Week 1 entry, I hope 당신 all enjoy it! Also; props to the creator of this contest, it's a cool idea!
Letters to Simon
There was pretty, and then there was beautiful. There was scary, and then there was horrifying. Everything seemed to be on different levels in life. 당신 climbed on step at a time, like some kind of cosmic ladder, until 당신 got to the top.
So there was annoyed, then there was scared, then there was terrified, then there was tired, then there was tired of everything.
If Simon took another step up that ladder, he’d fall off and smash against the ground. Then again, maybe that wouldn’t be that bad.
He was thinking about it as he walked down the hallway, and didn’t notice that he bumped right into Christian Bristow, who smashed his bottle of Gatorade into his 셔츠 and had it spilled all over now. The blue stain was dripping down and growing.
“Watch it, ginger.” Christian sneered. The blood in Simon’s veins froze.
“S-sorry C…Christian.” Simon said. He tried to 족제비 away but two of Christian’s 프렌즈 stepped in the way.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, twerp. See this stain? That won’t go away. Now will it, honey?”
Simon looked to his right and saw Fey Delaney, a short girl with a fairy-like figure and brown hair, blue-grey eyes that were so captivating and soft at the same time. She wore the school varsity 재킷, 자 켓 that came with playing third base and skinny jeans. She was the prettiest girl in school according to an amateur and anonymous list stapled on lockers and bathroom stall doors.
“I don’t know Chris,” she said. Her voice was as soft as her eyes.
“Well I don’t think it will,” Christian said, cracking his knuckles. Please no, if there’s anybody out there to talk to and who’ll make a difference, please no. I’ll sacrifice a chicken- I don’t care how socially acceptable that is, just get me out of here… “Sugar, 당신 can just go sit in the bleachers in advance, watch the others warm up. We’ll catch up.”
“Chris, no,” she said. “I don’t want 당신 guys to be late for practise.”
Christian cracked his knuckles again, and looked down to the girl who’d wrapped her arms around his. Then back up at Simon. His nose crinkled just to define the fact that he was definitely a less appealing sight than Fey was.
“You’re lucky my girlfriend’s here, ginger.” He said. “You owe me a new shirt.”
Simon didn’t even protest that Christian had taken his lunch money earlier in the day, because then Fey 또는 no Fey, he’d get punched right across the mouth.
Christian stepped on Simon’s foot on his way to the other side of the hallway. Once they’d disappeared down the stairs, talking and laughing about football, Simon continued down the hallway until he got to his locker. He entered the combo but his hands shook so bad that he had to re-enter missed numbers constantly. After a few tries he managed to get it right and he swung the door open.
Some people had pictures of their 프렌즈 inside their locker doors. 상단, 맨 위로 to bottom plastered with smiling faces, strips of picture booth pictures taken with ‘who can make the silliest face’ in mind, self-portraits with their loved ones in their arms, action shots of their 개 sprinting across green grass…
Simon didn’t. He had a picture of Aidan and Nadia, who’d moved away last year, and schematics of the parts of a cell, another of the animal kingdom including flora.
He sighed and started looking through the bottom part for his biology book. Mom had sent him back to school to go get it even if he insisted he didn’t have to study. He looked through and through and heard one of the school’s big heavy doors open.
Crud- Christian’s back!
He sprang up to be straight and shut his locker and knocked his head on the above shelf that was built-in.
“Ouch!” He roared. He turned around and saw two girls who must be from the seventh-eight grade pavilion of the school. They were whispering together and obviously arguing.
“Excuse me,” one called up to Simon, “Do 당신 know where the yearbook comity is meeting today?”
The tenseness in Simon’s shoulders faded and they slowly dropped. So did his 심장 rate. He just looked at her for a few seconds, looked at her and processed that she wasn’t out to get him, and shook his head ‘no’.
The girl rolled her eyes, obviously unhappy and they just walked on.
“Some use he was, I didn’t know the school accepted deaf-mutes.” One muttered when Simon was ‘too far to hear’. But he did. Her friend giggled, and their conversation went on as Simon watched them walk down the hallway, backpacks swung across a shoulder, happily fooling around with each other, and disappearing through the same doors Christian and Fey had come in through.
Simon kicked his locker and back up until he could kick the one on the other side of the doorway. He slid down one and buried his face in his hands.
He was a squirrel- some kind of rodent. Whenever there was a chance, a thin, thin chance, of Christian’s presence he panicked and scrambled and dug his head into the ground to hide like an ostrich. He was weak and cowardly.
No, he thought. I’m scared. And I’m scared and I’m allowed to be because I’ve been scared since September and so far, nothing has proved that I shouldn’t be.
He looked up from his sprawl-fingered mask and up at his locker. The door was still swinging and the picture of Aidan and Nadia slid to the ground. He crawled across the hallway and picked it up.
Both of the Sarama twins had thick black hair and dark eyes, huge grins complimenting their faces any day. The picture had been taken in front of the new store their father had opened downtown- a Lebanese restaurant with pies, tabouleh, freshly made pita bread, baklavas and shawarmas. It was the reason the whole family had moved downtown, away from the suburb community where they’d lived; to help open and manage the family-run store. Since then, Simon had been totally alone; the twins had been his two only friends. He didn’t even see them much anymore- no movies, no amusement parks, water parks, museum tours, 랜덤 meet-ups in parks, chat, texting, nothing. He hadn’t seen them in person since he and his parents had gone downtown to try the food, and he didn’t think it was going to change anytime soon.
He sighed. He really was alone. A lone 다람쥐 at that.
He sunk his face in his knees again and breathed deeply.
He’d just taken one 더 많이 step on the big cosmos ladder. Past scared, terrified, tired, tired of everything.
He was now on the step of ‘I want out’.
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At 저녁 식사 he didn’t talk, and before 저녁 식사 he pretended to study biology while it wasn’t laws of inheritances 또는 genes, chromosomes 또는 DNA technology that hammered on the inside of his head. It was one word over and over, and it begun with the letter ‘s’.
He had 스파게티 for supper, and the ‘s’ sound when his father told Mom that the 스파게티 was delicious made the word click off in his head again. So did his mother’s response: ‘Sally the secretary is Italian, the sauce is her recipe’. Same went for ‘Pass the salad’, ‘Sorry’ when his dad dropped the parmesan cheese, 또는 Dad’s story of ‘There’s a guy in the office who puts soya sauce on his spaghetti’.
He excused himself to go study some 더 많이 after scraping most of it off his plate. Mom smiled.
“Good thing I told 당신 to go back to school and get your textbook, right?”
Simon nodded. “Yeah. Thanks Mom.”
He scurried upstairs and buried his face in his pillow.
This isn’t good, Simon, he thought to himself. You shouldn’t be thinking this stuff. It’s not like you’re that screwed.
Well if I’m not that screwed, a small part of him thought hardly, why isn’t anybody else telling me this?
Simon lied down and didn’t 옮기기 a muscle for a long time. No thoughts came into his mind; no thoughts came out of it. It was like somebody had replaced his brain with a blob of jello. He could blink, breathe and feel miserable but not figure a thing out.
The door opened and Simon twisted in his 침대 to look back at his mom.
“Hey Simon,” she said with a beautiful smile. “Are 당신 okay?”
“Okay? Yeah, I’m fine.” He said. You were just considering suicide. 당신 are not okay.
“You seemed thoughtful at supper. You’ve always been a very thoughtful boy but… Never mind. I’m sorry I teased 당신 about your biology book, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
“That’s fine Mom, it didn’t bug me,” he said.
“Do 당신 need help studying?” She offered.
“I think I’ll be fine.”
She smiled. “It’s nearly eleven, okay? Lights out soon, I’m sure you’ll ace it.”
“Kay Mom,” he said.
“And that counts flashlights under the blankets too, honey.”
Honey; that’s what Christian called Fey back in the hall.
“You got me Mom,” he said to joke around. She smiled.
“That’s because you’re exactly like your father used to be. Goodnight, I 사랑 you.”
“Ditto,” Simon said. The door eased closed. He pulled off his 셔츠 and lied down again, this time he was thinking.
Christian would beat him up if he didn’t have a 셔츠 tomorrow. He couldn’t just 물고기 something out of his closet because Christian’s rock solid abs and trunk-thick arms would just explode out of any of his XS shirts. And, as previously mentioned, he was broke.
Simon fell asleep wondering if Christian would 펀치 him in the face, 또는 once again where clothes covered up bruised skin.
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He dragged himself out of bed, through the shower, kitchen, streets, and school doors to finally stop at his locker.
He’d made a decision last night. He’d give it until tonight to pick what to do with himself. Abandon ship, 또는 tough it out.
He looked up at his locker. With duct tape, a white 셔츠 was stuck onto the door. There was a blue stain across the chest, and someone had drawn two stickmen in permanent marker. One was surrounded 의해 a pool of red-sharpie blood, one was up and about. Two arrows designated the stickman as ‘You’ and ‘Me’.
He ripped the 셔츠 off and tossed it in the hallway. It landed across a pile of notebooks a guy was carrying for both he and his girlfriend.
“Watch it, loser!” He barked. His girlfriend picked up the 셔츠 and threw it into the garbage can he’d been aiming for. ‘Aiming’ meaning ‘wanting to hit it but with no chance because his aim sucked like pretty much the rest of it’.
Simon was about to open the door when he noticed something sticking out of the slot between the door and locker side. A letter caught in an envelope.
He rolled his eyes and expected death threats 또는 something of the like. He nearly threw it away when he noticed his name written on the envelope. ‘Simon Milton’ in black letters, evenly spaced out from one another.
He took it out and looked at both sides. Could he deal with it if it were a letter from Christian? 또는 one of his friends- Matthew, Robin 또는 Ricky..? 또는 somebody else who just hated his guts in the school.
He tore through the top. He had nothing to lose, right? Plus he might as well know what was going to come out of nowhere.
Dear Simon,
Christian’s coming on 당신 pretty harsh, isn’t he? Everybody knows. Don’t get them wrong- they don’t all like Christian- but they seem to dislike 당신 more. I’m not saying this to be mean, just so that 당신 know. It’s because they don’t know 당신 well, you’re quiet. Quiet is good, but sometimes people think 당신 just don’t care 또는 have a brain 또는 a personality. And that’s not even it in the bigger part. Christian just scares a lot of people. Anyways, I don’t think 당신 should be hated.
You’re a good biology student, aren’t you? I remember, 당신 tutored one of my 프렌즈 and got him to pass ninth grade last year. It’s weird; I don’t think he remembers that. I think he owes 당신 a lot 더 많이 than the volunteering hours 당신 got out of it. But once again, he doesn’t consider 당신 enough of a person to owe 당신 anything. Where did 당신 start learning about biology anyways? Why? 당신 know so much about it, it amazes me that all that info stays in your head.
You’re also into 동물 a lot, hmm? What do 당신 think of that new conservancy program for the Peregrine 매, 팔 콘 that the government just came up with? I don’t think it’ll work, it seems like asking peasants to get 당신 the moon to me. They’re going to have to put the effort in themselves, not just ask for a bird to magically be relocated into the wild and out of the cities. Besides, cities are wild in their own kind of way.
Anyways, I don’t know if you’ll want to reply 또는 not. If 당신 do just tape your letter underneath the water 분수 between the girls’ and boys’ bathrooms on the 초 floor, in the English section. No wait- the science section :)
I’ll keep my eye out for a letter. I hope there’s one waiting.
No signature.
Simon looked up from the paper and around the hallway, as if someone would run up and say ‘wait a sec, I just need to sign this’.
Who wrote him a letter? Who the heck wrote the geekiest kid in school a letter upon death of social suicide? Simon didn’t know, but he smiled a bit.
Someone had.
Someone had decided he was worth enough to use up a bit of the ink in their pens, a sheet of paper from their notebook, and a few 분 of their time. Someone cared.
What more; it was obviously a girl. Simon could tell 의해 the way the person had written. That made Simon smile a lot because girls tended to class ‘redhead and freckles’ right above ‘Quasimodo’ in the butt-ugly list.
He folded the letter, slipped it in his back pocket and fished his 책 from his locker. He had English- which was perfect, because it was a period for oral presentations. Which meant he could write back to… whoever this was.
The English class Simon had had bare walls and whiteboards. The emptiness was a bit intimidating and boring, much like the teacher.
He sat down at his desk, noticing a new graffiti declaring that J LUVS G. If Simon could respond to 표, 테이블 graffiti, long 이전 he would’ve. ‘Good for you’.
‘Fuck off’. ‘That’s not nice’.
‘I <3 U’. ‘I 사랑 당신 too’.
‘MICHAEL IS GAY’. ‘He seemed happy with Monique in the hallway’
He reread the paper again and again, half of him was expecting the words to fade away 또는 flip upside down and twist until they were words that spoke of hate and revenge.
Mr Pemberton –a big bald man who made the school’s floor shake when he was in a hurry and had had about four wives 의해 the time he decided bachelorhood was for him- came in and started his lecture, interrupted 의해 the national anthem and morning announcements. The oral presentations started and Simon got tired of the rambling started off 의해 unprepared classmates and took his English notebook out from his backpack.
Hey,
Yeah, I guess he is. Getting harsher, I mean. I need to figure out how to buy him a new 셔츠 without money in my pockets/backpack/wallet/long-ago sacrificed piggy bank. I’ll find a way.
Anyways, my dad used to work at the Museum of Nature. I used to get free tours when I was little. I could spend hours and hours in just one part of the museum, 읽기 about each stuffed bird and learning the Latin names. I started doing research on my own after that. What about you? What’s your best subject? 또는 whatever 당신 like?
I agree with 당신 on that. I think the Peregrine Falcon’s environmental program is a waste of money. The Peregrine has adapted to living in skyscrapers and cathedrals and all that. The bird is Least Concerned as far as Conservation status goes. Complete 황소, 불 just to make them look like they care about animals, while really they should be concentrating on different species like the Island Fox, cougar, sea turtle, 또는 even foreign 동물 such as the Asian and African elephant, any kind of rhino, and certain exotic birds.
You can leave your letter under the water 분수 of the English Sector if you’d like. If you’re gonna bother replying.
And if 당신 do are 당신 going to sign the 다음 letter?
Simon
He ripped many sheets from his notebook, and restarted his letter many times until he deemed this one appropriate. He folded it up, wondered if he would be lucky enough to get an answer twice, checked his schedule to see when he’d be in the science sector, and then paid attention to the presentations.
The 벨 rung and everybody rushed out of class as if the seats would burst into flames if they sat for a 초 after the bell. Marco shot right 의해 him like a cannonball, and he threw Simon to the ground with the force of one too. He got back to his feet after a few girls sidestepped him.
He asked Mr Pemberton for a piece of tape on his way out since he had science next. Careful not to screw up 의해 folding the tape onto itself, he navigated his way through the hallway, careful not to push 또는 step on toes. People got twice as mad when their toes got stepped on and they looked up to see his freckled face.
Then he heard heavy laughing and turned around to see Christian, walking through the hallway with his friends, a Herculean arm draped around tiny Fey.
He started pushing then.
He got a drink of water, ignoring the gum floating at the bottom of the 분수 and glued his letter underneath. It felt sloppy somehow. Not to have an envelope with a name written on it like she’d done for his letter.
Oh well,[i] Simon thought. [i]If that was just a joke and she’s not gonna answer, a stupid envelope would’ve made it 더 많이 funny.
But looking over his shoulder; Simon had a strange sense of hope.
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Simon climbed upstairs after class, quite proud of himself. He had had a good day. A really, really good day.
He’d volunteered to take an absent tenth grader’s shift at the school store during lunch so he could eat over the counter as long as he was careful not to spill crumbs everywhere (which meant avoiding the cafeteria), and he hadn’t had French 또는 Math today- the two classes which he had to share with Christian.
And of course the letter had started it. Like one big snowball picking up from the 상단, 맨 위로 of Mount Everest and landing big as a small planet at the bottom- it’d started the series of fortunate events of the day.
He was going to sprawl on his 침대 and listen to an audiobook about extinct species, untangling the earphones of his iPod as he walked up the stairs. He pushed the door open with his hip, shook off his backpack and he froze and saw it on the bed. A coil of rope that his dad had used to make stands out of wood while camping.
Oh right. He’d given himself until tonight to figure it out. He’d completely forgotten about it- forgotten about it in the best of ways.
Smiling to himself, he picked it up and threw it in his closet.
¬ Simon entered through a different door that morning at school. It’d be a longer walk to get to his locker, but it gave him the chance to go through the English sector. He reached under the water 분수 and grinned when his hand found a piece of paper. He detached it, eagerly at first but once he nearly ripped it clean in half, he calmed his hands.
He nearly ran to his locker, stuffed the 책 he’d need for the first two periods out of his backpack, and then went to sit down in Math class. There was nobody there but Mr Martin, who had a pile of essays in front of him, but was texting under his desk- as always. According to Brenda Church the text messages –which she’d read above his shoulder once- were part of a hot affair.
He sat down and opened it up.
Dear Simon,
This’ll sound stupid to 당신 since your grades match up with Newton and Edison’s childhood marks, but my best subject is gym class. I’m not the brains of the operation, 당신 might say. Just isn’t what I’m made for. Numbers and letters can all go to heck. I just like being out in the field and moving and doing something that counted in the moment.
You memorised the names of Latin 동물 when 당신 were a kid? God- that’s impressive, Simon! What’s the Latin name of a butterfly? I’ve always loved butterflies. There was a story when I was a kid that my mom used to tell me, back when me and my parents lived in the country and our neighbour had a big, big field full of bugs that he let me play in because he thought I was cute. She said that white 나비 were the souls of dead people, when they couldn’t live in their bodies anymore. I told her that white was boring, and I wanted my 나비 to be purple. People were 더 많이 colourful than just white wings to me. People should have tie-died 또는 무지개, 레인 보우 또는 glittery 나비 in my mind. She smiled and laughed and told me that the 나비 were white because of purity and innocence. Because once we were dead we couldn’t do any 더 많이 damage.
She died later on that year, in the hospital. I was at 집 with my aunt because it was summer –one of those warm summer days that are sticky on the skin- and I cried and cried and cried, and then I went out in the neighbour’s field. I sat down in the middle of it and waited until I saw a white 나비 flutter up and fly away, completely ignoring the little flies, the grasshoppers and any other bug. It was going up, so I figured it was going to heaven, and I figured it was my mom. That’s when I went back inside and gave my aunt a hug and grieved like a proper person- black clothes, burial, et cetera, et cetera. That sounds dumb, just one of my stupid logics from when I was a kid.
Science sector water 분수 again?
I also hope this fixes your 셔츠 problem.
Simon’s eyes flared. Right under the text there was a twenty dollar bill stuck on with a paperclip. His jaw dropped. She was giving him twenty dollars? A bill- a green bill! Gosh, she must really want to help him…
No I won’t sign.
And the letter ended there.
Simon closed his mouth, hoping his jaw muscles would hold. He immediately folded up the letter, hiding the money and stuffing it in his back pocket. Christian was in that class- it would suck for him to steal twenty dollars out of his pocket.
For the rest of the morning he looked over the people in the hallways and wondered who the girl might be. What colour were her eyes? What about her hair? How did she dress? Jeans and t-shirts, 또는 was she classier than that? What was her name? Rachel? Jen? There were about four Jens in the tenth grade. Maria? Katherine? There were five of those, one Katarina and one Catherine who was over from a French school to learn English.
Hope, he decided. Things were named for what they looked like sometimes- leopard 도마뱀 붙이, 게코, 게 코 for the stripes, white 상어 for the colour, 젤리 물고기 for the looks of the top… If she had to be named for what she was, her name would be Hope.
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At lunch, he sat down at the library’s computer and ignored the grumbling of his stomach. He took out his English notes and opened a Wikipedia page on Shakespeare to look unsuspicious. looked up a few things to get the facts straight in his head and then put his English notebook on his keyboard and rummaged through his pencil case for a mechanical pencil that still had enough led to hold in it.
Hey[i]
Simon nearly screwed up at the first word. He nearly wrote ‘Hope’ 다음 to ‘hey’. He erased the start of the ‘H’ with the stub eraser at the end of his pencil and replaced it with a comma.
[i]I do not take money from people who don’t owe it to me, keep it. I’ll fend for myself.
Anyways, gym class isn’t stupid. It means you’ll be healthy for the rest of your life. Better that than fat and greasy mathematicians with bachelor degrees in everything who could die of a 심장 attack at any time. Besides, whatever makes 당신 happy works.
I bet you are smart, 당신 just need someone to explain stuff to 당신 better. Ever consider tutoring 또는 just staying at lunch to ask your teacher 질문 when the twenty other idiots in your class aren’t around?
I’m sorry about your mother. That’s really sad. 당신 were seven? 당신 were so young. What happened to her?
I don’t think it’s stupid- what 당신 said about butterflies. I don’t think it’s stupid at all.
[/i] Papilio is the Latin word, from which ‘papillon’, which is the French word for ‘butterfly’. But if you’re looking for a white butterfly, one kind is the Dixeia family, found mostly in Africa. So that wasn’t the 나비 당신 saw. 당신 might have seen[/i[ Pieris marginalis(a native white), 또는 a Pieris rapae (cabage white butterfly).
Did 당신 know that in Chinese culture, two 나비 flying together were considered a symbol of love? And that in the Philippines, if a black 나비 lingered around your house it was thought that someone was going to die? In Devonshire, people used to rush around and kill the first 나비 they saw in the year, 또는 else they thought it was bad luck. When a 나비 lands on you, it’s thought to be good luck. And like your mother said, the Greeks thought that 나비 represented the souls of the dead, which is why their word, psyche literally means ‘soul’. Japanese people thought that 나비 were souls, except not just of dead people.
Science Sec. water fountain: yes. Tomorrow I’m leaving your letter under the water 분수 near the gym, okay? :P
Simon
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A 일 had gone by, and he hadn’t found Hope’s letter under the water fountain. This didn’t bother him, maybe she’d been late bouncing out of 침대 and hadn’t had time to stick it under the water fountain. He’d check again.
The thought helped Simon not swear under his breath as he pushed through the cafeteria doors. He sat down on the first 표, 테이블 near the door, on the other side of which the garbage cans were lined. That was the only reason that the 표, 테이블 was free, because the garbage cans smelled really, really bad. They were cleaned 의해 kids in detention, and those make-do janitors weren’t the careful type. A swoosh of water with a squirt of even worst smelling wash that was purely chemically made 레몬 smell; that was it.
The school store was being handled 의해 a bunch of seventh graders who hadn’t brought back their permission slip for some activity to promote provincial artists, and the 도서관, 라이브러리 was already full since today was the 일 that all the Spanish teachers were picking up short stories- which half of the population seemed to have forgotten to do. It was raining, so on 상단, 맨 위로 of that, everyone had flooded the cafeteria. Including him.
He sat down and pulled a bagged lunch from his backpack. He slipped a 샌드위치 out of his Ziploc bag and took a bite. He was shaking a bottle of 주황색, 오렌지 주스 before opening it while the thought that today might work out after all came to mind.
That’s when Christian made his way up the stairs to Simon’s table.
The sides of the cafeteria were at the same level as the rest of the school, but the center caved in a bit. So when Christian walked up barking his name, Simon felt like he was on a stage. A 곰 with a ring through his snout asked to dance in front of people who would toss coins in an upturned hat. Matthew, Robin and Ricky were following him. Simon froze and put the 주스 bottle down.
“Hey ginger, where’s my shirt? It’s been two days now, 당신 owe me one with interest.” Christian said.
“I- don’t… Have any…” Simon 로스트 his words somewhere in the throat area as he prepared to say them. Christian grabbed Simon 의해 the 칼라 and swung him off his chair and backed up to a garbage can, as if Simon was just another football for the quarterback to work at.
“What did 당신 say?” Christian said.
“I don’t have any money.” Simon said really quickly. “I’m sorry; I’d get 당신 a new 셔츠 but…”
Christian cracked his knuckles. “My girlfriend isn’t here, 당신 know.”
Simon swallowed.
“And my little doodle should’ve been decent warning, don’t 당신 think boys?”
Matthew, Ricky and Robin nodded. Ricky sniggered like a total idiot, but Simon was too afraid to point that out.
“So what do 당신 think, Milton?” Christian said. “Hun?”
Simon looked to the right, at all the people in the cafeteria. Some of them kept eating as if nothing was happening- and maybe they honestly didn’t notice him. But some, just judging 의해 the place 또는 the way they were sitting, had to be noticing Simon. They had to notice that Christian had him 의해 the collar, that Simon was powerless… And they didn’t do anything.
Not even Hope.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Christian said. The bully shoved him, and he fell back against the garbage cans, knocking several over and causing their contents to spill out, mostly on Simon. He had a 바나나 peel on his head (or at least he hoped it was a 바나나 peel) and 쌀 draped in an 주황색, 오렌지 sauce was leaking all over his arm. The three goons snickered and Christian smiled to himself.
“One 더 많이 day, punk. I’m giving 당신 one 더 많이 day. 또는 else garbage cans will be the least of your worries.”
Simon looked down at the ground and knew that he was shaking like a leaf. Once Christian and his 프렌즈 had stomped off, he righted himself and turned back towards his table, still shaking and feeling like he’d be sick. He picked up his bag, leaving his lunchbox, leaving the big pouch on the bag unzipped, the garbage cans flipped over, Simon didn’t care.
He pushed the heavy school doors and staggered to the men’s room; he leaned against the counter and took deep breaths, not looking up at the mirror. He felt like throwing up, his chest tight and heavy, he felt hot and trapped like a caged animal.
It had been raining since late last night, thunder, lightning- the whole kit. All the tenth graders were eating in the cafeteria today, and that had to include Hope because there wasn’t any kind of sport practise 또는 team meeting today, and the woman who watched over the detention room had vertigo 또는 something like that so they were all cancelled. She might be sending him letters, but she didn’t care 더 많이 than that. Not enough to 옮기기 an inch when he was on the ground, getting kicked, covered in 바나나 peels and left over curry.
He wasn’t that important. He wasn’t worth anything like those few letters had made him think, what kind of idiot had he been to think so?
He felt like doing it. Right there and then, in that school bathroom he felt like hanging himself 또는 cutting his wrists or-or something. And he’d just let them find his body and wonder why he’d done it, and then figure it out, point at Christian and go ‘oh, he’s why’.
He took a deep breath. No. He couldn’t do that. 또는 at least not here.
He waited it out in the bathroom, ignoring the fact that he was hungry. Nobody came, so he sat down with his head pressed against the sink and waited it out until the 벨 rung.
On his way out, he saw something on the door. A white envelope.
No way, he though.
Part of him was so mad; he wanted to flush the damn thing as if to say take that Hope. Take that.
But another part of him… Another part of him wanted a big hug and a 초콜릿 chip cookie and for someone to say ‘it’s okay, 당신 know. All of it. It’s not that bad, 당신 can make it.’
So he took it off the door and tore the top, swallowing tears and a lump in his throat.
I heard what Christian did to 당신 in the cafeteria. I wasn’t there; I was getting help from Mr Sorenson about math- like 당신 said in your last letter. It helped a lot. I also saw the garbage cans fallen down and all. I cleaned it up for you. I’m so sorry 당신 got that all over you, here’s a pack of wipes.
There was indeed a pack of wipes which the letter was wrapped around.
I use them for make –up but 당신 need them 더 많이 right now. Are 당신 okay?
Do 당신 know about Spix Macaws? I bet you’ve at least heard the name since 당신 know so much about endangered animals. They’re a kind of 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 with amazingly pretty blue feathers found in Brazil. They’re nearly instinct now, because of poachers and the fact that the Africanised bee was introduced into their homes. They’re presumed extinct in the wild since 2000, but there are still 85 of them in captivity. Right? Did I raid Wikipedia right? Either way, that’s sad, because they’re beautiful birds and humans shouldn’t have to scramble to fix their messes when it’s so nearly too late.
Please don’t be a mess we have to scramble to fix, Simon. Please don’t.
Simon started crying. He wouldn’t pretend to be macho, because macho was Christian’s goal in life and he didn’t want to share that.
He took out the wipes and pressed them to his cheeks, to soak up the tears. They kept coming. It was one of the first times that someone his age had asked him if he was okay in a long, long time.
How could he kill himself? People did care. The world wasn’t summed up as him against the world. It was him against Christian. There was still hope.
And there was Hope too.
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It was about two weeks after the 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 letter. Simon had stolen a white 셔츠 from the 로스트 and Found bin and it seemed to satisfy Christian, who had moved on to other things to tease Simon with.
Simon had been exchanging letters with Hope since. Sometimes he got 더 많이 than one per day, depending on when he got them and what classes he had to write a reply in. Fey’s always came in an envelope, and Simon always gave her a nature fact. He tried to make them about butterflies. He’d even admitted to the name he’d given her, but he hadn’t told her why. She’d answered with a smiley face and a ‘that’s not my name, but I like it’. He kept the letters in an empty shoebox near his bed. Except for the 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 letter. That one was folded up in his pocket at all times.
And he’d just made a big move. Upon her advice, he’d stayed after school at a group counselling meeting with the guidance counsellor for the people with last names A to M. There was a girl with a brother and a dad in the army, a brother and sister pair whose parents had divorced recently after a scandalous affair, one whose sister had been diagnosed with cancer, and a girl who got teased because of her looks and had just come out of a hospital program for anorexia.
He hadn’t said a word and the guidance counsellor, Miss Nicholas, hadn’t pushed him.
He’d forgotten his gym clothes in his locker and knew that his mother was expecting him to do laundry that night, so he walked up to his locker to go get it. He was locking up when he heard the door open and then someone call out his name. He looked back and saw Christian.
His blood froze but Simon didn’t move. Christian spotted him and smiled like a 악어 who’d just spotted his prey might.
“Hello Simon,” he said. “What’ve 당신 got, there?”
Simon didn’t say anything. Christian had an arm around Fey and he was holding her close to his body, her head pressed on his chest. Ricky and Matthew were with them, and only Ricky and Matthew, since Robin had –to Simon’s delight- been suspended recently due to bullying a younger student. Simon was pretty sure they were all behind it, but Robin had taken the consequence.
Christian snatched the plastic bag, releasing Fey from his grip, and dangled it over Simon’s head.
“What’ve we got here?” He asked. He took Simon’s clothes out and tossed them to Ricky and Matthew. “A little weenie 셔츠 about some marathon for prostate cancer- oh that’s why 당신 were amputated there, I see.”
Ricky and Matthew nearly died of laughter and Simon looked away, internally preparing himself to muster the courage to say ‘give me back my gym clothes’.
“Oh- and lame little shorts. Hmm, no extra panties?”
That’s when Fey moved. She snatched the bag from Christian, and the clothes from the goons. She stuffed them back in.
“Christian- leave Simon alone!” Fey said. Simon blinked in shock. The only times he’d been talked about in front of her, he’d been called Ginger and he’d never had a class with Fey. He hadn’t thought she’d known his name.
“Baby, come on,” Christian said with a grin, raising his arms as if to hug her. “We’re just having-”
“Fun?” Fey said, pushing his arms away. “That’s not fun and games, Chris, that’s not fun and games. Leave him alone, stop being a jerk.”
“Baby- whoa- calm down,” he said, hands up as if his girlfriend had a gun. “If that’s what 당신 want…”
“That’s only part of what I want,” Fey said. She took a deep breath. “The other thing; I want 당신 to go away, 삭제 my number and address off your phone, and never talk to me again.”
Christian’s jaw dropped.
“Baby-”
“I’m not your Baby,” Fey said with her teeth locked. “Go away now 또는 I will call the Principal- call the cops- 또는 something.”
Christian seemed flabbergasted and then he turned to Simon. His face went back to being mean.
“You-”
“Don’t 당신 dare touch Simon!” Fey said.
Christian looked like a 황소, 불 that’d just seen a red McDonald’s sign, but he left after flipping Simon the finger.
Once the doors of the hallway had slammed shut and they were alone. Fey handed him the bag, and Simon stuffed his gym bag in his backpack, looking up at Fey. She looked at him.
“You’re Hope,” Simon finally said, standing up, swinging his backpack on his back.
“Are 당신 being metaphorical, 또는 literal?” She asked.
“Literal. That’s your name- well, the name I gave you. Hope.” Simon said. “You… Why did 당신 do that? Why did 당신 break up with him he’s- what every girl…”
“Wants,” Fey said nodding. “It’s what every girl wants. But what every girl needs is someone who’ll look up 나비 on Wikipedia, answer letters, be a gentleman and not take their twenties, and be strong in the head.”
And with that she stood on her tiptoes and delicately, gently put her lips to his, and the fingers cupping his cheeks were as gentle of a touch as a butterfly’s wings.
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Simon walked with his head up high, compacted in the flow of students exiting the school like any other guy. He was walking 다음 to Alan and Ollie and Jessa.
The last two months had been the best of his life. Fey had introduced him to her friends- her real friends, the ones she used to eat lunch and spend Friday nights with before Christian came along and annexed her whole life to his. They were nice people; Alan, Ollie, Jessa... She taught him how to pitch decently and whistle, and he tutored her. They spent time together doing a million things Simon –for a long, cold while- hadn’t thought he’d ever do with someone. 또는 at least not do it hand in hand.
His phone buzzed in his pocket; still on vibrate since he’d been in class. He said his goodbyes to his 프렌즈 and walked away from the bustle of students and stood aside. He checked called ID and grinned when he saw Fey’s name.
“Hey Fey, what’s up?”
She took a while to respond and when she did her words seemed confused, grabbed at. “Simon, c-come here,” she asked. Her voice sounded fragile, like she was shards of glass getting walked on and broken again.
“Come? Why, where are you? Are 당신 crying? Fey- what’s wrong, are 당신 hurt, who the hell..?”
“I’m at… I’m at… The hospital. The Children’s hospital- oncology department. 당신 know, oncology for…”
“Cancer.” Simon finished. “Cancer…”
Horrible things have two ways of showing. They can be so unexpected they block in your mind and leave 당신 floating there, like a piece of 우주 junk. Your thoughts can go slowly, crawl up and take over your mind like a 거미 또는 some horrible arachnid and then sting 당신 and take 당신 over, reeling 당신 under in a scary and furious flood.
Or they can zoom right to your mind and be like narcotic venom- it takes 당신 over and eats 당신 and 당신 know right away that the most horrible, terrible thing just happened and 당신 react as fast as a cheetah, 또는 a 매, 팔 콘 in dive, even if that won’t help.
He ran towards the nearest bus stop, pushing people out of the way and running like a demon and promising to Fey on the phone that he’d be there as soon as he possibly, possibly could.
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The last months had been hard. He’d been coming to see Fey whenever he could, he’d watch her lose her hair bits at a time, and be too weak to smile but try anyways. She’d do it anyways. They’d talk about life outside the chemical smelling infrastructure, he’d ask her how she was doing, they’d go to the game room, and she’d insist he help her keep up with school for when she came back. For the remains of tenth grade and the start of eleventh grade; he read to her so she knew about the plays they were studying, and he’d show her science experiments via footage from Alan’s iPod. But that was on good days. On bad days, Simon would hold her hand and let the hum of machinery rock her to sleep along with gentle words and comforting squeezes.
Today he was running late because his whole family had gathered in his grandmother’s nursing 집 for the Fall Equinox celebrations. It was odd, he’d gotten texts and calls 의해 the truckload. Sadly he couldn’t answer because he was wheeling grandmother through the activities and lunch line.
He rushed through the hallways, checking his watch even if he already knew that he had twenty 분 until visiting hours were over.
The nurse that Fey had taken to, talking baseball with, asking for, allowing to reel her into the invasive practises and exams 더 많이 easily, caught Simon on his way in.
“Simon, you’ve got to know… Her breathing is awfully slow.” She said.
“Her breathing?” He frowned.
“And her pulse. Her heartbeat.”
“Her..?”
“Simon, I’m sorry, but what I’m trying to say is that we’ll be surprised if she makes it through the night. Her other 프렌즈 have already said goodbye.” The nurse said with a gentle and pained smile.
He gathered himself in the men’s room, his thought process twisted and painful. He called his mom telling her not to pick him up until he called and hung up before she called for explanation. He checked his phone. The texts and calls were from Alan, Ollie and Jessa, Fey’s dad even. Get to the hospital; Fey needs you; Simon, get here; Simon Fey’s not doing great; 저기요 Simon, it’s around six, and 당신 need to get to the hospital now, Fey’s not eating; Dang it Simon why won’t 당신 pick up?
The gentler messages were Jessa’s, then there were Mr Delaney, Ollie skirted around the subject and was frantic, and Ollie was impatient and sharp.
He leaned over the sink. He couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t.
But he had to. Like he had on the first 일 of the illness.
He just stood there for a few minutes. Then he went to go see Fey.
She lied in bed, wearing his thick grey hoody from the Royal Tyrell Museum in Alberta. Her father sat at a respectable distance, watching her. He’d already said goodbye, Simon could tell. His eyes were haunted. Was he remembering how he’d watched his wife die exactly like this? With the exact same illness hacking at her body and sapping all the life away, a part of their soul when they couldn’t 옮기기 and run like Fey and her mother had both had to? Cancer taking half of the butterfly’s wings?
She smiled when she saw him.
“Hi Fey, how’s it going?” Simon asked, sitting down 다음 to her.
“Really bad,” she said. “Simon, I’m…”
“I know,” he said, taking her hands.
“That’s not what I meant, I know 당신 know. I mean that I’m not leaving 당신 tonight.”
She was pale. She was skin on bone. She hadn’t eaten real 음식 for days. She relied on the IV for fluid. Her breath was wheezy. How much longer could a girl like Fey live like that? How much longer could anybody live like that?
“Shh, Fey.” He said. “You do what you’ve got to do. Okay? 당신 were already my light. 당신 were hope to me. I can’t ask 당신 to be 더 많이 than that, Fey, I 사랑 당신 too much.”
Tears welled up in her eyes and she let out a moan between starting to cry and pain.
“Simon?” She asked. The LCD slowed painfully. And slowed. And slowed. The ‘beep’ sounds scared Simon. Each ‘beep’ meant she was with him still, but they were getting so scarce…
“Yeah Fey?” He asked. “Yeah Hope?”
“Will 당신 look for my butterfly?” She asked. “When I die?”
Simon felt himself tear up. He felt like telling her that no, there wouldn’t be a butterfly. But it’d feel like an insult to give her fake hope after everything she’d done for him.
“Yeah Fey. I’ll look for 당신 butterfly. And I’ll watch it go up to heaven.” He said. “It’s going to be beautiful- just like 당신 are. And its wings are going to be purple.”
That made her smile a bit. Her old favourite colour made her smile while she died. “What kinds of 나비 are purple?” She asked.
He started naming her 나비 and he was still naming 나비 when she died.
Simon only knew five types of purple butterflies.
Even with the tightness inside his chest, even with the pain and sadness building up inside him and the tears building up in his eyes, the sound of a crying man who’d just had his world taken apart for the 초 time…
He ran out of the room, dodging people in wheelchairs 또는 parents walking their kids around as they dragged IV units, and stopped in the parking lot of the hospital, looking for a 나비 in the nearby fields. He was hopeful; that was something Fey had given him that cancer couldn’t take away; that no illness was strong enough to take away.
He let his tight chest relax after running, but it didn’t feel any 더 많이 relaxed. He felt his eyes blur up. Hope 또는 not, there went Fey. She’d changed him forever, and there she went. What a 나비 effect- one letter, one boy who didn’t hang himself, one boyfriend, one griever. What a 나비 effect. If somebody deserved a 나비 that wasn’t plain white, it was Fey.
He saw fireflies, lights in the dark.
And then he saw a 나비 fly up from the grass.
Letters to Simon
There was pretty, and then there was beautiful. There was scary, and then there was horrifying. Everything seemed to be on different levels in life. 당신 climbed on step at a time, like some kind of cosmic ladder, until 당신 got to the top.
So there was annoyed, then there was scared, then there was terrified, then there was tired, then there was tired of everything.
If Simon took another step up that ladder, he’d fall off and smash against the ground. Then again, maybe that wouldn’t be that bad.
He was thinking about it as he walked down the hallway, and didn’t notice that he bumped right into Christian Bristow, who smashed his bottle of Gatorade into his 셔츠 and had it spilled all over now. The blue stain was dripping down and growing.
“Watch it, ginger.” Christian sneered. The blood in Simon’s veins froze.
“S-sorry C…Christian.” Simon said. He tried to 족제비 away but two of Christian’s 프렌즈 stepped in the way.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, twerp. See this stain? That won’t go away. Now will it, honey?”
Simon looked to his right and saw Fey Delaney, a short girl with a fairy-like figure and brown hair, blue-grey eyes that were so captivating and soft at the same time. She wore the school varsity 재킷, 자 켓 that came with playing third base and skinny jeans. She was the prettiest girl in school according to an amateur and anonymous list stapled on lockers and bathroom stall doors.
“I don’t know Chris,” she said. Her voice was as soft as her eyes.
“Well I don’t think it will,” Christian said, cracking his knuckles. Please no, if there’s anybody out there to talk to and who’ll make a difference, please no. I’ll sacrifice a chicken- I don’t care how socially acceptable that is, just get me out of here… “Sugar, 당신 can just go sit in the bleachers in advance, watch the others warm up. We’ll catch up.”
“Chris, no,” she said. “I don’t want 당신 guys to be late for practise.”
Christian cracked his knuckles again, and looked down to the girl who’d wrapped her arms around his. Then back up at Simon. His nose crinkled just to define the fact that he was definitely a less appealing sight than Fey was.
“You’re lucky my girlfriend’s here, ginger.” He said. “You owe me a new shirt.”
Simon didn’t even protest that Christian had taken his lunch money earlier in the day, because then Fey 또는 no Fey, he’d get punched right across the mouth.
Christian stepped on Simon’s foot on his way to the other side of the hallway. Once they’d disappeared down the stairs, talking and laughing about football, Simon continued down the hallway until he got to his locker. He entered the combo but his hands shook so bad that he had to re-enter missed numbers constantly. After a few tries he managed to get it right and he swung the door open.
Some people had pictures of their 프렌즈 inside their locker doors. 상단, 맨 위로 to bottom plastered with smiling faces, strips of picture booth pictures taken with ‘who can make the silliest face’ in mind, self-portraits with their loved ones in their arms, action shots of their 개 sprinting across green grass…
Simon didn’t. He had a picture of Aidan and Nadia, who’d moved away last year, and schematics of the parts of a cell, another of the animal kingdom including flora.
He sighed and started looking through the bottom part for his biology book. Mom had sent him back to school to go get it even if he insisted he didn’t have to study. He looked through and through and heard one of the school’s big heavy doors open.
Crud- Christian’s back!
He sprang up to be straight and shut his locker and knocked his head on the above shelf that was built-in.
“Ouch!” He roared. He turned around and saw two girls who must be from the seventh-eight grade pavilion of the school. They were whispering together and obviously arguing.
“Excuse me,” one called up to Simon, “Do 당신 know where the yearbook comity is meeting today?”
The tenseness in Simon’s shoulders faded and they slowly dropped. So did his 심장 rate. He just looked at her for a few seconds, looked at her and processed that she wasn’t out to get him, and shook his head ‘no’.
The girl rolled her eyes, obviously unhappy and they just walked on.
“Some use he was, I didn’t know the school accepted deaf-mutes.” One muttered when Simon was ‘too far to hear’. But he did. Her friend giggled, and their conversation went on as Simon watched them walk down the hallway, backpacks swung across a shoulder, happily fooling around with each other, and disappearing through the same doors Christian and Fey had come in through.
Simon kicked his locker and back up until he could kick the one on the other side of the doorway. He slid down one and buried his face in his hands.
He was a squirrel- some kind of rodent. Whenever there was a chance, a thin, thin chance, of Christian’s presence he panicked and scrambled and dug his head into the ground to hide like an ostrich. He was weak and cowardly.
No, he thought. I’m scared. And I’m scared and I’m allowed to be because I’ve been scared since September and so far, nothing has proved that I shouldn’t be.
He looked up from his sprawl-fingered mask and up at his locker. The door was still swinging and the picture of Aidan and Nadia slid to the ground. He crawled across the hallway and picked it up.
Both of the Sarama twins had thick black hair and dark eyes, huge grins complimenting their faces any day. The picture had been taken in front of the new store their father had opened downtown- a Lebanese restaurant with pies, tabouleh, freshly made pita bread, baklavas and shawarmas. It was the reason the whole family had moved downtown, away from the suburb community where they’d lived; to help open and manage the family-run store. Since then, Simon had been totally alone; the twins had been his two only friends. He didn’t even see them much anymore- no movies, no amusement parks, water parks, museum tours, 랜덤 meet-ups in parks, chat, texting, nothing. He hadn’t seen them in person since he and his parents had gone downtown to try the food, and he didn’t think it was going to change anytime soon.
He sighed. He really was alone. A lone 다람쥐 at that.
He sunk his face in his knees again and breathed deeply.
He’d just taken one 더 많이 step on the big cosmos ladder. Past scared, terrified, tired, tired of everything.
He was now on the step of ‘I want out’.
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At 저녁 식사 he didn’t talk, and before 저녁 식사 he pretended to study biology while it wasn’t laws of inheritances 또는 genes, chromosomes 또는 DNA technology that hammered on the inside of his head. It was one word over and over, and it begun with the letter ‘s’.
He had 스파게티 for supper, and the ‘s’ sound when his father told Mom that the 스파게티 was delicious made the word click off in his head again. So did his mother’s response: ‘Sally the secretary is Italian, the sauce is her recipe’. Same went for ‘Pass the salad’, ‘Sorry’ when his dad dropped the parmesan cheese, 또는 Dad’s story of ‘There’s a guy in the office who puts soya sauce on his spaghetti’.
He excused himself to go study some 더 많이 after scraping most of it off his plate. Mom smiled.
“Good thing I told 당신 to go back to school and get your textbook, right?”
Simon nodded. “Yeah. Thanks Mom.”
He scurried upstairs and buried his face in his pillow.
This isn’t good, Simon, he thought to himself. You shouldn’t be thinking this stuff. It’s not like you’re that screwed.
Well if I’m not that screwed, a small part of him thought hardly, why isn’t anybody else telling me this?
Simon lied down and didn’t 옮기기 a muscle for a long time. No thoughts came into his mind; no thoughts came out of it. It was like somebody had replaced his brain with a blob of jello. He could blink, breathe and feel miserable but not figure a thing out.
The door opened and Simon twisted in his 침대 to look back at his mom.
“Hey Simon,” she said with a beautiful smile. “Are 당신 okay?”
“Okay? Yeah, I’m fine.” He said. You were just considering suicide. 당신 are not okay.
“You seemed thoughtful at supper. You’ve always been a very thoughtful boy but… Never mind. I’m sorry I teased 당신 about your biology book, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
“That’s fine Mom, it didn’t bug me,” he said.
“Do 당신 need help studying?” She offered.
“I think I’ll be fine.”
She smiled. “It’s nearly eleven, okay? Lights out soon, I’m sure you’ll ace it.”
“Kay Mom,” he said.
“And that counts flashlights under the blankets too, honey.”
Honey; that’s what Christian called Fey back in the hall.
“You got me Mom,” he said to joke around. She smiled.
“That’s because you’re exactly like your father used to be. Goodnight, I 사랑 you.”
“Ditto,” Simon said. The door eased closed. He pulled off his 셔츠 and lied down again, this time he was thinking.
Christian would beat him up if he didn’t have a 셔츠 tomorrow. He couldn’t just 물고기 something out of his closet because Christian’s rock solid abs and trunk-thick arms would just explode out of any of his XS shirts. And, as previously mentioned, he was broke.
Simon fell asleep wondering if Christian would 펀치 him in the face, 또는 once again where clothes covered up bruised skin.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
He dragged himself out of bed, through the shower, kitchen, streets, and school doors to finally stop at his locker.
He’d made a decision last night. He’d give it until tonight to pick what to do with himself. Abandon ship, 또는 tough it out.
He looked up at his locker. With duct tape, a white 셔츠 was stuck onto the door. There was a blue stain across the chest, and someone had drawn two stickmen in permanent marker. One was surrounded 의해 a pool of red-sharpie blood, one was up and about. Two arrows designated the stickman as ‘You’ and ‘Me’.
He ripped the 셔츠 off and tossed it in the hallway. It landed across a pile of notebooks a guy was carrying for both he and his girlfriend.
“Watch it, loser!” He barked. His girlfriend picked up the 셔츠 and threw it into the garbage can he’d been aiming for. ‘Aiming’ meaning ‘wanting to hit it but with no chance because his aim sucked like pretty much the rest of it’.
Simon was about to open the door when he noticed something sticking out of the slot between the door and locker side. A letter caught in an envelope.
He rolled his eyes and expected death threats 또는 something of the like. He nearly threw it away when he noticed his name written on the envelope. ‘Simon Milton’ in black letters, evenly spaced out from one another.
He took it out and looked at both sides. Could he deal with it if it were a letter from Christian? 또는 one of his friends- Matthew, Robin 또는 Ricky..? 또는 somebody else who just hated his guts in the school.
He tore through the top. He had nothing to lose, right? Plus he might as well know what was going to come out of nowhere.
Dear Simon,
Christian’s coming on 당신 pretty harsh, isn’t he? Everybody knows. Don’t get them wrong- they don’t all like Christian- but they seem to dislike 당신 more. I’m not saying this to be mean, just so that 당신 know. It’s because they don’t know 당신 well, you’re quiet. Quiet is good, but sometimes people think 당신 just don’t care 또는 have a brain 또는 a personality. And that’s not even it in the bigger part. Christian just scares a lot of people. Anyways, I don’t think 당신 should be hated.
You’re a good biology student, aren’t you? I remember, 당신 tutored one of my 프렌즈 and got him to pass ninth grade last year. It’s weird; I don’t think he remembers that. I think he owes 당신 a lot 더 많이 than the volunteering hours 당신 got out of it. But once again, he doesn’t consider 당신 enough of a person to owe 당신 anything. Where did 당신 start learning about biology anyways? Why? 당신 know so much about it, it amazes me that all that info stays in your head.
You’re also into 동물 a lot, hmm? What do 당신 think of that new conservancy program for the Peregrine 매, 팔 콘 that the government just came up with? I don’t think it’ll work, it seems like asking peasants to get 당신 the moon to me. They’re going to have to put the effort in themselves, not just ask for a bird to magically be relocated into the wild and out of the cities. Besides, cities are wild in their own kind of way.
Anyways, I don’t know if you’ll want to reply 또는 not. If 당신 do just tape your letter underneath the water 분수 between the girls’ and boys’ bathrooms on the 초 floor, in the English section. No wait- the science section :)
I’ll keep my eye out for a letter. I hope there’s one waiting.
No signature.
Simon looked up from the paper and around the hallway, as if someone would run up and say ‘wait a sec, I just need to sign this’.
Who wrote him a letter? Who the heck wrote the geekiest kid in school a letter upon death of social suicide? Simon didn’t know, but he smiled a bit.
Someone had.
Someone had decided he was worth enough to use up a bit of the ink in their pens, a sheet of paper from their notebook, and a few 분 of their time. Someone cared.
What more; it was obviously a girl. Simon could tell 의해 the way the person had written. That made Simon smile a lot because girls tended to class ‘redhead and freckles’ right above ‘Quasimodo’ in the butt-ugly list.
He folded the letter, slipped it in his back pocket and fished his 책 from his locker. He had English- which was perfect, because it was a period for oral presentations. Which meant he could write back to… whoever this was.
The English class Simon had had bare walls and whiteboards. The emptiness was a bit intimidating and boring, much like the teacher.
He sat down at his desk, noticing a new graffiti declaring that J LUVS G. If Simon could respond to 표, 테이블 graffiti, long 이전 he would’ve. ‘Good for you’.
‘Fuck off’. ‘That’s not nice’.
‘I <3 U’. ‘I 사랑 당신 too’.
‘MICHAEL IS GAY’. ‘He seemed happy with Monique in the hallway’
He reread the paper again and again, half of him was expecting the words to fade away 또는 flip upside down and twist until they were words that spoke of hate and revenge.
Mr Pemberton –a big bald man who made the school’s floor shake when he was in a hurry and had had about four wives 의해 the time he decided bachelorhood was for him- came in and started his lecture, interrupted 의해 the national anthem and morning announcements. The oral presentations started and Simon got tired of the rambling started off 의해 unprepared classmates and took his English notebook out from his backpack.
Hey,
Yeah, I guess he is. Getting harsher, I mean. I need to figure out how to buy him a new 셔츠 without money in my pockets/backpack/wallet/long-ago sacrificed piggy bank. I’ll find a way.
Anyways, my dad used to work at the Museum of Nature. I used to get free tours when I was little. I could spend hours and hours in just one part of the museum, 읽기 about each stuffed bird and learning the Latin names. I started doing research on my own after that. What about you? What’s your best subject? 또는 whatever 당신 like?
I agree with 당신 on that. I think the Peregrine Falcon’s environmental program is a waste of money. The Peregrine has adapted to living in skyscrapers and cathedrals and all that. The bird is Least Concerned as far as Conservation status goes. Complete 황소, 불 just to make them look like they care about animals, while really they should be concentrating on different species like the Island Fox, cougar, sea turtle, 또는 even foreign 동물 such as the Asian and African elephant, any kind of rhino, and certain exotic birds.
You can leave your letter under the water 분수 of the English Sector if you’d like. If you’re gonna bother replying.
And if 당신 do are 당신 going to sign the 다음 letter?
Simon
He ripped many sheets from his notebook, and restarted his letter many times until he deemed this one appropriate. He folded it up, wondered if he would be lucky enough to get an answer twice, checked his schedule to see when he’d be in the science sector, and then paid attention to the presentations.
The 벨 rung and everybody rushed out of class as if the seats would burst into flames if they sat for a 초 after the bell. Marco shot right 의해 him like a cannonball, and he threw Simon to the ground with the force of one too. He got back to his feet after a few girls sidestepped him.
He asked Mr Pemberton for a piece of tape on his way out since he had science next. Careful not to screw up 의해 folding the tape onto itself, he navigated his way through the hallway, careful not to push 또는 step on toes. People got twice as mad when their toes got stepped on and they looked up to see his freckled face.
Then he heard heavy laughing and turned around to see Christian, walking through the hallway with his friends, a Herculean arm draped around tiny Fey.
He started pushing then.
He got a drink of water, ignoring the gum floating at the bottom of the 분수 and glued his letter underneath. It felt sloppy somehow. Not to have an envelope with a name written on it like she’d done for his letter.
Oh well,[i] Simon thought. [i]If that was just a joke and she’s not gonna answer, a stupid envelope would’ve made it 더 많이 funny.
But looking over his shoulder; Simon had a strange sense of hope.
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Simon climbed upstairs after class, quite proud of himself. He had had a good day. A really, really good day.
He’d volunteered to take an absent tenth grader’s shift at the school store during lunch so he could eat over the counter as long as he was careful not to spill crumbs everywhere (which meant avoiding the cafeteria), and he hadn’t had French 또는 Math today- the two classes which he had to share with Christian.
And of course the letter had started it. Like one big snowball picking up from the 상단, 맨 위로 of Mount Everest and landing big as a small planet at the bottom- it’d started the series of fortunate events of the day.
He was going to sprawl on his 침대 and listen to an audiobook about extinct species, untangling the earphones of his iPod as he walked up the stairs. He pushed the door open with his hip, shook off his backpack and he froze and saw it on the bed. A coil of rope that his dad had used to make stands out of wood while camping.
Oh right. He’d given himself until tonight to figure it out. He’d completely forgotten about it- forgotten about it in the best of ways.
Smiling to himself, he picked it up and threw it in his closet.
¬ Simon entered through a different door that morning at school. It’d be a longer walk to get to his locker, but it gave him the chance to go through the English sector. He reached under the water 분수 and grinned when his hand found a piece of paper. He detached it, eagerly at first but once he nearly ripped it clean in half, he calmed his hands.
He nearly ran to his locker, stuffed the 책 he’d need for the first two periods out of his backpack, and then went to sit down in Math class. There was nobody there but Mr Martin, who had a pile of essays in front of him, but was texting under his desk- as always. According to Brenda Church the text messages –which she’d read above his shoulder once- were part of a hot affair.
He sat down and opened it up.
Dear Simon,
This’ll sound stupid to 당신 since your grades match up with Newton and Edison’s childhood marks, but my best subject is gym class. I’m not the brains of the operation, 당신 might say. Just isn’t what I’m made for. Numbers and letters can all go to heck. I just like being out in the field and moving and doing something that counted in the moment.
You memorised the names of Latin 동물 when 당신 were a kid? God- that’s impressive, Simon! What’s the Latin name of a butterfly? I’ve always loved butterflies. There was a story when I was a kid that my mom used to tell me, back when me and my parents lived in the country and our neighbour had a big, big field full of bugs that he let me play in because he thought I was cute. She said that white 나비 were the souls of dead people, when they couldn’t live in their bodies anymore. I told her that white was boring, and I wanted my 나비 to be purple. People were 더 많이 colourful than just white wings to me. People should have tie-died 또는 무지개, 레인 보우 또는 glittery 나비 in my mind. She smiled and laughed and told me that the 나비 were white because of purity and innocence. Because once we were dead we couldn’t do any 더 많이 damage.
She died later on that year, in the hospital. I was at 집 with my aunt because it was summer –one of those warm summer days that are sticky on the skin- and I cried and cried and cried, and then I went out in the neighbour’s field. I sat down in the middle of it and waited until I saw a white 나비 flutter up and fly away, completely ignoring the little flies, the grasshoppers and any other bug. It was going up, so I figured it was going to heaven, and I figured it was my mom. That’s when I went back inside and gave my aunt a hug and grieved like a proper person- black clothes, burial, et cetera, et cetera. That sounds dumb, just one of my stupid logics from when I was a kid.
Science sector water 분수 again?
I also hope this fixes your 셔츠 problem.
Simon’s eyes flared. Right under the text there was a twenty dollar bill stuck on with a paperclip. His jaw dropped. She was giving him twenty dollars? A bill- a green bill! Gosh, she must really want to help him…
No I won’t sign.
And the letter ended there.
Simon closed his mouth, hoping his jaw muscles would hold. He immediately folded up the letter, hiding the money and stuffing it in his back pocket. Christian was in that class- it would suck for him to steal twenty dollars out of his pocket.
For the rest of the morning he looked over the people in the hallways and wondered who the girl might be. What colour were her eyes? What about her hair? How did she dress? Jeans and t-shirts, 또는 was she classier than that? What was her name? Rachel? Jen? There were about four Jens in the tenth grade. Maria? Katherine? There were five of those, one Katarina and one Catherine who was over from a French school to learn English.
Hope, he decided. Things were named for what they looked like sometimes- leopard 도마뱀 붙이, 게코, 게 코 for the stripes, white 상어 for the colour, 젤리 물고기 for the looks of the top… If she had to be named for what she was, her name would be Hope.
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At lunch, he sat down at the library’s computer and ignored the grumbling of his stomach. He took out his English notes and opened a Wikipedia page on Shakespeare to look unsuspicious. looked up a few things to get the facts straight in his head and then put his English notebook on his keyboard and rummaged through his pencil case for a mechanical pencil that still had enough led to hold in it.
Hey[i]
Simon nearly screwed up at the first word. He nearly wrote ‘Hope’ 다음 to ‘hey’. He erased the start of the ‘H’ with the stub eraser at the end of his pencil and replaced it with a comma.
[i]I do not take money from people who don’t owe it to me, keep it. I’ll fend for myself.
Anyways, gym class isn’t stupid. It means you’ll be healthy for the rest of your life. Better that than fat and greasy mathematicians with bachelor degrees in everything who could die of a 심장 attack at any time. Besides, whatever makes 당신 happy works.
I bet you are smart, 당신 just need someone to explain stuff to 당신 better. Ever consider tutoring 또는 just staying at lunch to ask your teacher 질문 when the twenty other idiots in your class aren’t around?
I’m sorry about your mother. That’s really sad. 당신 were seven? 당신 were so young. What happened to her?
I don’t think it’s stupid- what 당신 said about butterflies. I don’t think it’s stupid at all.
[/i] Papilio is the Latin word, from which ‘papillon’, which is the French word for ‘butterfly’. But if you’re looking for a white butterfly, one kind is the Dixeia family, found mostly in Africa. So that wasn’t the 나비 당신 saw. 당신 might have seen[/i[ Pieris marginalis(a native white), 또는 a Pieris rapae (cabage white butterfly).
Did 당신 know that in Chinese culture, two 나비 flying together were considered a symbol of love? And that in the Philippines, if a black 나비 lingered around your house it was thought that someone was going to die? In Devonshire, people used to rush around and kill the first 나비 they saw in the year, 또는 else they thought it was bad luck. When a 나비 lands on you, it’s thought to be good luck. And like your mother said, the Greeks thought that 나비 represented the souls of the dead, which is why their word, psyche literally means ‘soul’. Japanese people thought that 나비 were souls, except not just of dead people.
Science Sec. water fountain: yes. Tomorrow I’m leaving your letter under the water 분수 near the gym, okay? :P
Simon
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A 일 had gone by, and he hadn’t found Hope’s letter under the water fountain. This didn’t bother him, maybe she’d been late bouncing out of 침대 and hadn’t had time to stick it under the water fountain. He’d check again.
The thought helped Simon not swear under his breath as he pushed through the cafeteria doors. He sat down on the first 표, 테이블 near the door, on the other side of which the garbage cans were lined. That was the only reason that the 표, 테이블 was free, because the garbage cans smelled really, really bad. They were cleaned 의해 kids in detention, and those make-do janitors weren’t the careful type. A swoosh of water with a squirt of even worst smelling wash that was purely chemically made 레몬 smell; that was it.
The school store was being handled 의해 a bunch of seventh graders who hadn’t brought back their permission slip for some activity to promote provincial artists, and the 도서관, 라이브러리 was already full since today was the 일 that all the Spanish teachers were picking up short stories- which half of the population seemed to have forgotten to do. It was raining, so on 상단, 맨 위로 of that, everyone had flooded the cafeteria. Including him.
He sat down and pulled a bagged lunch from his backpack. He slipped a 샌드위치 out of his Ziploc bag and took a bite. He was shaking a bottle of 주황색, 오렌지 주스 before opening it while the thought that today might work out after all came to mind.
That’s when Christian made his way up the stairs to Simon’s table.
The sides of the cafeteria were at the same level as the rest of the school, but the center caved in a bit. So when Christian walked up barking his name, Simon felt like he was on a stage. A 곰 with a ring through his snout asked to dance in front of people who would toss coins in an upturned hat. Matthew, Robin and Ricky were following him. Simon froze and put the 주스 bottle down.
“Hey ginger, where’s my shirt? It’s been two days now, 당신 owe me one with interest.” Christian said.
“I- don’t… Have any…” Simon 로스트 his words somewhere in the throat area as he prepared to say them. Christian grabbed Simon 의해 the 칼라 and swung him off his chair and backed up to a garbage can, as if Simon was just another football for the quarterback to work at.
“What did 당신 say?” Christian said.
“I don’t have any money.” Simon said really quickly. “I’m sorry; I’d get 당신 a new 셔츠 but…”
Christian cracked his knuckles. “My girlfriend isn’t here, 당신 know.”
Simon swallowed.
“And my little doodle should’ve been decent warning, don’t 당신 think boys?”
Matthew, Ricky and Robin nodded. Ricky sniggered like a total idiot, but Simon was too afraid to point that out.
“So what do 당신 think, Milton?” Christian said. “Hun?”
Simon looked to the right, at all the people in the cafeteria. Some of them kept eating as if nothing was happening- and maybe they honestly didn’t notice him. But some, just judging 의해 the place 또는 the way they were sitting, had to be noticing Simon. They had to notice that Christian had him 의해 the collar, that Simon was powerless… And they didn’t do anything.
Not even Hope.
“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Christian said. The bully shoved him, and he fell back against the garbage cans, knocking several over and causing their contents to spill out, mostly on Simon. He had a 바나나 peel on his head (or at least he hoped it was a 바나나 peel) and 쌀 draped in an 주황색, 오렌지 sauce was leaking all over his arm. The three goons snickered and Christian smiled to himself.
“One 더 많이 day, punk. I’m giving 당신 one 더 많이 day. 또는 else garbage cans will be the least of your worries.”
Simon looked down at the ground and knew that he was shaking like a leaf. Once Christian and his 프렌즈 had stomped off, he righted himself and turned back towards his table, still shaking and feeling like he’d be sick. He picked up his bag, leaving his lunchbox, leaving the big pouch on the bag unzipped, the garbage cans flipped over, Simon didn’t care.
He pushed the heavy school doors and staggered to the men’s room; he leaned against the counter and took deep breaths, not looking up at the mirror. He felt like throwing up, his chest tight and heavy, he felt hot and trapped like a caged animal.
It had been raining since late last night, thunder, lightning- the whole kit. All the tenth graders were eating in the cafeteria today, and that had to include Hope because there wasn’t any kind of sport practise 또는 team meeting today, and the woman who watched over the detention room had vertigo 또는 something like that so they were all cancelled. She might be sending him letters, but she didn’t care 더 많이 than that. Not enough to 옮기기 an inch when he was on the ground, getting kicked, covered in 바나나 peels and left over curry.
He wasn’t that important. He wasn’t worth anything like those few letters had made him think, what kind of idiot had he been to think so?
He felt like doing it. Right there and then, in that school bathroom he felt like hanging himself 또는 cutting his wrists or-or something. And he’d just let them find his body and wonder why he’d done it, and then figure it out, point at Christian and go ‘oh, he’s why’.
He took a deep breath. No. He couldn’t do that. 또는 at least not here.
He waited it out in the bathroom, ignoring the fact that he was hungry. Nobody came, so he sat down with his head pressed against the sink and waited it out until the 벨 rung.
On his way out, he saw something on the door. A white envelope.
No way, he though.
Part of him was so mad; he wanted to flush the damn thing as if to say take that Hope. Take that.
But another part of him… Another part of him wanted a big hug and a 초콜릿 chip cookie and for someone to say ‘it’s okay, 당신 know. All of it. It’s not that bad, 당신 can make it.’
So he took it off the door and tore the top, swallowing tears and a lump in his throat.
I heard what Christian did to 당신 in the cafeteria. I wasn’t there; I was getting help from Mr Sorenson about math- like 당신 said in your last letter. It helped a lot. I also saw the garbage cans fallen down and all. I cleaned it up for you. I’m so sorry 당신 got that all over you, here’s a pack of wipes.
There was indeed a pack of wipes which the letter was wrapped around.
I use them for make –up but 당신 need them 더 많이 right now. Are 당신 okay?
Do 당신 know about Spix Macaws? I bet you’ve at least heard the name since 당신 know so much about endangered animals. They’re a kind of 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 with amazingly pretty blue feathers found in Brazil. They’re nearly instinct now, because of poachers and the fact that the Africanised bee was introduced into their homes. They’re presumed extinct in the wild since 2000, but there are still 85 of them in captivity. Right? Did I raid Wikipedia right? Either way, that’s sad, because they’re beautiful birds and humans shouldn’t have to scramble to fix their messes when it’s so nearly too late.
Please don’t be a mess we have to scramble to fix, Simon. Please don’t.
Simon started crying. He wouldn’t pretend to be macho, because macho was Christian’s goal in life and he didn’t want to share that.
He took out the wipes and pressed them to his cheeks, to soak up the tears. They kept coming. It was one of the first times that someone his age had asked him if he was okay in a long, long time.
How could he kill himself? People did care. The world wasn’t summed up as him against the world. It was him against Christian. There was still hope.
And there was Hope too.
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It was about two weeks after the 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 letter. Simon had stolen a white 셔츠 from the 로스트 and Found bin and it seemed to satisfy Christian, who had moved on to other things to tease Simon with.
Simon had been exchanging letters with Hope since. Sometimes he got 더 많이 than one per day, depending on when he got them and what classes he had to write a reply in. Fey’s always came in an envelope, and Simon always gave her a nature fact. He tried to make them about butterflies. He’d even admitted to the name he’d given her, but he hadn’t told her why. She’d answered with a smiley face and a ‘that’s not my name, but I like it’. He kept the letters in an empty shoebox near his bed. Except for the 잉꼬, 잉 꼬 letter. That one was folded up in his pocket at all times.
And he’d just made a big move. Upon her advice, he’d stayed after school at a group counselling meeting with the guidance counsellor for the people with last names A to M. There was a girl with a brother and a dad in the army, a brother and sister pair whose parents had divorced recently after a scandalous affair, one whose sister had been diagnosed with cancer, and a girl who got teased because of her looks and had just come out of a hospital program for anorexia.
He hadn’t said a word and the guidance counsellor, Miss Nicholas, hadn’t pushed him.
He’d forgotten his gym clothes in his locker and knew that his mother was expecting him to do laundry that night, so he walked up to his locker to go get it. He was locking up when he heard the door open and then someone call out his name. He looked back and saw Christian.
His blood froze but Simon didn’t move. Christian spotted him and smiled like a 악어 who’d just spotted his prey might.
“Hello Simon,” he said. “What’ve 당신 got, there?”
Simon didn’t say anything. Christian had an arm around Fey and he was holding her close to his body, her head pressed on his chest. Ricky and Matthew were with them, and only Ricky and Matthew, since Robin had –to Simon’s delight- been suspended recently due to bullying a younger student. Simon was pretty sure they were all behind it, but Robin had taken the consequence.
Christian snatched the plastic bag, releasing Fey from his grip, and dangled it over Simon’s head.
“What’ve we got here?” He asked. He took Simon’s clothes out and tossed them to Ricky and Matthew. “A little weenie 셔츠 about some marathon for prostate cancer- oh that’s why 당신 were amputated there, I see.”
Ricky and Matthew nearly died of laughter and Simon looked away, internally preparing himself to muster the courage to say ‘give me back my gym clothes’.
“Oh- and lame little shorts. Hmm, no extra panties?”
That’s when Fey moved. She snatched the bag from Christian, and the clothes from the goons. She stuffed them back in.
“Christian- leave Simon alone!” Fey said. Simon blinked in shock. The only times he’d been talked about in front of her, he’d been called Ginger and he’d never had a class with Fey. He hadn’t thought she’d known his name.
“Baby, come on,” Christian said with a grin, raising his arms as if to hug her. “We’re just having-”
“Fun?” Fey said, pushing his arms away. “That’s not fun and games, Chris, that’s not fun and games. Leave him alone, stop being a jerk.”
“Baby- whoa- calm down,” he said, hands up as if his girlfriend had a gun. “If that’s what 당신 want…”
“That’s only part of what I want,” Fey said. She took a deep breath. “The other thing; I want 당신 to go away, 삭제 my number and address off your phone, and never talk to me again.”
Christian’s jaw dropped.
“Baby-”
“I’m not your Baby,” Fey said with her teeth locked. “Go away now 또는 I will call the Principal- call the cops- 또는 something.”
Christian seemed flabbergasted and then he turned to Simon. His face went back to being mean.
“You-”
“Don’t 당신 dare touch Simon!” Fey said.
Christian looked like a 황소, 불 that’d just seen a red McDonald’s sign, but he left after flipping Simon the finger.
Once the doors of the hallway had slammed shut and they were alone. Fey handed him the bag, and Simon stuffed his gym bag in his backpack, looking up at Fey. She looked at him.
“You’re Hope,” Simon finally said, standing up, swinging his backpack on his back.
“Are 당신 being metaphorical, 또는 literal?” She asked.
“Literal. That’s your name- well, the name I gave you. Hope.” Simon said. “You… Why did 당신 do that? Why did 당신 break up with him he’s- what every girl…”
“Wants,” Fey said nodding. “It’s what every girl wants. But what every girl needs is someone who’ll look up 나비 on Wikipedia, answer letters, be a gentleman and not take their twenties, and be strong in the head.”
And with that she stood on her tiptoes and delicately, gently put her lips to his, and the fingers cupping his cheeks were as gentle of a touch as a butterfly’s wings.
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Simon walked with his head up high, compacted in the flow of students exiting the school like any other guy. He was walking 다음 to Alan and Ollie and Jessa.
The last two months had been the best of his life. Fey had introduced him to her friends- her real friends, the ones she used to eat lunch and spend Friday nights with before Christian came along and annexed her whole life to his. They were nice people; Alan, Ollie, Jessa... She taught him how to pitch decently and whistle, and he tutored her. They spent time together doing a million things Simon –for a long, cold while- hadn’t thought he’d ever do with someone. 또는 at least not do it hand in hand.
His phone buzzed in his pocket; still on vibrate since he’d been in class. He said his goodbyes to his 프렌즈 and walked away from the bustle of students and stood aside. He checked called ID and grinned when he saw Fey’s name.
“Hey Fey, what’s up?”
She took a while to respond and when she did her words seemed confused, grabbed at. “Simon, c-come here,” she asked. Her voice sounded fragile, like she was shards of glass getting walked on and broken again.
“Come? Why, where are you? Are 당신 crying? Fey- what’s wrong, are 당신 hurt, who the hell..?”
“I’m at… I’m at… The hospital. The Children’s hospital- oncology department. 당신 know, oncology for…”
“Cancer.” Simon finished. “Cancer…”
Horrible things have two ways of showing. They can be so unexpected they block in your mind and leave 당신 floating there, like a piece of 우주 junk. Your thoughts can go slowly, crawl up and take over your mind like a 거미 또는 some horrible arachnid and then sting 당신 and take 당신 over, reeling 당신 under in a scary and furious flood.
Or they can zoom right to your mind and be like narcotic venom- it takes 당신 over and eats 당신 and 당신 know right away that the most horrible, terrible thing just happened and 당신 react as fast as a cheetah, 또는 a 매, 팔 콘 in dive, even if that won’t help.
He ran towards the nearest bus stop, pushing people out of the way and running like a demon and promising to Fey on the phone that he’d be there as soon as he possibly, possibly could.
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The last months had been hard. He’d been coming to see Fey whenever he could, he’d watch her lose her hair bits at a time, and be too weak to smile but try anyways. She’d do it anyways. They’d talk about life outside the chemical smelling infrastructure, he’d ask her how she was doing, they’d go to the game room, and she’d insist he help her keep up with school for when she came back. For the remains of tenth grade and the start of eleventh grade; he read to her so she knew about the plays they were studying, and he’d show her science experiments via footage from Alan’s iPod. But that was on good days. On bad days, Simon would hold her hand and let the hum of machinery rock her to sleep along with gentle words and comforting squeezes.
Today he was running late because his whole family had gathered in his grandmother’s nursing 집 for the Fall Equinox celebrations. It was odd, he’d gotten texts and calls 의해 the truckload. Sadly he couldn’t answer because he was wheeling grandmother through the activities and lunch line.
He rushed through the hallways, checking his watch even if he already knew that he had twenty 분 until visiting hours were over.
The nurse that Fey had taken to, talking baseball with, asking for, allowing to reel her into the invasive practises and exams 더 많이 easily, caught Simon on his way in.
“Simon, you’ve got to know… Her breathing is awfully slow.” She said.
“Her breathing?” He frowned.
“And her pulse. Her heartbeat.”
“Her..?”
“Simon, I’m sorry, but what I’m trying to say is that we’ll be surprised if she makes it through the night. Her other 프렌즈 have already said goodbye.” The nurse said with a gentle and pained smile.
He gathered himself in the men’s room, his thought process twisted and painful. He called his mom telling her not to pick him up until he called and hung up before she called for explanation. He checked his phone. The texts and calls were from Alan, Ollie and Jessa, Fey’s dad even. Get to the hospital; Fey needs you; Simon, get here; Simon Fey’s not doing great; 저기요 Simon, it’s around six, and 당신 need to get to the hospital now, Fey’s not eating; Dang it Simon why won’t 당신 pick up?
The gentler messages were Jessa’s, then there were Mr Delaney, Ollie skirted around the subject and was frantic, and Ollie was impatient and sharp.
He leaned over the sink. He couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t.
But he had to. Like he had on the first 일 of the illness.
He just stood there for a few minutes. Then he went to go see Fey.
She lied in bed, wearing his thick grey hoody from the Royal Tyrell Museum in Alberta. Her father sat at a respectable distance, watching her. He’d already said goodbye, Simon could tell. His eyes were haunted. Was he remembering how he’d watched his wife die exactly like this? With the exact same illness hacking at her body and sapping all the life away, a part of their soul when they couldn’t 옮기기 and run like Fey and her mother had both had to? Cancer taking half of the butterfly’s wings?
She smiled when she saw him.
“Hi Fey, how’s it going?” Simon asked, sitting down 다음 to her.
“Really bad,” she said. “Simon, I’m…”
“I know,” he said, taking her hands.
“That’s not what I meant, I know 당신 know. I mean that I’m not leaving 당신 tonight.”
She was pale. She was skin on bone. She hadn’t eaten real 음식 for days. She relied on the IV for fluid. Her breath was wheezy. How much longer could a girl like Fey live like that? How much longer could anybody live like that?
“Shh, Fey.” He said. “You do what you’ve got to do. Okay? 당신 were already my light. 당신 were hope to me. I can’t ask 당신 to be 더 많이 than that, Fey, I 사랑 당신 too much.”
Tears welled up in her eyes and she let out a moan between starting to cry and pain.
“Simon?” She asked. The LCD slowed painfully. And slowed. And slowed. The ‘beep’ sounds scared Simon. Each ‘beep’ meant she was with him still, but they were getting so scarce…
“Yeah Fey?” He asked. “Yeah Hope?”
“Will 당신 look for my butterfly?” She asked. “When I die?”
Simon felt himself tear up. He felt like telling her that no, there wouldn’t be a butterfly. But it’d feel like an insult to give her fake hope after everything she’d done for him.
“Yeah Fey. I’ll look for 당신 butterfly. And I’ll watch it go up to heaven.” He said. “It’s going to be beautiful- just like 당신 are. And its wings are going to be purple.”
That made her smile a bit. Her old favourite colour made her smile while she died. “What kinds of 나비 are purple?” She asked.
He started naming her 나비 and he was still naming 나비 when she died.
Simon only knew five types of purple butterflies.
Even with the tightness inside his chest, even with the pain and sadness building up inside him and the tears building up in his eyes, the sound of a crying man who’d just had his world taken apart for the 초 time…
He ran out of the room, dodging people in wheelchairs 또는 parents walking their kids around as they dragged IV units, and stopped in the parking lot of the hospital, looking for a 나비 in the nearby fields. He was hopeful; that was something Fey had given him that cancer couldn’t take away; that no illness was strong enough to take away.
He let his tight chest relax after running, but it didn’t feel any 더 많이 relaxed. He felt his eyes blur up. Hope 또는 not, there went Fey. She’d changed him forever, and there she went. What a 나비 effect- one letter, one boy who didn’t hang himself, one boyfriend, one griever. What a 나비 effect. If somebody deserved a 나비 that wasn’t plain white, it was Fey.
He saw fireflies, lights in the dark.
And then he saw a 나비 fly up from the grass.
