Michael (Townley) De Santa Club
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posted by Canada24
#1:
Debbie: RPG's aren't that bad.
(Jon throws "BASICALLY A FACT IN BROAD TERMS" onto screen)
Debbie's Teacher: Spells, poison, battles, maiming, killing?
Debbie: Yeah, but it's all imagination
Debbie's Teacher: IS IT?!
Jon: Is it, Debbie? Well I suggest 당신 read a totally real book that has absolutely no poisoning, maiming 또는 killing and it called the Holy Bible an- (pauses, staring blankly as he raises up the Bible) (whispery).. Oh no... that book-that book done got that.

#2:
Jon: We're here to watch, Howling ll, your sisters a werewolf.
Sister: JON! How could 당신 say that about me?!
Jon: Whatever, you're going through puberty, it's normal!

#3:
Penny: Drugs can get 당신 in big trouble. 당신 can go to principal's office, 또는 go to jail.
Jon: There's a pretty big jump between those two.
Penny: 당신 can't watch TV 또는 eat pizza.
Jon: I'm out. No pizza? Can't watch TV, can't eat pizza? Go to jail? Can't eat pizza? Won't do 'em.
Penny: Recess is good. Hamsters are good.
Jon: Hamsters are goo...? Hamsters are good? How are..? Penny, you're getting off track.

#4:
Woman: I didn't go around calling myself a farter.
Jon: Well that's probably a good thing, I don't know if 당신 wanna go around doing that, calling yourself that.
Woman: In my head, I was a social farter.
Jon: (Puzzled look)
Woman: I only farted occasionally.
Jon: I'm getting uncomfortable, I don't really like this, can we turn this one off?
Woman: And my boyfriend called me out on it.
Jon: And good on him. He's taking it right where it matters.
Woman: I even woke up in the morning craving a fart.
Jon (sarcastically): Nice one guys, sick metaphor. 당신 slipped it right in. I can't believe how smart 당신 were for 글쓰기 that.

#5:
Nitro: ARE 당신 READY TO RPG?!
Jon (taking out an RPG-7): Oh, motherfucker, I was born ready!
Nitro: Then let's get ready to RPG!!!
Party: RPG! RPG! RPG!
Jon: Well if 당신 say so!
(Fires a rocket at Marcie and Debbie)
(Cue a shout of "ALLAHU AKBAR!!!" followed 의해 a building exploding)

#6:
JonTron: Let's celebrate. Yeah! Ugly people never win! That's the moral of the story, guys!

#7:
JonTron: Oh geez. Oh darn it. They got fat.

#8:
Jon: Oh, now that's cool I'm jumpin', I'm jivin'... (Vanilla Ice finally appears) Annnnnd, It's gone! It's gone, It's absolutely gone, it's ruined, unsalvageable...

#9:
When Ice's character sees a pretty girl on a horse, he, for whatever reason decides to jump his motorbike over the fence to greet her, scaring the horse enough to knock her off. Understandably enraged that he nearly killed her, she punches him which Ice respondes 의해 saying ''"what's your problem!?"
Jon: Yeah what's your problem!? 당신 연기 like I just jumped a fence on a motorcycle making 당신 fall off your horse, and nearly break your spine! What are you, some kinda, (draws rectangle with hands) some kinda square?!

#10:
Jon: Agh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood from my blood bag is spilling on my computer AAAAAGHHH! If only there was some way to fix this!
(A hand comes out of nowhere and sloppily slaps flex tape onto the hole)
Jon: Of course! The solution was Flex Tape!

#11:
Jon: FLEX TAPE! Okay, 당신 heard about this stuff! I mean, this is basically— have 당신 heard of JESUS?! WELL EVEN HE COULDN'T DO AS MUCH AS FLEX TAPE, APPARENTLY!!

#12:
Phil: (grunting with each stab) That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's a LOTTA DAA MIDGE
Phil: That's a lotta damage!
Jon: That's not that much damage, really, Phil. That's not—it could be worse...

#13:
Jon: Dude, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon: No, you're number one.
Sergio: No, you're number one.
Jon (now 더 많이 angry): Dude, 당신 are number one!
Sergio: No, 당신 are number one!
Jon: MOTHERFUCKER, 당신 ARE NUMBER ONE!!!
Sergio: [visibly Corpsing] NO, MOTHERFUCKER, 당신 ARE NUMBER ONE!!
Jon: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!

#14:
Jon: But anyways, this 보드카 is very special. Mainly because Dan Aykroyd is uh, 100% butt-fuck insane.

#15:
Jon: (ringing a loud bell) Four 분 and fifty six seconds! That's four 분 and fifty-six 초 this man took to say the word 보드카 in this commercial about VODKA!

#16:
Gwyneth: This is the shiiiit!
Jon: Don't curse, Gwyneth-(a train horn goes off in the distance) SHUT THE FUCK UP! Don't curse, Gwyneth.

#17:
In video, guy starts fanboying at seeing Elijah Wood on the plane
Jon: Aw dude, (camera zooms into guy 다음 to Elijah) That's a sweet hat!

#18:
Nito (gets disturbingly close to the girls)
Debbie: We're...
Macie: Just leaving:
Jon: Oh hi, Just Leaving, I'm *blows whistle* RAPE!!!

#19:
Ben: That's a fake. That's not my sister.
Jenny: Ben I know those people.
Jon: PROOF!!!

#20:
Vanilla Ice: So what's it like?
Girl: What's what like?
Ice: 당신 know, having.. Parents.. Brothers.. All that, stuff.. Y'know?
Jon (dressed as alien): I am simply asking a normal human 질문 out of curiosity not to mine data HUMAAAAANNNNNN!!!

#21:
Jon (singing): BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! BLOOOOOOOOOD DICE! D&D WILL! GIVE YOU! AAAAAAAIDS! THEN YOU'LL GO TO HELL WITH ALL THE CATHOLICS AND JEWS AND PLAY MAGIC THE GATHERING WITH SATAAAAAAAAAN!!!
(later)
Jon (singing): PLAAAYIN' GAMES WITH AN EVIL WITCH WOMAN "WHO'S DEFINITELY COLLEGE AGE", WAIT, WHY DID THAT GUY JUST BLOW SMOKE OUT OF HIS FACE?! THAT'S WEIRD... When 당신 die in the game, 당신 die in real life, except ya don't, 당신 go back to your dorm and play some GTA V!!

#22:
Dad character: My real name, is Hacket.. James Anthony Hackett, Jimmy.
Jon: Jimbo, Jim-Jar, sometimes down at the pub they'd call me Dan, but my name isn't "Dan". I was once visited 의해 an alien species. They referred to me as [cue incomprehensible distortion]. I've never been able to unhear 또는 unsee that.

#23:
Jon: We get it, Rareware! 당신 used to be cool! Can-can 당신 get on with it? STOP!.. STOP IT!.. STOP TAUNTING ME!

#24:
"STOP!!"

#25:
Jon: Cars?.. Cars!?.. CAAAAARS!?
Jon: (scream singing) AND IIIIIIIII!!
Jon: (normal) 호랑 가시 나무, 홀리 SHIT!!
Jon: (scream singing) WILL ALWAYS 사랑 YOOOOOUU!!
Jon: (normal) CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME!? GODDAMMIT!, HOW CAN 당신 DO THIS TO ME!?!?

#26:
Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window)

#27:
Jon: ...the fuck am I looking at right now? Am I looking at 당신 dreaming about being at the 바닷가, 비치 while you're at the FUCKIN' BEACH?!

#28:
Jon: And let me tell ya, that's not the only talking cat I got in this house. And no, 의해 the way, I am not referring to Talking Tom.
(Cut to a picture of Talking Tom and Angela, all with screaming in the background.)

#29:
Phil: Vroom, vroom! Beep '! Beep beep!
Chris: Why do 당신 always do that, dad?
Jon: Yeah, dad, every 일 with this shit, I'm sittin' here, readin' my book, 당신 waltz in the door make a car noise at me, I'm supposed to like it? (Begins putting on a large bib) Well fuck 당신 dad, honestly, if it was a choo-choo train noise, maybe I would laugh, but a car noise? What do I look like to you, some sorta big baby?! (Puts a pacifier in his mouth and starts shaking a rattle)

#30:
Bickering ensues among Tina and Trent (the brother and sister in the film).
Jon (Deadpan): What a big happy family we got here.
Susan: Just help me find my shoes, okay? 또는 I won't feed 당신 this week.
Jon: (With additional reverb) What a big happy family we got here.

#31:
After wandering around for the entire movie, Duffy finally makes a contribution to the plot...by immediately getting run over 의해 a car.
Jon: (long moment of horrified silence) ...Well that cat ain't talking no more, I'll tell ya that much.

#32:
In response to Luther, "like a normal person", handing out flyers to everyone in his office that he isn't doing Christmas, Jon wonders who would actually care. Cut to two employees (one played 의해 Jon) getting said flyers.
Employee 1 (Jon): I’m letting 당신 know I‘ll be, skipping Christmas… (shakes with tranquil fury, crumbles paper)
Employee 2: (calmly, to himself) Go ahead... Run... But we will find you.

#33:
After Luther (rather rudely) explains why he isn't buying a 크리스마스 tree,
Jon: Yeah fuck 당신 for trying to celebrate the spirit of 크리스마스 while making my life 안전한, 안전 warm and convenient!! (slams down 크리스마스 tree)
Jon (while pissing on the tree) How's this for a Merry Christmas, 당신 bunch a' young innocent children trying to foster a loving community spirit?!

#34:
Luther sees cruise ad, smiles to himself.
Jon (spits) Fuck christmas! I’ll rather drink my own urine than celebrate christmas! (to viewer) Thanks for watching my 크리스마스 special everyone, be 안전한, 안전 (spits)

#35:
Jon: Okay. One.
Jacques: What even.
Jon: I counted 당신 in—
Jacques: Go to fucking hell.

#36:
Judge: 당신 weren't happy being the youngest. 당신 didn't accuss the way things were, role the clip.
Matt in clip: Reality, who needs it, I hate reality.
17 LIFE SENTENCES
5 LETHAL INJECTIONS
10 DECADES OF FAMILIAL SHAMING
Jon: The moral of this story is "Never think, 또는 else the secret police might catch 당신 and kill 당신 no matter what!”

#37:
Matt: Endorse? Endorse what?!
Jon (as Matt): I thought sports were played outdorse.

#38:
Jon: (cheerfully) Oh, Larry. 당신 jus- a- st- you're a fucking asshole.

#39:
Game: This takes place Steptember.
Jon: What a relief, it’s not even the scary month.
Game corrects it to October.
Jon (horrified) OH, DAT'S THE ONE!!!

#40:
Girl in game: From now on, what kind of place will we be living in?
Guy in game: That’s the fifth time you['ve] asked!
Jon: Yeah, well, maybe it'd be the last time if 당신 just fucking told me!

#41;
Jon: It's 크리스마스 time. A time to spend with friends, family, and of course little baby 예수님 over here! How 당신 enjoying your birthday, buddy? enjoy it while 당신 can, I mean they do some "fucked up" shit to you! Like, they fuck 당신 up, dude.

#42:
"What else could ever happen to us, today?”
Jon: Lady, 당신 just got turned into a horse! I'm 'onna say sky's the limit!

#43:
"HOW 당신 LIVIN' CHICKEN BOY?"
Jon (dressed as a chicken): Well first of all, that insult could've used some work. 초 of all, the pain and humiliation I feel daily are immense. For someone like 당신 to cut someone like me deeper...Well, 당신 must have problems yourself buddy, so I feel bad for you. (whips out a nunchuck and begins swinging it around awkwardly) AND HOW FUCKING DARE 당신 SAY THAT TO ME I'M GONNA MAKE 당신 FOR-REGRET THOSE GODDAMN WORDS!!

#44:
Snow White: This is my song. I am 노래 it now.
Jon: Aw, sick lyrics, dude! Sick song! (Jon pulls a lighter out of his pocket and starts waving it back and forth)

#45:
Jon in Elsa's dress.
THIS WAS A MISTAAAAAKE!!!

#46:
L.O.G.: In line with Banjo tradition, your challenge will consist of collecting as many pointless objects as possible.
(Record Needle Scratch)
Jon: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 당신 JUST HOLD ON A SECOND!
(cut to a fat Banjo running and picking up coins at a horrendously slow pace)
Jon: HAHAHAHA GET IT? BECAUSE BANJO-KAZOOIE WAS TOTALLY "THIS" TEDIOUS! (cut to black) (Jon's voice far away) HOLY SHIT!!!

#47:
Jon; That's not how that works yo- [distorted voice] 당신 fuckers. 당신 motherfu- I will rain hellfire upon you.

#48:
Jimmy ends up folding and taking the chance to leave during the town hall, five days in. After he left, that's when Karsh decides to bring out the 20 thousand dollar gold 별, 스타 that was the prize for the hardest worker.
Jon: What the hell!? Okay, ''now'' he brings it up? Like the second, the literal 초 Jimmy leaves he's like "alright, now that that loser's gone, who wants to win twenty thousand dollars!?" Jimmy was robbed. I'm just gonna say it, Jimmy was robbed here.

#49:
An airport attendant asks a man to put his pens in a tray before being allowed to pass through.The man responds 의해 saying, "Sure," before stylishly taking out a switchblade and violently stabbing and slashing the attendant.
Jon: Dude, 당신 could've just put the pens in the tray, let's be real..

#50:
Jon: Real-life situations were off the fucking charts! Can I say fuck? Can I say fuck on this website? Can I say (long censor beep) cunt (short censor beep) breath?
added by Canada24
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added by Rain_on_me
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I'll do the rest of "Dash's Story" (yes that's the story title) in this one... The chapters aren't normally this long.. I been doing several chapters put together anyway ... And I have so much 더 많이 story to put .... Not done with Liberty Cty just yet though ...




SEVERAL DAYS LATER:

Packie: Niko, I don't know if you've heard it but my brother, Derrick's dead.

"No shit." Niko said. Not ALL of the sadness being faked. He feels a lot of regret. He liked Derrick. But Francis didn't give him a choice.

Packie: Yeah. I just hope he was smacked out of his brain when it happened because it wouldn't have suited...
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ONE WEEK LATER:

Niko: A Mafia controlled waste management plant?

Packie: 당신 fuckin' guessed it. It's an Ancelotti operation. 레이 tipped us off about a big payoff they just got. A fat cash payoff.

Michael: Ancelottis, eh? I can't tell none of those mob families apart. Ancelottis, Gambinos, Pecorinos.

Packie: It's the fucking "Pegorinos", man. We're workin' for them... "Pecorino's" a type a cheese... "Pegorino's" is a bunch of guido gangsters outta Alderney.

Niko: They're all Mafia though?

Packie: Course they are. Cosa Nostra and all that shit. Our family used to be bigger than all them Mafia families...
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added by Rain_on_me
Cause poop solves everything
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if 당신 were to fit this song for one of your stories characters who will it be? 🎸🎸🎸
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As 당신 can tell I spent a lot of time on these when I orginally made them.. So have fun ...




PACKIE MCCREARY:

Packie is one of my longest running characters 다음 to Dash. And one of the most developed ones. Even being the reason I started 글쓰기 GTA fanfiction to begin with.

Back in GTA 4, he spared a drunk Dash when she attempted to rob him at a gas station. And she ended up workng for him. The two quickly become close friends, basically siblings. And after hs real sister, Kate, was murdered. Despite his and Kate's rocky relationship, Packie deeply misses her. And he and Dash don't like talking...
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SEVERAL DAYS LATER:

"So where we going?" Niko asked.

"I got this meeting over on Joliet Street. There's a 소총 up on the roof of the place 다음 door. 당신 need to go up there and make sure nothing goes wrong" Packie said, as he and Niko were meeting for the first time.

"I suppose I can handle that" Niko insisted.

"Great.. Though this isn't MY deal.. It's someone else's.. Someone who owes Elizabeta a little bit of money... I'm suppose to br watching over the person, same way your watching 'me'.. Your my guardian angel, boy" Packie said.

"If 당신 and this stranger don't trust these guys you're doing...
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2008:

Dashlene "Dash" Lucia (age 21) and Sally (23) are living together in Los Santos. Dash grew up to be a cynical alcholic, and Sally is often considered the nicer of the two. Though Dash is still good underneath. Dash is almost always seen wearing a black t-shirt that says 메탈리카 on it. And blue jeans. She has very unique redish purple eyes. Sally has green ones, both eyes can be considered pretty.

"... Liberty City? I hear that place is awful" Dash said to her sister, when she suggested where Dash to 옮기기 towards. Dash's backstory involves being nearly raped 의해 her dad, which caused her...
continue reading...
#1:

"Welcome back to Fame 또는 Shame.. I'm the host. Because "apparently" I have nothing else to do on a Saturday evening.. And now isn't that just a little sad" Lazlow said to the camera, cause this is live.

"Now. Up 다음 it's Tracy De Santa.. Audience.. Tracy De Santa." Lazlow said.

"(in overly REVEALING outfit) H. Hi" Tracy said nervously.

"Now Tracy's a "dancer" but she also enjoys singing, and long walks on the beach.. That's wonderful. Your so original. Like a rainbow. 또는 a basket of puppies. 또는 a.. Pile of puke."

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#2:

"Ohh.....
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added by Canada24
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added by Canada24
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added by Rain_on_me
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ROCK ISLAND HORRORS:

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#1:

"You have ten 초 to tell me who 당신 are, before I remotely detonate the C4 under the table, and that room your in explodes like a pop bottle!" Willis's voice told her, knowing that Carly was following him, and believed she might be a threat.

"JESUS!" Carly shouted in shock.

"I doubt it.. 5 seconds!" Willis's voice replied.

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#2:

"Tell me?.. Are 당신 a Patriot, Mrs Townley?"

"I.. I guess" Carly nervously replied.

"Excellent, we have that in common. There's a REASON I have the American...
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added by Rain_on_me
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Kim runs to a 4 wheeler. Willis chasing her. Kim pulls out her standard M1911 pistol shooting at Willis but only had 4 shots left but still managed to distract Willis as he jumped in cover. Kim threw her empty pistol at him and made her escape. Willis shooting for the wheels but she gets away. Willis also finds a 4 wheeler, continuing the chase.

Willis chases Kim to where she left a water plane. And she managed to stay far enough ahead and runs for the plane.

Near it she is nicely greeted 의해 Royal Army soldiers. Guess they now see her as an ally.

"Mrs Lancer, what's the ru-"

"I need that plane.....
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