Chapter 7 

I went upstairs and sat in the same spot. I loved surfing and I almost loved watching people surf more. I watched Jake go back out and surf till everyone got 집 from school. When everyone came 집 from school they stopped and greeted me. 
저기요 Loryn! Is Jake treating 당신 like a princess? Paige asked. 
I just smiled and said yes. 
Paige said that she could tell that he liked me but I hadn't given any signs away that I knew that could even give a hint to me liking Jake. 
Well good! 당신 deserve it! She said. 
Paige! Let's go, your late for training. Gary yelled 
Oops! See ya! Paige said as she left my room. 
I could believe that I had managed to get myself hurt in the first couple of week here. The waves were perfect, well to me that is but any wave is good for me. At 집 the waves were always mush. They hardly ever had any good form to them. 

I wondered what was going through Jakes mind. I knew something was bothering him but I think he hates me now. I saw Jake starting to walk towards the house. This was my chance to talk to him, nobody was in the house. Bec and Gary were both out there helping train and give helpful tips on their surfing. I had too! I listened closely for clues that he was in the house. I heard the door open and then slam shut. Yep that was him for sure. I heard the refrigerator open and then slam shut. Defiantly Jake. I heard footsteps up the stairs. 
Jake! I said as he quickly passed 의해 my door without looking in. 
Jake, I need help. I said. 
He came into my room with an angry look on his face. 
What do 당신 want? He mumbled. 
Could 당신 help me set this suitcase on the 침대 please? I asked. 
He pick the suitcase up and let drop on lumber. 
Thank you. I said. 
Whatever. He said. 
Alright! I said a little too loudly. 
What is your problem? I said. 
He slowly turned around and looked surprised. 
What? 당신 think I didn't notice 당신 being rude? I said. 
Jake walked over to me. 
Look, 당신 don't know how it feels to go and rescue someone 당신 like and then pull them out of the water to see that their eyes are open and they aren't breathing. He said yelling at me. 
I dont know that feeling if saving a life. I wasn't that lucky to bring him back. I said with tears rolling down my face.   
Jake just turned around walked towards the door. 
Jake, thank 당신 for bringing me back to lifeand not giving up on. I whispered. 
He turned back and nodded his head like he had heard what I had said. 
That night I went to sleep but not as soon as I layer down unfortunately. It was really dark outside and it was storming. Like really bad. Wind, rain, thunder and lightening but I was use to it. I sat 의해 my window and looked out at the lighting striking far off in the ocean. It was beautiful. I had so many things held up inside of me that I started crying. 
I really did care about Jake and I hoped that he  had really heard my apology. I could stop thinking about the man I couldn't save. I remember that 일 like it had just happened. 
 It was a beautiful morning on the beach. I had an opportunity to go and stay at the 바닷가, 비치 for a whole summer to be a lifeguard. It was the most perfect job for me. Senior lifeguard Nathan and I were on duty one afternoon. I had noticed a man struggling in a rip current. I quickly jumped off of the Four wheeler and grabbed the rescue board. I paddled and paddled to get out to the man. I could see him just going up and down. I got to him and pulled him onto the rescue board. He was unconscious. I paddled quickly back to 육지, 쇼 어 and Nathan helped me bring the guy up to dry sand. While I started CPR, Nathan ran and called in the radio to call an 구급차 and to bring a defib. Nathan came back and tried to tell me to rotate and I was running in adrenaline. 
I've got this, Nathan. I can do this. I said quickly looking up. 
Finally the defib. got to us and we shocked him. Every time the machine said continue CPR, I started back immediately. We ended up shocking the man two 더 많이 times before the EMT's called time. Sadly, I had to help them, cover the man and then help them get him up to the ambulance. It was the worst thing I had ever done in my life. I went to locker room and washed all of the sand off of me and then I had to go back to work. 
I worked for a couple of hours and then Nathan told me to go home. He was kind of the head boss. 
Loryn, if 당신 need to go home; then it's okay. Nathan said. 
I'm fine, sir. I told him. Clearly telling a lie. 
I can tell your not okay. Nathan said. 
I'm fine. I tried to reassure him. 
Well, at least go take a break for a little bit and cool off. He said. 
With that I was off to the main tower.    
I was pulled from my thought when I heard a knock on my door. 
It was Jake. I was majorly surprised. 
Are 당신 okay? He asked. 
Yeah. I said looking back out the window. 
Why are 당신 crying? He said walking closer to me. 
Memories and other stuff. I said. 
Good memories? He asked. 
No terrible ones. I told him. 
Oh, I'm sorry about earlier. Jake said. 
It's okay. Sorry for being worried earlier. I just know what a board to the head can do. I told him. 
It's okay and me too. Jake told me. 
Well good night then. He said. 
Goodnight.  I said. 
 I started thinking about the rest of the 일 I had, when I didn't save that guy. Then I started dreaming. I could always tell somehow that I was about to have a dream, it was strange but what was really weird was that I could actually feel emotions in my dreams.  
[i] As I was walking up towards the tower, I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They just kept flowing down my face. 
 All I could picture in my mind was that guys face. When I got to him, his eyes were open and that was the first thing I saw. It was scary. I knew this job was going to have things like this happened but I didn't expect it to happen so fast.  
I didn't go straight upstairs to the main part of towers. I didn't want anyone to see me cry but I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I went into the locker room and went and sat in a corner. I sat with my knees to my chest, arms wrapped around my legs and then I laid my face on my knees. I cried for what seemed like hours. I still had my wallis take which was attached to my fanny pack that had some first aid items in there. I could hear the wallis talkie speaking but I wasn't really paying attention until I heard my name mentioned over the feed. 
Has anyone seen Loryn? I heard Reidy say. 
No, I haven't seen her since I told her to go to the tower. Nathan said.
Haven't seen her since the accident. Cody said. 
Okay, look around everyone. She is probably having a hard time taking the death. Nathan said. 
After I heard everything, I just turned my radio to the lowest volume I could still hear it at. U didn't want to be found. Nathan was right, I was having a hard time taking the death. I knew I should have let Nathan take over once I had gotten him back to shore. It was all my fault that he was dead. No matter what anyone thought it was my fault. [\i] 
I was brought back to real life 의해 a big clap of thunder. I was looking around the room and noticed that my clock said 1:45am. I had to get in bed. I was going to he exhausted tomorrow from today's activities and from crying. I laid down and quickly fell asleep but then I only started dreaming. 
I was dreaming that I was surfing and I had pearled again. It was my surfing accident all over again except this time I was watching it happened. I could tell that Jake was really upset when he pulled me from the water after the EMt's came and got me it switch scenes. It went from me being dead to the dreaded dream I've had over and over, the dream where I had to watched myself let the guy die over, again. It killed me to watch to the dream but I couldnt ever get myself awake. After the people came and got the guy that I killed 또는 didn't save, I had to continue working. It was hard keeping all of the tears and anger from escaping but I had a job to do. I tried putting it all behind me but It was right there in the back of my mind during every rescue. Every person I rescued that day, I made sure that they were okay and I asked them several times. 
Loryn, why dint 당신 take the rest of the 일 off and come back for a debrief after all the shifts end. Nathan said. 
Alright. I said. 
I started walking to the main tower but then I decided to go to the locker room. I couldn't hold the tears back as I was walking towards the locker room. When I ducked into the locker rooms I went and sat in the corner and hugged my knees. That was the first time I had to deal with someone that wasn't alive.[\i] 
Loryn. I could hear someone calling my name. 
Yeah. I answered. 
We have an 시간 before school starts. Lila td me. 
Okay thanks. I don't know if I'm gonna go my ankle and shoulder is really hurting me. I told her. 
Okay, I'll tell Bec for you. She said. 
Thanks. I responded. 
I rolled back over and stared at the wall. I didnt want to fall back asleep and have that dream over again. 
I don't remember a 일 that I haven't cried about that guy I didn't save. Everyone kept saying that it wasn't my fault but I just felt responsible for his death. Lifeguards are suppose to be able to resuscitate someone and yet I failed to do that so I am responsible for that guys death. 
After I was suppose to go home, I just sat in the locker room. I could hear my name being called over the radio but I didn't care about anything. I was just thinking and talking to myself. 
I remembered that my neck was feeling cramped from looking down for awhile so I leaned it against the 벽 and just looked straight ahead. 
Loryn, 당신 in here? Matt was calling 
Matt was another lifeguard here on the beach. He was only two years older than me. 
Guys, I found Loryn. She looms okay but hold on. Matt said into his walkie talkie. 
Alright. Over. Someone said through the talkie. 
I didn't look at Matt. I just continued to stare straight at the wall. 
Loryn? Are 당신 okay. He asked. 
I'm fine. I said trying to find my voice. 
I wiped the tears out from underneath my eyes and tried to stand up. I grabbed onto the 벽 for support. I was dizzy. 
No 당신 aren't buddy. Matt said. 
I'm fine. I told him. 
Loryn, it's okay. I know what your going through but don't beat yourself up over it. He told me. 
I was really getting light headed and my breathing was starting to get shallow. 
Okay Loryn, let's get 당신 upstairs. He said. 
I was carried upstairs and Matt made me sit and lie down on the little 침대 in the tower. 
I didn't listen to him though when he told me lay down. I didn't like laying down on the 표, 테이블 because they were treating me like I was sick and i wasn't. Nathan came in and starting taking my temperature, oxygen levels and other stuff. 
Loryn, how long have 당신 been in the locker room? Nathan asked. 
Since 당신 told me to go inside. I told him. 
So 4hours 당신 have been sitting in the locker room floor? He asked. 
I guess so. I said. 
All of the guys were now in the lifeguard tower for the debriefing session that was suppose to be going on but I was holding it up. Nathan, Matt and Cody were all taking car of me. Cody put oxygen on me, Nathan was trying to figure out what I had been doing and Cody was telling me to drink water. 
Yes i had been feeling dizzy and a little nauseous but I was find now. I was in air conditioning. 
Finally the debriefing started. There were of course 더 많이 guys than Nathan , Cody and Matt in the tower but I didn't know the other guys too well and they didn't seem to like me very much. 
My thoughts were interrupted 의해 someone knocking on the door. 
Yes. I said. 
We are leaving for school. Jake said. 
I'm not going. I told him. 
Oh okay. He said. 
With those words he left my room. 
I finally ended up rolling out of my 침대 around 10:30 and going downstairs. I was quite hungry from not really eating anything yesterday so I went and grabbed me some poptarts and Sweet tea! While my poptarts were warming in the 빵 굽는 사람, 토스터 I went and got my iPod plus earbuds, my journal and then my sunglasses. I went to eat on the patio since it was so beautiful outside. 
I saw someone surfing and they were really good. I couldn't tell who it was 또는 if it was anyone I knew. All I could tell was that it was boy. 
I started 글쓰기 in my journal what I had dreamed last night. My journal isn't really for talking about boys 또는 normal girl stuff 당신 would worts in one but it was for my dreams that would reoccur. I wrote them down so I could keep track of how many times I have dreamed certain dreams and then to see if there were any little differences to them. It took a pretty long time to write my dreams out but when I looked up I had noticed that the guy surfing was walking towards the house.

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