There is hope, I know that there is hope.
I have no regrets.
February 17th, 2014
How dare I think that I could trust you.
April 1st, 2014
I guess I can’t save anyone.
May 4th, 2014
I can’t. I just can’t.
I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, everyone… I can’t. I can’t.
I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of all of this. All of it. All of it is a lie.
It’s all a lie. None of this is real. Peel away the surface, peel away all the surfaces, and what do 당신 see? Do 당신 see anything?
Why do things have to be this way? Why must the world be so superficial, so devoid of meaning, so cold? Why does everything lack meaning - and why must we take part? Why were we forced in to this? Why don’t we have a choice? Why can’t we escape in to something that’s not only exists, but is real? So real that our hearts are never empty, so real that we never have to 질문 meaning, because we all know that it is there.
Why do so many people wander through the streets, repeating the same actions as they did yesterday? Why are so many people empty, hopeless, distraught? Why are so many people lost?
Is this what we have created? Is this what human society is about? Is this why we’re here?
Why? What was it for? In the beginning, what was it for? What is it for? Present day, what is it for?
Is it for anything?
Am I the only one who sees how empty, how superficial all of this is?
Please, someone tell me that I’m not the only one who sees.
Please, someone else…
Please, world, please realise how empty of an existence we’ve made for ourselves. Please, world, please work together to fix it.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
I’m really starting to hate everything.
I don’t want to be here.
Please, let me disappear.
Please, please, free my mind from this body and just let me go I don’t want to be here oh god I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here please please please don’t keep me here this world isn’t for me no world is for me please just let me disappear please please please
Why am I stuck here why am I stuck anywhere why why why why why why do I have to do this what if I don;t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exisst what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist
May 20th, 2014
And off popped another one.
Maybe there is nothing to this world after all.
Why should I care?
Why should I care if 당신 die?
Why should I care if 당신 die, when I, too, will die?
When all humans, too, will die?
When even the sun, tired and out of fuel, will also die?
When the universe - the vast, wide universe - will also die?
What are 당신 but a blur in the image of life and death? What are any of us but a blur in the image of life and death?
In the beginning, there was nothing. In the end, there will be nothing.
There is nothing. There never was, never will be, anything. Emptiness, that’s all there is. Empty lives, chasing after empty dreams that will get no one anywhere, because in the end all things die.
Why should I care if 당신 die, if in the end, it will make no difference?
May 27th, 2014
I really just want to kill you. All of you.
Every single damn one of you.
Although it doesn’t matter. 당신 don’t matter. You’re insignificant, just a speck of dust.
What delicate pieces. How easy 당신 break under the pressure of another.
How absolutely revolting.
June 2nd, 2014
And this is what I was afraid of.
But I’m not going to take it. Not any more.
message I am here to suffer alone and on my own
«
»
My world, where I stand alone.
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None of this matters, really.
None of this matters.
You’re insignificant. Just a speck of dust.
1 년 이전 on June 28th, 2014 |J
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And off they all pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop.
1 년 이전 on June 28th, 2014 |J
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I’m not really very good for anything.
1 년 이전 on June 5th, 2014 |J
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And so that was that, I suppose. Denied again?
1 년 이전 on June 4th, 2014 |J
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I’m tired of this.
1 년 이전 on June 2nd, 2014 |J
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I don’t care any more.
I’m tired of this.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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If only I knew how to fix it… if only I knew… If only I could. If only the world would let us.
But that seems so impossible now. There’s nothing I can do… is there…
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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I would do anything in the world to ease your loneliness- anything- but now, I worry that I would only make it worse for 당신 in the long run.
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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I’m so sorry.
I never knew that one person could feel so alone.
And I never knew that 당신 would be one of those people.
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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Sometimes I just feel so… old.
1 년 이전 on July 16th, 2014 |J
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I wish I had a choice. I wish I had been able to choose whether 또는 not I wanted to be a part of this. I wish we all had that choice in the beginning. But we don’t.
1 년 이전 on July 16th, 2014 |J
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I guess I was only a fool.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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It’s been so hard. All of it. No one should have to go through this. No one should have to go through this.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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I just can’t. I’m sorry.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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Everything would change, 당신 know.
Everything would change if I just had you.
I don’t want part in this.
I absolutely don’t want part on this.
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it.
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. Please, no.
But I have to. I have to because I 사랑 you. I 사랑 당신 and I don’t want to tear a dream away from you.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
1 년 이전 on January 29th, 2015 |J
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So this is it.
Finally my 심장 has 제출됨 to love, and finally I can put broken relationships behind me.
Thank you. Thank 당신 so much. I don’t need to be so sad- I don’t need to be so broken. You’ve possibly saved me- as 당신 have several times before. I 사랑 you. I 사랑 당신 so much.
1 년 이전 on December 2nd, 2014 |J
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How terrible of a friendship must it have been for me to feel so glad that it might finally be over?
1 년 이전 on August 21st, 2014 |J
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I think I’m done with you.
I’m done with you, and I feel so glad.
1 년 이전 on August 21st, 2014 |J
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I’m tired of empty people.
1 년 이전 on August 6th, 2014 |J
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Make it stop, make it stop.
Please make it stop.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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I just want it to stop.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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There’s nothing to do about it. There’s nothing that I nor anyone else can do.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what anyone wanted.
Why…
Nobody asked for this.
Nobody asked for this.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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I’m sorry that I have to die.
It’s almost as if I don’t exist.
I have no reason to exist. I just sit here and rot. I don’t do anything worth while, and when I try to, I can’t even focus on it for five 분 before I can’t focus any more. I don’t want to be here. No one asked me if I wanted to be here. And I don’t want to, most of the time. But the only other option is death, and believe me I’ve contemplated and contemplated that option,
11 months 이전 on February 23rd, 2015 |J
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I should have known better.
I should have known 당신 wouldn’t help. I should have known what 당신 would say, I should have known 당신 would try to make light of a situation that I’ve been struggling with and reducing it to nothing in order to deal with it.
I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling for a while now.
I’m not going to ask for help anymore. Not when this is what I am to expect.
I should have known better.
I really should have.
11 months 이전 on February 9th, 2015 |J
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There is an epidemic befalling my world and my generation- laziness and incompetence. Mediocrity is before us and it rests upon the shoulders of the masses. I see no direction, no drive, no passion; no meaning, no greater cause- nothing. People cry and cry, proclaiming to live unfortunate lives and create insignificant shadows. They do not think and they do not strive- they are moved 앞으로 의해 ludicrous laughter and minds of molasses. Stagnant, undisciplined, wanting everything yet working for nothing.
I am not immune.
Master of the Mediocre and the laziest of all. I can only pray for direction, deny my drive, and fake passion; I mean nothing, I have no greater cause. I’m falsely broken, I am an insignificant shadow of something greater. I could be greater.
I could be great.
I could be a master, have my name spoken as strongly as Shakespeare, Milton, Hemingway- memories of me could be engraved so far into time that I outlive myself and outlive all that I’ve fought and loved. I could- I know I could. I could outlast time. I could beat it thin and raw. Why so I insist on holding myself back?
I could beat the disease of my fellow man, I could let go the lazy and refuse the mediocre. I can, I can! I can be great, I can live forever.
I will be great, I will live forever.
I am great, I am eternal.
I will save the world, save myself, save anyone.
I will make my mark, take my stand, and fix this place,
I will do everything I can.
I will write.
11 months 이전 on February 6th, 2015 |J
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God damn it.
God damn it, it’s all pointless.
I hate this.
I hate existing.
God, god, god, god!
I’m awful. Terrible. This is my fault.
It’s my fault that I can’t. That I can’t. That I can’t, can’t, can’t.
I’m awful and terrible and I don’t even deserve to be here. I don’t fit in, no one understands. God damn it, someone, listen. Someone, help. Someone save me from this rotten girl that I’ve carved myself to be, someone save me from this rotten rotten rotten sense of lonliness from this rotten sense of hated from this rotten rotten cycle of low productivity and all that it is that’s set me back someone save me from all of this that I’ve put myself through and somebody save me before I do something awful no no no no please please please please.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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God, I feel so alone.
I didn’t ask for this.
Nobody did.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I do not exist.
Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? Where have I been?
I’m empty, motionless. Kept alive only 의해 the meager beatings of my heart, looking for anything yet striving for nothing.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I have no name.
I was born 의해 the name Hannah. My sister calls me Broder, my boyfriend calls me Nomy. My best friend calls me Hannar, my aunt calls me Toodles. I write under Miranda and post under whatever 슈츠 me.
Once I was Ivan, and Keira, and Jason and Jordan and Emily and Don. Once I was Cecelia Merlumina Wishine. Once, maybe, I was even me. Once, maybe. Once. Maybe.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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And here I am.
Here I am, good at anything at which I am willing to try. So bright and thoughtful, so desperate to succeed, so desperate to save the world, so desperate to save the world. Save anyone.
Here I am, talented and intelligent. A perfectionist, determined to be better than what I am, so determined to be better than what anyone has ever been, so determined to achieve what can only be seen in dreams.
Here I am, impossible.
Here I am.
Here I am, lazy, careless. Unable to focus on what I know I should, unable to focus on what I know I want to, unable to save, unable to achieve, unable to live. Unable to decide, unable to breathe.
Unable to exist.
Unable.
Here I am, a master cheat and a liar. Falsely broken and falsely original, falsely talented and falsely desperate, falsely determined, falsely intelligent, falsely perfect.
Falsely existing.
False.
Here I am, an actor. On the stage of life, pretending. Pretending to exist, to want, to be. Pretending to be better, pretending to be anything- anything- but awful. A liar.
A liar.
A liar.
I’m a liar and nothing more, I’m a liar and nothing more.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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i know I shouldn’t.
i know I have no right.
i know I’m awful.
i know.
i know I shouldn’t be so sad.
i know my life isn’t so terrible.
i know that this is all my fault.
i know.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I understand now.
I understand now the reason why you’ve never left my life.
I’m important to you, and 당신 are important to me.
This is what I am, a counselor. A relay station for thoughts and feelings.
This is where I stand. This is what I am to you, and to everyone.
I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all.
Let me be your ear, your heart, your mind. If 당신 need me, I will be.
I know I won’t ever escape this. I know this darkness is my fate.
3 weeks 이전 on January 5th, 2016 |J
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It will be okay.
I will be erased
and everything I ever did will be gone.
But that’s okay
Because I’m going to be happy
No matter what.
Even if I’m depressed and struggle,
I’ve decided to be happy.
And that’s all that matters.
Because I’m alive now,
and being alive now matters.
1 월 이전 on December 31st, 2015 |J
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i dont even know what to call this anymore
1 월 이전 on December 10th, 2015 |J
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And as I admitted that I 사랑 him, that I always did, I realised that in him was a best friend and life companion- that we are never truly complete alone; that there is so much 더 많이 than despair and solitude. It was in that moment that my life folded out in front of me like a roadmap to heaven, and I suddenly found that I was alive after all.
2 months 이전 on November 14th, 2015 |J
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I’m just really tied of this.
2 months 이전 on November 9th, 2015 |J
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I want to cry, but I’m so over it that I don’t think I know how anymore.
I wish 당신 understood.
I really wish 당신 could crawl in here and see how all of this works-
that I haven’t convinced myself of anything as far as I know,
and that I really can’t escape it.
Or, at least, I don’t know how.
For someone that is supposed to try to understand me, 당신 certainly have your way of finding a way around what’s really going on up here…
…
It kind of hurts.
It really does.
BUt I should have known better than to think I could have talked to 당신 about it.
I’ve never been able to.
And I never will be.
I’m just going to shut up about it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Not to you.
Because you’ll never want to listen to it.
You’ve proven to me as much.
2 months 이전 on November 4th, 2015 |J
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It isn’t as if I believe these things.
I know that I am fortunate, and I know that I am loved. Needed, even, to some extent.
I know my life is good and comfortable, I know that I am talented, and I know that I am happy.
For I am not unhappy, 또는 ungrateful, and I don’t want to be rid of my life. I don’t consider myself unlucky, and I don’t believe that this is anyone’s fault but my own.
I know that.
But I can’t see that.
3 months 이전 on October 26th, 2015 |J
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How do I fix the crack in my broken window?
How will I ever be able to see things the way they are when my window is cracked?
7 months 이전 on June 27th, 2015 |J
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The fate of all of us
The fate I know I cannot stop
The fate I fear I will bring sooner to myself
Than others do
10 months 이전 on April 3rd, 2015 |J
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I thought we were somewhere and it turns out that we are not.
I thought… I really thought…
I don’t understand. I don’t understand this turn of events. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I thought… I thought this was okay.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand.
My hands are trembling; they are sodden with the traces of the lives I could not save.
I will never ask for your help. I will never want your help. I am alone. I don’t need anyone. Why would I start with you?
I will never show my weakness; I can never express my pain.
Suffocate me all 당신 need. I won’t breath, but it’s okay.
May 11th, 2013
Patron Saint, are we all 로스트 like you?
I am the Parton Saint of 로스트 Causes.
Maybe I’m the champion of being alone.
July 2nd, 2013
When are 당신 going to start making me feel like I actually make a difference to you?
November 25th, 2013
The people whose hearts we have loved will live and thrive without us, and the things we have done and felt, in the end, have been for naught.
December 6th, 2013
I knew this 일 would come. I knew that you, too, would leave me. I knew it would come to this. I knew I would screw up again. I always do. But why, why, why couldn’t I stop it?
Lord knows I tried.
All I ever did was try to help, but it looks like I did the exact opposite. I pushed you. I pushed 당신 too far. I know I did. I always do. I’m sorry for causing 당신 pain. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to. I’m awful, and I know I’m awful. I don’t mean to be.
Lord knows I try to be anything but awful.
I’ve always tried to be anything but awful. But it looks like I’m nothing 더 많이 than awful.
And here I am, left to wander the world alone, again.
당신 didn’t dig the grave. 당신 didn’t build the casket. 당신 aren’t the reason why it is dead. But 당신 were the final nail in the coffin. Even a fool could see that 당신 were the last, broken nail. And now there is no escape. All that’s left is to bury me under the dirt, and I think we all know who it is that holds the shovel.
This is the loneliness I must bear; this is the solitude I must endure.
I’m not 로스트 again, because I was never found to begin with. I’m forever destined to walk this dirty cycle, and darkness is the brightest thing that I will ever know.
I’m sorry.
[16 images]
I am encased in wrappings 또는 barbed wire and thorns. I don’t know how to remove them.
The people around me only wind up getting hurt because of me. I don’t know how to stop it.
December 16th, 2016
[6 images]
December 30th, 2013
And somehow I always wind up feeling terrible 의해 the end of the day.
January 3rd, 2014
And I always wind up feeling like I don’t belong.
January 12th, 2014
I’m starting to get the feeling
that I don’t belong anywhere.
When will I ever feel worthwhile?
When will I ever have a place?
Why must I always feel alone?
Even with all these people
Even with all these places
Even with all these worlds
Why
Oh why
Do
I
Feel
So
Alone?
Maybe I deserve this somehow.
[4 images]
January 25th, 2014
So, you’re leaving, too?
There was no other outcome to expect, was there?
They always leave.
They always leave.
I had started to trust you, even 사랑 you. But it’s over now, isn’t it?
I’m not surprised. I’ve always expected it. I’ve always known.
It isn’t fair, 당신 know.
But if this is the way it is, then it is the way it is.
This is the way the world ends.
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper
When thou shalt be disposed to set me light
And place my merit in the eye of scorn,
Upon thy side against myself I’ll fight,
And prove thee virtuous, though thou art forsworn.
With mine own weakness being best acquainted,
Upon thy part I can set down a story
Of faults concealed, wherein I am attainted,
That thou in losing me shalt win much glory.
And I 의해 this will be a gainer too,
For bending all my loving thoughts on thee,
The injuries that to myself I do,
Doing thee vantage, double vantage me.
Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will 곰 all wrong.
Say that thou didst forsake me for some fault,
And I will 코멘트 upon that offense.
Speak of my lameness, and I straight will halt,
Against thy reasons making no defense.
Thou canst not, love, disgrace me half so ill,
To set a form upon desired change,
As I’ll myself disgrace, knowing thy will;
I will acquaintance strangle and look strange,
Be absent from thy walks, and in my tongue
Thy sweet belovèd name no 더 많이 shall dwell,
Lest I, too much profane, should do it wrong
And haply of our old acquaintance tell.
For thee against myself I’ll vow debate,
For I must ne'er 사랑 him whom thou dost hate.
Then hate me when thou wilt, if ever, now,
Now while the world is bent my deeds to cross;
가입하기 with the spite of fortune, make me bow,
And do not drop in for an after-loss:
Ah, do not, when my 심장 hath ’scaped this sorrow,
Come in the rearward of a conquered woe.
Give not a windy night a rainy morrow,
To linger out a purposed overthrow.
If thou wilt leave me, do not leave me last,
When other petty griefs have done their spite
But in the onset come; so shall I taste
At first the very worst of fortune’s might;
And other strains of woe, which now seem woe,
Compared with loss of thee will not seem so.
I think… maybe I’ll be okay.
The loss of 당신 is not the loss of the world. 당신 are human, and I am human.
Maybe, I never really relied on 당신 in the first place. After all, I did create this secret blog as a release of the stress created 의해 you.
Maybe things are better this way. Maybe I don’t need 당신 after all.
Things are going to be okay.
Some things aren’t meant to last, and the things that aren’t meant to last never do.
I realise that this, and things like this, aren’t worth the fretting. It won’t change anything to sit and fret, to sit and cry. It will only make it worse, and after scrolling through this blog and seeing the pain that this has brought me, maybe it isn’t worth making it better.
January 26th, 2014
Four years to the day. Four long years. It’s been four long, long years since I made the choice that, although I did not know it then, would change my life.
It has been a choice that has affected me in every way since then, a 일 that I rely on, even now. My 심장 has remained on this 일 while the rest of the world has marched on around me.
Why doesn’t that make me sad, I wonder? Why is it that I so willingly continue to believe, even with all of the world against my favour?
Maybe the world isn’t against me on this, There is hope, I know that there is hope.
I have no regrets.
February 17th, 2014
How dare I think that I could trust you.
April 1st, 2014
I guess I can’t save anyone.
May 4th, 2014
I can’t. I just can’t.
I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, everyone… I can’t. I can’t.
I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired of all of this. All of it. All of it is a lie.
It’s all a lie. None of this is real. Peel away the surface, peel away all the surfaces, and what do 당신 see? Do 당신 see anything?
Why do things have to be this way? Why must the world be so superficial, so devoid of meaning, so cold? Why does everything lack meaning - and why must we take part? Why were we forced in to this? Why don’t we have a choice? Why can’t we escape in to something that’s not only exists, but is real? So real that our hearts are never empty, so real that we never have to 질문 meaning, because we all know that it is there.
Why do so many people wander through the streets, repeating the same actions as they did yesterday? Why are so many people empty, hopeless, distraught? Why are so many people lost?
Is this what we have created? Is this what human society is about? Is this why we’re here?
Why? What was it for? In the beginning, what was it for? What is it for? Present day, what is it for?
Is it for anything?
Am I the only one who sees how empty, how superficial all of this is?
Please, someone tell me that I’m not the only one who sees.
Please, someone else…
Please, world, please realise how empty of an existence we’ve made for ourselves. Please, world, please work together to fix it.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
I’m really starting to hate everything.
I don’t want to be here.
Please, let me disappear.
Please, please, free my mind from this body and just let me go I don’t want to be here oh god I don’t want to be here I don’t want to be here please please please don’t keep me here this world isn’t for me no world is for me please just let me disappear please please please
Why am I stuck here why am I stuck anywhere why why why why why why do I have to do this what if I don;t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exisst what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist what if I don’t want to exist
May 20th, 2014
And off popped another one.
Maybe there is nothing to this world after all.
Why should I care?
Why should I care if 당신 die?
Why should I care if 당신 die, when I, too, will die?
When all humans, too, will die?
When even the sun, tired and out of fuel, will also die?
When the universe - the vast, wide universe - will also die?
What are 당신 but a blur in the image of life and death? What are any of us but a blur in the image of life and death?
In the beginning, there was nothing. In the end, there will be nothing.
There is nothing. There never was, never will be, anything. Emptiness, that’s all there is. Empty lives, chasing after empty dreams that will get no one anywhere, because in the end all things die.
Why should I care if 당신 die, if in the end, it will make no difference?
May 27th, 2014
I really just want to kill you. All of you.
Every single damn one of you.
Although it doesn’t matter. 당신 don’t matter. You’re insignificant, just a speck of dust.
What delicate pieces. How easy 당신 break under the pressure of another.
How absolutely revolting.
June 2nd, 2014
And this is what I was afraid of.
But I’m not going to take it. Not any more.
message I am here to suffer alone and on my own
«
»
My world, where I stand alone.
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None of this matters, really.
None of this matters.
You’re insignificant. Just a speck of dust.
1 년 이전 on June 28th, 2014 |J
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And off they all pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop.
1 년 이전 on June 28th, 2014 |J
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I’m not really very good for anything.
1 년 이전 on June 5th, 2014 |J
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And so that was that, I suppose. Denied again?
1 년 이전 on June 4th, 2014 |J
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I’m tired of this.
1 년 이전 on June 2nd, 2014 |J
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I don’t care any more.
I’m tired of this.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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If only I knew how to fix it… if only I knew… If only I could. If only the world would let us.
But that seems so impossible now. There’s nothing I can do… is there…
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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I would do anything in the world to ease your loneliness- anything- but now, I worry that I would only make it worse for 당신 in the long run.
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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I’m so sorry.
I never knew that one person could feel so alone.
And I never knew that 당신 would be one of those people.
1 년 이전 on July 26th, 2014 |J
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Sometimes I just feel so… old.
1 년 이전 on July 16th, 2014 |J
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I wish I had a choice. I wish I had been able to choose whether 또는 not I wanted to be a part of this. I wish we all had that choice in the beginning. But we don’t.
1 년 이전 on July 16th, 2014 |J
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I guess I was only a fool.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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It’s been so hard. All of it. No one should have to go through this. No one should have to go through this.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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I just can’t. I’m sorry.
1 년 이전 on June 30th, 2014 |J
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Everything would change, 당신 know.
Everything would change if I just had you.
I don’t want part in this.
I absolutely don’t want part on this.
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it.
I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. Please, no.
But I have to. I have to because I 사랑 you. I 사랑 당신 and I don’t want to tear a dream away from you.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.
1 년 이전 on January 29th, 2015 |J
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So this is it.
Finally my 심장 has 제출됨 to love, and finally I can put broken relationships behind me.
Thank you. Thank 당신 so much. I don’t need to be so sad- I don’t need to be so broken. You’ve possibly saved me- as 당신 have several times before. I 사랑 you. I 사랑 당신 so much.
1 년 이전 on December 2nd, 2014 |J
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How terrible of a friendship must it have been for me to feel so glad that it might finally be over?
1 년 이전 on August 21st, 2014 |J
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I think I’m done with you.
I’m done with you, and I feel so glad.
1 년 이전 on August 21st, 2014 |J
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I’m tired of empty people.
1 년 이전 on August 6th, 2014 |J
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Make it stop, make it stop.
Please make it stop.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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I just want it to stop.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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There’s nothing to do about it. There’s nothing that I nor anyone else can do.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what anyone wanted.
Why…
Nobody asked for this.
Nobody asked for this.
1 년 이전 on August 4th, 2014 |J
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I’m sorry that I have to die.
It’s almost as if I don’t exist.
I have no reason to exist. I just sit here and rot. I don’t do anything worth while, and when I try to, I can’t even focus on it for five 분 before I can’t focus any more. I don’t want to be here. No one asked me if I wanted to be here. And I don’t want to, most of the time. But the only other option is death, and believe me I’ve contemplated and contemplated that option,
11 months 이전 on February 23rd, 2015 |J
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I should have known better.
I should have known 당신 wouldn’t help. I should have known what 당신 would say, I should have known 당신 would try to make light of a situation that I’ve been struggling with and reducing it to nothing in order to deal with it.
I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling for a while now.
I’m not going to ask for help anymore. Not when this is what I am to expect.
I should have known better.
I really should have.
11 months 이전 on February 9th, 2015 |J
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There is an epidemic befalling my world and my generation- laziness and incompetence. Mediocrity is before us and it rests upon the shoulders of the masses. I see no direction, no drive, no passion; no meaning, no greater cause- nothing. People cry and cry, proclaiming to live unfortunate lives and create insignificant shadows. They do not think and they do not strive- they are moved 앞으로 의해 ludicrous laughter and minds of molasses. Stagnant, undisciplined, wanting everything yet working for nothing.
I am not immune.
Master of the Mediocre and the laziest of all. I can only pray for direction, deny my drive, and fake passion; I mean nothing, I have no greater cause. I’m falsely broken, I am an insignificant shadow of something greater. I could be greater.
I could be great.
I could be a master, have my name spoken as strongly as Shakespeare, Milton, Hemingway- memories of me could be engraved so far into time that I outlive myself and outlive all that I’ve fought and loved. I could- I know I could. I could outlast time. I could beat it thin and raw. Why so I insist on holding myself back?
I could beat the disease of my fellow man, I could let go the lazy and refuse the mediocre. I can, I can! I can be great, I can live forever.
I will be great, I will live forever.
I am great, I am eternal.
I will save the world, save myself, save anyone.
I will make my mark, take my stand, and fix this place,
I will do everything I can.
I will write.
11 months 이전 on February 6th, 2015 |J
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God damn it.
God damn it, it’s all pointless.
I hate this.
I hate existing.
God, god, god, god!
I’m awful. Terrible. This is my fault.
It’s my fault that I can’t. That I can’t. That I can’t, can’t, can’t.
I’m awful and terrible and I don’t even deserve to be here. I don’t fit in, no one understands. God damn it, someone, listen. Someone, help. Someone save me from this rotten girl that I’ve carved myself to be, someone save me from this rotten rotten rotten sense of lonliness from this rotten sense of hated from this rotten rotten cycle of low productivity and all that it is that’s set me back someone save me from all of this that I’ve put myself through and somebody save me before I do something awful no no no no please please please please.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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God, I feel so alone.
I didn’t ask for this.
Nobody did.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I do not exist.
Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? Where have I been?
I’m empty, motionless. Kept alive only 의해 the meager beatings of my heart, looking for anything yet striving for nothing.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I have no name.
I was born 의해 the name Hannah. My sister calls me Broder, my boyfriend calls me Nomy. My best friend calls me Hannar, my aunt calls me Toodles. I write under Miranda and post under whatever 슈츠 me.
Once I was Ivan, and Keira, and Jason and Jordan and Emily and Don. Once I was Cecelia Merlumina Wishine. Once, maybe, I was even me. Once, maybe. Once. Maybe.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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And here I am.
Here I am, good at anything at which I am willing to try. So bright and thoughtful, so desperate to succeed, so desperate to save the world, so desperate to save the world. Save anyone.
Here I am, talented and intelligent. A perfectionist, determined to be better than what I am, so determined to be better than what anyone has ever been, so determined to achieve what can only be seen in dreams.
Here I am, impossible.
Here I am.
Here I am, lazy, careless. Unable to focus on what I know I should, unable to focus on what I know I want to, unable to save, unable to achieve, unable to live. Unable to decide, unable to breathe.
Unable to exist.
Unable.
Here I am, a master cheat and a liar. Falsely broken and falsely original, falsely talented and falsely desperate, falsely determined, falsely intelligent, falsely perfect.
Falsely existing.
False.
Here I am, an actor. On the stage of life, pretending. Pretending to exist, to want, to be. Pretending to be better, pretending to be anything- anything- but awful. A liar.
A liar.
A liar.
I’m a liar and nothing more, I’m a liar and nothing more.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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i know I shouldn’t.
i know I have no right.
i know I’m awful.
i know.
i know I shouldn’t be so sad.
i know my life isn’t so terrible.
i know that this is all my fault.
i know.
11 months 이전 on February 5th, 2015 |J
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I understand now.
I understand now the reason why you’ve never left my life.
I’m important to you, and 당신 are important to me.
This is what I am, a counselor. A relay station for thoughts and feelings.
This is where I stand. This is what I am to you, and to everyone.
I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all.
Let me be your ear, your heart, your mind. If 당신 need me, I will be.
I know I won’t ever escape this. I know this darkness is my fate.
3 weeks 이전 on January 5th, 2016 |J
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It will be okay.
I will be erased
and everything I ever did will be gone.
But that’s okay
Because I’m going to be happy
No matter what.
Even if I’m depressed and struggle,
I’ve decided to be happy.
And that’s all that matters.
Because I’m alive now,
and being alive now matters.
1 월 이전 on December 31st, 2015 |J
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i dont even know what to call this anymore
1 월 이전 on December 10th, 2015 |J
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And as I admitted that I 사랑 him, that I always did, I realised that in him was a best friend and life companion- that we are never truly complete alone; that there is so much 더 많이 than despair and solitude. It was in that moment that my life folded out in front of me like a roadmap to heaven, and I suddenly found that I was alive after all.
2 months 이전 on November 14th, 2015 |J
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I’m just really tied of this.
2 months 이전 on November 9th, 2015 |J
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I want to cry, but I’m so over it that I don’t think I know how anymore.
I wish 당신 understood.
I really wish 당신 could crawl in here and see how all of this works-
that I haven’t convinced myself of anything as far as I know,
and that I really can’t escape it.
Or, at least, I don’t know how.
For someone that is supposed to try to understand me, 당신 certainly have your way of finding a way around what’s really going on up here…
…
It kind of hurts.
It really does.
BUt I should have known better than to think I could have talked to 당신 about it.
I’ve never been able to.
And I never will be.
I’m just going to shut up about it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Not to you.
Because you’ll never want to listen to it.
You’ve proven to me as much.
2 months 이전 on November 4th, 2015 |J
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It isn’t as if I believe these things.
I know that I am fortunate, and I know that I am loved. Needed, even, to some extent.
I know my life is good and comfortable, I know that I am talented, and I know that I am happy.
For I am not unhappy, 또는 ungrateful, and I don’t want to be rid of my life. I don’t consider myself unlucky, and I don’t believe that this is anyone’s fault but my own.
I know that.
But I can’t see that.
3 months 이전 on October 26th, 2015 |J
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How do I fix the crack in my broken window?
How will I ever be able to see things the way they are when my window is cracked?
7 months 이전 on June 27th, 2015 |J
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The fate of all of us
The fate I know I cannot stop
The fate I fear I will bring sooner to myself
Than others do
10 months 이전 on April 3rd, 2015 |J
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I thought we were somewhere and it turns out that we are not.
I thought… I really thought…
I don’t understand. I don’t understand this turn of events. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I thought… I thought this was okay.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand.