January 4, 2014,

I have been a complete emotional wreck ever since I found out that Damien wants to fight me for custody of Carter. Part of me wants to believe that it's because he's a changed person and wants to be a father to Carter; but I know in my 심장 that that isn't the truth! Never in 1 million years did I think Damien would do something like this!

I had spent all morning in my bedroom and had not come downstairs in days! Kyle came upstairs and sat down 다음 to me on the bed. He asked "are 당신 okay? I've never seen 당신 cry so much before!" I said "I won't be okay until this whole Damien thing is over with! Carter's five years old and still thinks that you're his father! I was hoping it would stay that way for a long time! I don't want him to face the reality of who his father really is! Damien isn't the kind of father that Carter can be proud of! Damien is an alcoholic player who takes advantage of any girl that he sees and he is living in some chick's basement! I don't want Carter exposed to all of that; especially because he understands so much 더 많이 now than he did before!" Kyle said "I hate that we even have to deal with this right now! If Damien really wanted to spend time with Carter he should have started five years 이전 when he was born!" I said "this just sucks and that's all that there is to it!" Kyle said "I do know one thing though; 당신 need to get out of this room because you're depressing yourself even 더 많이 의해 being alone and crying! Carter's been asking me why 당신 haven't seen him in a few days! I told him that 당신 didn't feel good and that 당신 would come down eventually! I promise 당신 that if 당신 go downstairs 당신 will feel better!" I wiped tears off of my eyes and kissed Kyle. I said "I suppose I should go down there."

Kyle and I walked downstairs and into the living room. Carter turned around and jumped up from the spot where he was sitting on the floor as soon as he saw me. He ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. I knelt down in front of him and he looked at how red my eyes were from the nonstop crying I had been doing. He asked "are 당신 okay mommy? Were 당신 crying?" I said "no; I wasn't crying." He asked "how come 당신 weren't coming out of your room? How come daddy had to bring 음식 up to 당신 and make 당신 eat?" I said "I was just busy working on stuff for my job buddy. I needed to be up there because it's quiet and I can think better. Daddy brought the 음식 up to me because I didn't want to stop working at all; but I promise that I'm going to be down here during the 일 from now on." Carter said "you missed my first 일 of kindergarten! I was so sad; I thought 당신 were at least going to be there when daddy picked me up!" I said "I know buddy; I'm sorry! I promise I'll drop 당신 off all 의해 myself tomorrow." Carter got all excited and said "I can't wait for 당신 to meet my teacher and friends!" I said "I only missed one 일 of 당신 going to school and I promise I won't miss any more!" He gave me a 키스 and said "I'm so happy that 당신 finally came out of your bedroom mommy! I missed you!"

January 5, 2014,

Carter sat in the living room watching TV and eating a bowl of cereal as I tried to wake up 의해 drinking my usual 스타벅스 coffee that Kyle picked up for me like he does every morning. I put some hair gel in Carter's hair to spike his little fauxhawk and helped him tie his shoes. He ran over and gave Kyle a hug as he grabbed his SpongeBob backpack.

I drove him to school and helped him climb down the high step that is in my truck. Before I could stop him, Carter bolted inside the elementary school and I chased after him. He said "come on mommy; I want to show 당신 my classroom!" I said "you have to hang on because I have to sign 당신 in at the office so they know you're here." He grabbed my hand and we walked into the main office of the school. As we stood there waiting in line, I was not at all prepared for everything that was about to happen.

As we reached the counter I signed my signature on a paper that was attached to a clipboard and a mother standing 다음 to me asked "are 당신 Alanna Jackson?" I passed the clipboard back to the secretary and said "yeah." She immediately asked "will 당신 sign my daughters iPod? She's a huge 팬 of yours!" I took the pen that was sitting on 상단, 맨 위로 of the clipboard and signed the rubber iPod case with my signature. She said "thank 당신 so much AJ! My daughter is going to freak out when I give this to her when I picked her up later!" I said "no problem; I'm glad I could make her happy."

I grabbed Carter's hand again and we walked out into the hallway. He said as he pulled away "there's my classroom mommy!" I followed him inside the room that was covered with shapes all over the wall. He ran up to a woman who didn't look much older than I am and said "hi miss Lauren!" She bent down in front of him and said "hi Carter; I thought 당신 weren't coming to school today!" He said "no; I was! Mommy just was running late this morning!" She said "okay; go put your backpack in your cubby and I'm going to start 원, 동그라미 time in about 10 minutes."

I smiled as Carter ran up to a boy and sat down 다음 to him. The teacher finally made eye contact with me and said "oh my gosh; I didn't realize that 당신 are Carter's mother!" I said "yeah; I am. I thought my husband would've told 당신 that." She said "he told me that your name is Alanna; but I guess I didn't make the connection between your first name and Carter's last name! I really had no idea it was 당신 AJ!" I said "alright; Carter seems to be all set; so I'll pick him up here at the end of the day." She asked "if 당신 want to 당신 can stay and observe the class?" I said "oh no; I couldn't impose! I'll be back to pick him up at 3 o'clock."

As I walked out of the room, I noticed a sign on the door that said "parents not permitted to stay for 더 많이 than five 분 after class has begun." I wrinkled my eyebrows and walked out of the room.

I arrived back at Neverland 15 분 later and walked through the front door. I put my keys on the counter 상단, 맨 위로 and went into the living room. As I sat down on the couch, Kyle asked "how do 당신 like Carter's school babe?" I said "Carter seems to 사랑 it and it looks like he's already starting to make 프렌즈 with the other kids. Something weird happened with the teacher though." Kyle flipped through the TV channels and asked "what happened?" I said "as soon as the teacher figured out that I am a celebrity she started to act all weird! She even asked me if I wanted to stay for the 일 and watch her teach the class! When I was leaving the classroom I saw a sign on the door that said that the parents aren't allowed to stay in the classroom for 더 많이 than five 분 after the teacher starts teaching!" Kyle said "that is weird for her to offer to let 당신 do something that's against the rules." I said "I think she's giving me special treatment because I'm famous! What people don't understand is that I'm just a normal person like everyone else and I don't want Carter to be spoiled 의해 the teacher just because I'm a celebrity!" Kyle said "now I understand why your dad wanted to homeschool 당신 guys when he was alive because imagine how 당신 would've been treated just because he is Michael Jackson! I said "I wonder if I made the wrong decision 의해 letting Carter go to a normal school! Maybe I should just start homeschooling him instead." Kyle said "you can't take him out of school now! He loves it there!" I said "I guess you're right; I just hope all the teachers treat him just like a normal kid because that's what he is! He doesn't need 더 많이 attention than the other kids get from the teacher just because I'm Alanna Jackson!"

January 9, 2014,

I was in the studio working on my new album 의해 myself without Frank there because he was busy for the 일 and I was able to get a lot of work done without him critiquing everything that I sang. I stopped after about four hours of nonstop recording to have the 샌드위치 that I had picked up earlier this morning.

As I sat down to start eating I noticed a rundown car pulled up in front of the recording studio. As soon as the person got out of the car I recognized who it was. Damien walked up to the door and knocked on it a few times. I was debating whether 또는 not to answer it; but eventually I reluctantly opened the door. He asked "what's up AJ?" I asked "who the hell told 당신 that I was at the recording studio?" He said "I called your manager and he told me because he recognized my name when I told him who I was." I said "I really don't have anything to say to you!" He said "I decided to come here a few weeks early; so I wouldn't have to worry about missing the court date. I can't wait to see Carter! How is the little guy?" I said with irritation in my voice "he's not so little anymore!" Damien asked "isn't he like three years old now?" I rolled my eyes and said sarcastically "isn't that just great? 당신 don't even know how old your son is!" He asked "how old is he?" I said "five!" He said "I can't wait until I get visitation with him. I miss him!"

I said "quit 연기 like 당신 care! I know 당신 don't care about him and 당신 are just trying to squeeze as much money from me as 당신 can! Don't think for a 초 that I'm going to take it easy on 당신 when we're in the courthouse before that judge! I'm going to expose 당신 for everything that 당신 really are!" He said "good luck with that AJ! The judge always feels bad when a son doesn't have a father in his life!" I said arrogantly "Carter does have a father in his life and he is a whole hell of a lot better father than 당신 would ever be!" He said "I don't really like the fact that 당신 have your boyfriend around our son without my permission!" I said "he's not my boyfriend; he is my husband and how do 당신 expect me to ask your permission if you're never around? You're such a jerk and I can already tell that 당신 haven't grown up at all since the last time I saw you!" He said "okay; I'm going to leave because I want to save all the good fighting for when I kick your 나귀, 엉덩이 in court!" I said "we'll see about that when the 일 comes!"

Immediately after Damien left the recording studio, I got in my truck and drove back to the ranch. I went inside and upstairs to the bedroom. I sat down on the 침대 다음 to Kyle and he asked "how did work go today?" I raised my eyebrows and said with a smirk on my face "you'll never guess who I saw today!" He asked "who?" I said "Damien!" He said "Damien; what is he doing here in California so soon? The court 날짜 isn't for three 더 많이 weeks!" I said "I know; he said that he was coming out here ahead of time to make sure that he didn't miss the court date!" Kyle laughed and asked "how hard is it for Damien to make sure he’s here in time for court?" I said "I imagine it will be pretty damn hard for him because I can guarantee 당신 he is going to get hammered drunk the night before the court 날짜 and have a hangover when and if he decides to show up!" Kyle said" he seems like a real jerk!" I said as I laughed "he was 연기 all cocky and started complaining about how I should have asked him for his permission before I let 당신 around Carter!"

Kyle and I both looked at each other and burst out laughing. Kyle said "that's the most ridiculous load of crap I have ever heard in my life! The guy who drinks all 일 long and has a different girlfriend every two weeks is going to complain about me being around his son!" I said "trust me babe; I was thinking the same thing! I should probably warn 당신 ahead of time that Damien is probably going to make fun of your British accent just to get a reaction out of you! He doesn't have a lot to go on to plead his case to the judge; so he'll take whatever he can get that's going to make him look better than us!" Kyle said "don't worry AJ; he doesn't scare me!"

February 19, 2014,

Kyle and I pulled up in front of the Santa Barbara County Courthouse dressed in business 슈츠 and I took a deep breath. Kyle put his hand on my shoulder and said "everything is going to be fine babe!" We got out of the truck and walked up to my lawyer Kenny. I held Kyle's hand as we walked inside and saw Damien sitting on a bench outside the courtroom wearing a casual T-shirt and baggy jeans with his underwear showing. I shook my head in disbelief and Kyle was thinking the exact same thing as me.

Damien's court appointed lawyer talked with Kenny for about 10 분 before we were allowed to enter the courtroom. Kyle sat down 다음 to me at the 표, 테이블 opposite of Damien's 표, 테이블 and our lawyer opened his briefcase. My hands started sweating vigorously as I held onto Kyle's hand and he whispered "everything's going to be okay babe." Kyle's eyes met with Damien's as they saw each other for the first time. Damien snarled his upper lip at Kyle and Kyle just looked away as he shook his head in disbelief.

A male judge sat down behind the podium and hit his gavel on it. The bailiff read aloud "judge Marion Jones presiding over the case of Damien Adam Hayes versus Alanna Michael Jackson in a custody hearing for the child hereby stated as Carter Shawn Jackson. 당신 may proceed." Judge Marion said "okay; I would like to begin with an opening statement and/or 질문 의해 Mr. Hayes's lawyer for any parties involved. Damien's lawyer said "thank 당신 Your Honor."

He walked over to our 표, 테이블 and asked "have 당신 been supportive in creating a healthy father-son relationship between Carter and Damien?" I looked at my lawyer to make sure it was okay to answer and said "all I can do is try and I tried for a long time!" He asked "what sort of things did 당신 try in terms of supporting that relationship between the two of them?" I said "the one time he did show up I tried to get him involved in caring for our son." The lawyer asked "and how did that experience go? Please try to answer without criticizing Damien's character." I looked at my lawyer confused and he said "your honor that 질문 is impossible to answer due to the fact that the child's father was never interested in bonding with his son in any way." Damien's lawyer asked "okay then; what is your current relationship like with Damien at this very moment?" I said" I've only seen him a total of three times since Carter has been born." He said "I understand that 당신 and Damien had several sexual encounters after the time of the child's birth; is this true?" I sarcastically smiled as I shook my head in disbelief and said "that is a complete and utter lie!" Damien's lawyer asked "so what you're telling me is that 당신 and Damien never had relations after the child's conception?" I quickly glanced over at Damien and said "we did once; the 일 after Carter's first birthday." The judge said "these 질문 are completely irrelevant to the matter of custody; 옮기기 on Sir!"

Damien's lawyer asked "is it true that 당신 yourself have a past filled with underage drinking?" I reluctantly said "yes sir." He asked "when was the last time 당신 consumed any alcohol?" I had to think about it for a 분 because it was so long 이전 and said "if I'm remembering correctly the summer of 2008." He asked "have 당신 had any altercations with the police since the child has been alive?" I said "I don't know what 당신 consider an altercation with the police; but I do get the occasional speeding ticket." He asked "have 당신 been charged with these speeding tickets while Carter is in the vehicle?" I said "I would never go over the speed with Carter in the car Sir!" He asked "is it true that 당신 have since gotten married?" I said "yes sir." Damien's lawyer looked over at Kyle and asked "do 당신 feel that 당신 and Alanna have created a healthy environment for her son to be growing up in?" Kyle said "yes sir." He asked "do 당신 feel like 당신 and Alanna model a healthy relationship between the two of 당신 in front of Carter?" Kyle said "very healthy Sir!" Damien's lawyer said "that's all the 질문 I have for them Your Honor; 당신 may continue."

My lawyer began to interrogate Damien starting with asking "is it true that 당신 abandoned Alanna and your unborn child without even giving any notice?" Damien responded "yeah; but I had my reasons for doing that!" My lawyer asked "what would be your reasoning for that? How do 당신 justify leaving a 14-year-old girl who just found out she was pregnant to fend for herself?" Damien said arrogantly "she wasn't completely on her own! She had Michael there for help and my mother would visit from time to time!" The lawyer asked "is it true that 당신 had problems with underage drinking as well?" Damien said "I have in the past; but I attend Alcoholics Anonymous on a weekly basis currently."

I looked over at Kyle and whispered "oh that is such 황소, 불 crap!" Kyle whispered back "let him say whatever he wants to say because in the end he is only making it harder on himself!" My lawyer asked "how come 당신 have not paid a single penny for any of Carter's necessities since he has been alive?" Damien responded "AJ makes millions of dollars; so I didn't think it really mattered!" The lawyer responded "just because she makes millions of dollars doesn't mean that 당신 shouldn't be held accountable for your responsibilities to your son!" Damien said "yeah well; I don't agree with the fact that AJ's boyfriend 또는 husband 또는 whatever the hell he is to her is allowed to be around Carter without my consent!"

I raised my hand and the judge allowed me to see what I was going to say. I said "I apologize your honor; but Damien doesn't deserve the right to have his opinion heard! I'm not trying to glorify Kyle because he is imperfect just like everyone else on this earth; but he does everything that Damien should be 또는 should have been doing this entire time! He watches him all 일 long for me while I'm at work! He picks Carter up and drops him off at school most days because I am unable to due to my work schedule! Kyle pretty much single-handedly taught Carter how to use the toilet; including waking up at night with him! Damien; if 당신 want to criticize someone's parenting go ahead and pick on me instead of Kyle because he's willing to do everything and anything for Carter and I wish I could say the same thing for you; but I can't!"

The judge said "here's what I'm going to do, we're going to do a trial weekend with Carter and Damien together! In order for that to happen, Damien needs to be held accountable for paying some sort of child support! If after the weekend is over and Damien still has not paid any sort of child support then he will be forced to serve four months in jail and all his parental rights will be terminated; am I understood Mr. Hayes?" Damien shook his head in agreement and Judge Marion said "courts adjourned!"

As we were walking out of the courthouse and over to the truck, we noticed that Damien's car was parked right 다음 to us. I opened up the truck door as Damien walked to his car and said "I'm one step closer to 50-50 custody AJ; which means you'll have to pay me child support just like I'll have to pay you!" Kyle said under his breath "just shut up!" Damien said as he puffed out his chest trying to act tough "what did 당신 say 당신 British butt kisser?" I looked at Kyle as I gently pushed him into the truck and said "don't listen to him babe! He's just doing that to get a reaction out of you!"

I hurried to start the truck and I stuck my middle finger out the window at Damien as we drove off. As we started our half-hour journey back to Neverland where Prince was babysitting Carter for us I started to tear up. Kyle asked "why do 당신 look like you're about to cry babe?" I said "I just realized that Damien's going to have Carter all 의해 himself for an entire weekend! In a way; Damien is getting what he wanted this entire time!" Kyle said "I highly doubt that after this first visit with Carter that we'll have to worry about Damien anymore!" I said as I grabbed Kyle’s hand "it made me so mad when Damien wanted to complain about 당신 being around Carter! I couldn't hold my tongue any longer! I just had to say something! If it wasn't for you; I wouldn't have millions and millions of dollars for Damien to try to squeeze out of me! Don't get me wrong; I 사랑 Carter to death! I just don’t understand why I had to lose my virginity to such an immature deadbeat dad! Sometimes I just wish that I would've gotten pregnant with your baby and have Carter be yours because I know 당신 wouldn't leave me! I mean; any guy who wants to deal with all this drama every 일 for the rest of his life all for a kid that isn't even his must have some real balls!" Kyle chuckled and said "it's so worth it because every 일 I get to hear Carter say 'daddy; I 사랑 you! Daddy; am I your good boy! Daddy; will 당신 fix my toy for me? Daddy; I want to be just like 당신 when I grow up and be the best daddy in the whole wide world!" I started crying even harder and asked "Carter really says all that stuff to you?" Kyle said "oh yeah; when he was a little over three he used to follow me around wearing his fake tool 벨트 and tried to copy what I was fixing!" I grabbed Kyle's hand and said "I know that Damien's going to screw up this one weekend taking care of Carter on his own; so I can't wait until he is out of our lives for good!" Kyle laughed and I asked "what's so funny?" Kyle said "I kind of wish that Damien didn't wait until Carter was five to do this whole weekend alone taking care of him because it would've been funny to send him with Carter when he was a baby! We would've had some really funny stuff to laugh at imagining Damien waking up every 15 분 like 당신 had to! Damien's going to have a pretty easy weekend with Carter because all he has to do is sit him in front of the TV that entire time!"

February 22, 2014,

Kyle whispered in my ear as I stared at Carter watching TV "Damien's going to be here in a half 시간 to pick up Carter for the weekend! 당신 still haven't told Carter that I'm not his father and that his real father is going to be picking him up any minute! 당신 have to tell him AJ!" I said "I know I do Kyle; but this is going to be hard for me! That's why I waited so long!"

I walked into the living room and said "Carter; I need to talk to 당신 about something buddy!" He asked "what's wrong mommy?" I said "you know that daddy loves 당신 very much; but he's not your real daddy." Carter asked "what do 당신 mean he is not my real daddy?" I couldn't even respond to him as I stared blankly into his eyes. Kyle said "mommy had another boyfriend before she met me and he's your daddy Carter." I said "he's coming to pick 당신 up in a few 분 and you're going to spend the weekend with him." Carter said as a car pulled up in front of the gate "you're going with me; aren't 당신 mommy?" I said "I'm not Carter."

Kyle opened the door as Carter jumped into my arms and grabbed onto me with a death grip. I hugged him and carried him outside to the driveway with Kyle walking behind me. I slowly walked up to Damien who was sitting in his car with a police officer standing 다음 to him outside the car. Carter cried hysterically into my shoulder and Damien got out of the car. I said as I continuously patted Carter's back "did 당신 really need to have the police officer here Damien?" Damien said as he mocked to me "I wanted to make sure that 당신 went through with giving him to me because this is court ordered and if 당신 didn't let me take him from 당신 it would be against the law!"

I said "okay Carter; Damien's going to take 당신 for the weekend now." Carter protested at the 상단, 맨 위로 of his lungs "NO; MOMMY I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!!!” I said as I started to tear up while desperately trying to hold it together so Carter wasn't scared 더 많이 than he already was "I have to!!!" The police officer said "you need to hurry up Mrs. Jackson because I have places that I need to be!"

As I tried passing Carter from my arms to Damien's, Kyle reluctantly had to pry Carter's fingers from around my neck and Damien buckled him into the car seat. Carter screamed "PLEASE SAVE ME DADDY!!!" Damien looked Carter in his eyes and said sternly "stop calling him that! He's not your daddy; I am!" I could see the look of pure terror in Carter's eyes as he immediately said "I'm sorry." Kyle said as he leaned into the car window "I swear to God if anything happens to him; your 나귀, 엉덩이 is mine!!!" Damien just rolled up to his window and followed behind the police officer in the cop car.

I immediately fell to my knees and started crying hysterically. Kyle grabbed onto me and started crying into my shoulder. I said in between sobs "I can't do this every weekend! There's just no way!!! Carter wanted me to go with him and I can't believe that he is going to be alone with Damien without any supervision for an entire weekend! CARTER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW DAMIEN!!!" I tried desperately to stand up; but my nerves wouldn't let me. Kyle literally had to carry me inside because if he didn't I would've been out there crying all night long on the driveway!

Kyle sat down on the 침상, 소파 as I sat on his lap and cried into my hands. Kyle said with tears in his eyes "he wanted me to rescue him and I have to admit that if the police officer wasn't standing right there I would have!" Kyle moved the back of my 셔츠 down and said "there are marks on your back from Carter digging his fingernails into your skin!!!" I said "that doesn't surprise me! He was holding on to me for dear life!!!" Kyle said as he wiped the tears that were streaming down his face "this is going to be the longest weekend ever babe!!!" I said "I want Carter to come back now!" Kyle said "I do too!"

February 24, 2014,

I said out loud "Damien better hurry up and get here because I've been waiting all weekend to see my son!" Kyle held my hand as Damien pulled up in front of the house. I ran up to the car and without saying a word to Damien, I took Carter out of the car. Damien looked at Carter and smiled before getting a serious expression on his face. He stared at Carter and sternly said "don't forget what I said!" With that, Damien sped off down the road and I ran towards Kyle with the biggest smile on my face. Kyle said as we walked inside the house "mommy and me missed 당신 so much Carter!" I kissed Carter's cheek and asked "did 당신 have fun?" Carter looked at me as his body physically shook in my arms. I asked with a confused look on my face "what's wrong Carter?"

Before I could get an answer from him, I felt something warm running down my leg and wrinkled my eyebrows. Kyle said "ummm look babe!!!" I looked down at the ground to see that I was standing in a yellow puddle. Carter immediately burst out crying and said "I'M SO SORRY MOMMY!!!" I said sympathetically "it's alright Carter! I'm not mad at you! We'll just change your clothes because 당신 need to take a bath anyway!!!"

The three of us went up to Kyle and I’s bedroom. Kyle started the water in the bathtub in our bedroom's bathroom and I quickly took off my baggy jeans. I changed into a pair of pajama pants. Kyle said "okay Carter; you're all set! Mommy and I will come back in a few 분 to wash your hair."

As Kyle walked into the bedroom I watched as Carter walked into the bathroom shaking with his pants completely soaked and shut the door. Kyle sat down 다음 to me on the edge of the 침대 and said "that was surprising!" I said "yeah; I know! Carter hasn't peed in his pants since he was three!!!" Even if he did have an accident; he would've never gone all over me!" Kyle said "I wonder why he keeps shaking so badly!"

I opened the bathroom door and walked inside with Kyle behind me. Carter continued to shake as I knelt down in front of the tub to wash his hair. The 초 I touched Carter's head he flinched and I asked "what's wrong sweetheart? Why are 당신 shaking like that Carter?" He said something that completely confused me "you can hit me if 당신 want to mommy! I shouldn't have had an accident!" I said "no; I'm not going to hit you! Where would 당신 come up with such a crazy idea like that from Carter? I've never ever hit 당신 before and I never ever would hit you; ever!!!!!!!!" I heard Kyle whisper "that son of a bitch; I'm going to fucking kick his ass!!!"

I looked at Kyle with a puzzled expression on my face and asked "what the heck are 당신 talking about and why haven't 당신 blinked your eyes in the last five minutes? What are 당신 staring at Kyle?" Kyle had rage in his eyes like 당신 wouldn't believe as he pointed at Carter's back. I leaned backwards and couldn't believe my eyes as I saw an almost a perfect outline of a hand print in red on Carter's back!!! I asked severely concerned "Carter; did Damien hit you?" Carter uncontrollably shook and stuttered as he said "I – I – I'm not supposed to say anything!!!" I said "I'm going to kill Damien!!!"

After Carter got dressed he said "I think Damien still has my bag of clothes with him in his car mommy!" I said calmly as I pulled the covers back on his 침대 "that's okay; we'll get them!" He climbed into 침대 and I covered him up before lying down 다음 to him. Kyle came in and knelt down on the side of the bed. I asked "Carter; why did Damien hit you?" Carter said "I told 당신 that I can't say anything!" I asked "why not?" He responded "because Damien said if I ever told anyone that he would kill both 당신 and daddy when you're sleeping!!!!!" I said "he won't kill us Carter; I promise!!!" Kyle said as he held onto Kyle's hand "I won't let that happen Carter; but 당신 need to tell us why Damien hit you!" Carter said "he was 연기 really weird because he was drinking this drink and he tripped over me because I was playing with my race cars on the floor! He was yelling bad words at me and then hit me because I wasn't moving out of the way fast enough!"

My 심장 broke into 1 million pieces as I tried to imagine how terrified Carter must've been! I shook my head in disgust and kissed the 상단, 맨 위로 of Carter's head. I asked "can I ask 당신 something Carter?" He said "yeah mommy." I asked "did 당신 wet your pants because 당신 thought daddy and I would hit you?" Carter said "mostly that's why; but Damien didn't let me go to the bathroom before we left the hotel to come back here and 의해 the time we got into the house I couldn't hold it anymore! I really am sorry mommy!" I said "you don't have to be sorry Carter! It wasn't your fault! When 당신 have to go 당신 have too! Kyle said as he stroked Carter's fingers "yeah; it's no big deal buddy! I actually thought it was pretty funny that 당신 peed all over mommy!" Carter started cracking up and Kyle said "we want 당신 to know that neither mommy nor I would ever hurt 당신 like Damien did!" I said "I promise 당신 that we will NEVER hit 당신 Carter; no matter what 당신 do!!!"

We could hear the noise of the doorbell ringing from downstairs and I turned the volume up on Carter's TV to muffle any noise just in case it was Damien downstairs! I shut Carter's bedroom door as Kyle bolted down the steps after looking out the window. I chased after him after seeing that Damien was the one ringing the doorbell.

I ran past Kyle and swung open the door. Damien was about to pass me Carter's backpack full of clothes when I pulled him inside and pushed him to the ground. Damien asked arrogantly "what the fuck is your problem?" I said "don't act like 당신 don't know!" Damien whispered "oh; that little snitch! He wasn't supposed to say anything!" I said "HE'S FREAKING FIVE YEARS OLD DAMIEN!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" He said "what's wrong with me? What about what's wrong with 당신 AJ? You're the one overreacting and being a 암캐, 암 캐 for no reason!" Kyle shouted at the 상단, 맨 위로 of his lungs "WHAT THE HELL DID 당신 JUST CALL HER?" Damien said arrogantly as he smiled "you heard me right! AJ is just some 암캐, 암 캐 that I screwed around with once and that's all she'll ever be to me!" I said as I threw my hands up in the air "oh my God Damien! I'm the mother of your son and all 당신 can call me is a bitch!" Kyle said "CALL HER THAT AGAIN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!" Damien asked "why? What are 당신 going to do about it?"

I gave Kyle a look of carelessness as I said "go right ahead babe; I'm not going to stop you!" Before Damien even had time to react, Kyle decked him in the side of his face so hard that when he fell his head went right through the drywall. I laughed harder than I had ever laughed before as Damien looked up at Kyle as if he was a scared 강아지 dog! Kyle asked as he looked down at Damien "would 당신 like some 더 많이 because there's plenty 더 많이 where that came from?" Damien rapidly shook his head in disapproval and Kyle said "I'm giving 당신 until the count of three to get the hell out of this house before I change my mind; one, two –!"

I fell to the ground in hysterical laughter as Damien stumbled out of the house and down the 거리 holding his head. Kyle shut the door and said "I don't think we'll have to worry about him for a long time babe!" Kyle helped me off the ground and I said while still trying to catch my breath "you freaking scared the crap out of him Kyle! That was the most hilarious thing I have ever seen in my life! The look on his face was priceless! I wish I had my camera with me!" Kyle said "he obviously doesn't have any respect for women if he talks to them like that! I wasn't about to let him stand here and call 당신 a 암캐, 암 캐 over and over again! He doesn't treat 당신 like he should because 당신 are the mother of his son! Now that that's over with, let's go upstairs and watch TV with OUR son!"

February 25, 2014,

Carter has been stuck to me like glue since Damien dropped him off yesterday. He doesn't want to be alone no matter what. We were eating 공식 만찬, 저녁 식사 and Carter didn't seem like his usual self. He has hardly touched his 음식 and he asked "is Damien going to come pick me up this coming weekend mommy?" I said "he's supposed to." Carter said with a worried expression on his face "I don't want to go with him again!" I said "don't worry Carter; I'm not going to let him take you!" Carter asked "isn't it against the law for 당신 to keep me from going with Damien? Won't 당신 get in trouble?" I said "I don't care if I get in trouble Carter! I'm not going to risk 당신 going over there unsupervised and being hit again! I don't think Damien is going to show up; but if he does then I'm going with 당신 Carter!"

Kyle said "I highly doubt that he will actually show up after what I did to him yesterday!" I said "I think it's ridiculous that he even wants to have Carter on the weekends because 당신 and I both know that Damien isn't spending time with him! It's really a waste of my time with Carter because I don't get to spend a lot of time with him either!”

March 2, 2014,

Carter was waiting for Damien to pick him up for the weekend and I had my bags packed because I had fully planned to go with them for safety reasons. An 시간 and a half past and Damien still hadn't arrived and we figured that he wasn't going to show up because of the huge fight that happened last weekend.

I was upstairs in the bedroom watching TV with Kyle went I noticed Damien quickly drive up to the mailbox outside the gate and drop something inside. He sped off without even getting out of his car and I said "I wonder what he dropped in the mailbox Kyle." Kyle responded "I'll go check; be right back." I watched out the window as Kyle went down and outside to the mailbox.

After grabbing the small white envelope, he made his way back up to our bedroom and passed me what he had retrieved. I was really reluctant to open the envelope because it's usually something bad inside. I pulled out what appeared to be a letter written in Damien's terrible handwriting. I read aloud so Kyle could hear "I obviously can't handle 당신 and how bitchy 당신 are AJ! I don't know what 당신 want from me! One 분 당신 want me to be there for Carter and the 다음 분 당신 don't! I'm done with 당신 and your games and have decided to be very selfless! I went to the courthouse and signed a document that terminated all of my parental rights to Carter as his father. I hope you're happy and I want 당신 to know that every kid deserves to be smacked around every once in a while! I don't feel bad about hitting Carter at all and I never will! At least, now 당신 know where I stand! The only thing I want from 당신 now is to keep in contact with my mother because she would be totally devastated if 당신 cut Carter out of her life! I don't 사랑 him; but she does and it wouldn't be fair to her! I hope 당신 have a good life with that meathead husband of yours! PS, it was always about the money! I told 당신 that I didn't care about Carter from the very beginning! Say whatever 당신 want about me because I obviously don't care what 당신 think about my ability to be a good father! I never wanted to be a father and according to the legal termination of my parental rights I'm not a father!"

I said "well; I guess we don't have to worry about Damien anymore!" Kyle said "he is such an idiot; I mean seriously? He is still trying to justify why he hit Carter! At least he admitted that all he was trying to do was get money from 당신 and that he never intended to have a good relationship with Carter!"

March 21, 2014,

Frank leaned over my shoulder as we went on to iTunes.com to see the results of how my new album "footprints of my father" is selling. I smiled as I said "I'm number one on the iTunes 상단, 맨 위로 10! I beat Bieber; even after all this time has gone by!" Frank high-fived me and said "I bet 당신 already know what I'm thinking!" I said "I really don't want to go on tour right now! It was hard enough leaving Carter the first time! Now I'll have to leave Kyle and Carter here! Just when I thought everything was going to calm down; this happens! I still have plenty of money coming in from merchandise sales!" Frank said "yeah; but it's nowhere near as much as 당신 earn when you're on tour! I'm telling 당신 that 당신 will make double the cash 당신 made with your last tour! That was your debut album and people want 더 많이 from 당신 apparently! I think 당신 should really consider it because 당신 don't want to start losing fans! Alright; well I have to head out. I'll call 당신 in a couple of days to hear what 당신 decided to do! If I were 당신 I would do it! It would be a really good financial investment for 당신 and your family because 당신 have to remember that you're not only doing this for yourself anymore! This is your job and your way of providing for your family! You're the only income; so it's all on your shoulders! It's up to 당신 to make sure that Kyle, Carter, and 당신 are able to keep up the lifestyle you've become accustomed to! 당신 think you're living the perfect life right now; but wait until $30,000 feels like nothing because 당신 make so much money! I'm telling 당신 that going on tour in the near future is one of the best decisions that 당신 could possibly make! No pressure; just sleep on it kid and I'll give 당신 a call in a few days!"

After Frank left, Kyle came downstairs and said "hey AJ!" I said" I need to talk to 당신 about something." He said "that's good because I needed to talk to 당신 about something too; 당신 go first!" I said "Frank thinks it's a good idea that I go on tour again to bring in tons of cash. I kind of want to; but I really don't want to travel all over the world!" Kyle said "I think 당신 should go on tour! It will be good for 당신 because you've been on mommy duty for a little over three years! 당신 kind of disappeared out of the public eye! I don't want people to forget who 당신 are because I know how much 당신 사랑 being a musician! That's been your dream and I don't want 당신 to give up on it! I don't care what it takes! I'll be here to watch Carter that entire time that you’re away on tour! Your happiness is the most important thing to me AJ! I just want 당신 to go out there and find 당신 again because I think you're starting to lose yourself as a person! It's okay that 당신 need a break! You're losing your identity as a person! 당신 do too much for everyone else and not enough for yourself! It's time to start taking care of you! I've got Carter handled; there's no reason to worry about him!" I asked "are 당신 sure about this because if 당신 are I'm going to call Frank right now and tell him to start booking 음악회, 콘서트 dates?" Kyle said "yes AJ; don't worry about us!"

After calling Frank and telling him to start setting up plans for my 다음 tour, I asked Kyle "what did 당신 want to talk to me about?" He said "never mind babe." I said "no; just tell me! I want to know!" He said "since I can't get 당신 pregnant naturally; I was thinking we could think about adopting a child." I thought about it for a few 분 before saying "that doesn't actually sound like that bad of an idea! I think Carter would like to have a little brother 또는 sister. If 당신 want to go ahead and start looking into the paperwork and stuff that goes along with adoption; 당신 can. It'll give 당신 something to do while Carter is at school and I'm away on tour." Kyle said "I heard that there's a lot of paperwork to fill out; so it could take up to eight months before adoption agencies can start matching us with available kids."

April 26, 2014

I ran frantically for my cell phone as it continuously rang playing my Jesse McCartney ring tone. I looked at the caller ID to see that it was Frank and answered the phone 의해 saying "hello." He said "I just got off the phone with some tour promoters and they told me they want to start the tour on December 29 of this year! Starting in Los Angeles, all around the world and completely global this time! Dubai, Japan, China, Switzerland, just pretty much every significant country 당신 can think of!" I said "December 29; that's only four days after Christmas! Don't 당신 think that's asking too much of me to leave Kyle and Carter right after the holidays?" Frank said "I know it's going to be hard for 당신 AJ; but just think of how much money you'll make and how extremely lavish your lifestyle will be with all that cash in your pocket! Sometimes in life, 당신 have to do things that 당신 don't want to do just because that's best for everyone around you! The promoters are dead set on December 29th being the first 음악회, 콘서트 of your tour!" I said "fine; but only because I don't have any other choice!"

Without even saying goodbye to me, Frank hung up the phone and Kyle asked "what was he so excited about? I could hear him screaming from all the way over here!" I said "apparently, he just got done talking with the 음악회, 콘서트 promoters and they want me on tour at the end of this year!" He said "that sounds awesome AJ! Why don't 당신 seem excited?" I said "I don't know; I guess I just wasn't expecting Frank to 옮기기 so quickly with getting the tour up and running!" Kyle asked "should we tell Carter that 당신 are going to be going on tour again?" I said "we will; eventually! I just don't want to upset him right now because I have a feeling that he's not going to like being separated pretty much entirely from me for nine long months! He was only a baby last time I left; so I don't even think he remembers what it's like to not have me there! I sure as hell remember what it was like not being able to be with him every single 일 and I'm not looking 앞으로 to it at all!" Kyle said "it will be hard on all of us; but it's for the best and I promise that we'll Skype 당신 all the time!" I said "that will definitely help; but it's not same as being able to hug 당신 guys anytime I want to! I just hope that I'm not asking 당신 to do too much while I'm away! It's going to be a lot for 당신 to handle!" He said "don't worry about it AJ; it's not too much for me! Besides, I still have that life-size cardboard cutout of 당신 in my closet just in case I get lonely!" I playfully slapped his arm as I said "shut up; you're obsessed with that cardboard cutout! I still think that thing is creepy and it better not be standing in the 부엌, 주방 when I get back!"

October 31, 2014,

Carter said "trick-or-treat" as he stood in front of one of the million dollar houses in our neighborhood dressed as the 주황색, 오렌지 ninja turtle. After getting his candy, I said "okay Carter; we're going to go 집 now. Daddy and I want to talk to 당신 about something on the walk back to the house." I looked at Kyle with a depressed look on my face and he put his hand on my shoulder.

We walked down the 거리 and I kicked pebbles with my feet as I looked down at the ground waiting for the right moment. I said "Carter; I'm going to be going on tour again." Carter got excited and said "I can't wait to go with 당신 and daddy all over the world!" I sighed and said "you and daddy are going to stay here!" He asked "what do 당신 mean mommy? 당신 can't leave me here! I need to go with 당신 because I'll miss 당신 too much!" I said "I wish I could take 당신 Carter; but I just can't!" He said "it's not going to be any fun here with just daddy!" Kyle joked "what am I chopped liver; compared to mommy?" Carter said "mommy's 더 많이 fun than 당신 are daddy." I laughed and said "he just dissed 당신 Kyle!" Kyle joked "I see how it is Carter; mommy is the favorite! I'll have to remember that 다음 time when 당신 want me to help 당신 tie your shoes!"

December 20, 2014,

I finished wrapping Carter's 크리스마스 presents on the 침대 and Kyle came out of the bathroom wearing just his boxers. I looked over and crossed yet another 일 off of my calendar. I sighed and said "only eight 더 많이 days left!" Kyle said "nine straight months with no sex! I said "I have a feeling that I'm not going to be in the mood after tonight because I'll be really depressed! 당신 better make tonight count!" He turned on the radio and said "trust me; it will be worth it!"

As we lay there with our bodies pressed up against each other, "stay" 의해 리한나 came on the radio station. "I want 당신 to stay, stay, I want 당신 to stay" blared through the speakers as Kyle pulled away from our passionate make out session. He saw a single tear run down my face and asked "I'm not hurting you; am I?" I said "no; I'm fine!" He rolled off of me and said "no you're not; you're crying! If I'm hurting 당신 then just tell me!" I said "you're not hurting me Kyle!" He asked "then why are 당신 crying?" I said "BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!" He asked while continuing what he had stopped "then why are you?" I said "I don't have a choice! I have to provide for 당신 guys because I'm the only income! Besides, I can't let all my 팬 down! I 사랑 performing; but I just wish Frank didn't just throw all of this on my lap!" I already have enough pressure as it is; let alone with him criticizing everything I do! I don't want to talk about this anymore because it's going to get me out of the mood! There's nothing we can do about it; it is what it is! Now if 당신 don't mind, can we just get back to the 사랑 because that's all either of us are going to be getting for nine months?"

Afterwards, I rolled over with my back to Kyle and my arms crossed as I slipped my clothes back on. Kyle said "I didn't mean to make 당신 mad AJ!" I said "well; 당신 succeeded!" He said "we still haven't had our first fight yet and I don't want to start now!" I said "then I suggest that 당신 leave me alone!" He fastened the buttons on his 셔츠 and said "fine; if that's what 당신 want then I'll leave 당신 alone just to avoid getting into a fight with 당신 because I want this to be a fight free marriage. I 사랑 당신 AJ and I'm sorry." I said as I rolled back over facing towards him "I can't stay mad at you! The entire time I was facing the other direction I was smiling and trying not to laugh!"

December 29, 2014,

I stood there in my tour bus in front of Neverland and looked around. Kyle said "okay Carter; we have to get off the bus now." Carter wrapped his arms around my neck and wouldn't let go when I tried to put him down. He screamed "no mommy; I'M GOING WITH YOU!!!" I said "you can't Carter! It's not going to be as fun as 당신 think it is being on tour! I'm working all the time and I wouldn't be able to spend time with 당신 either way! I promise 당신 that I'll get on Skype every 일 with 당신 guys!" I tried to put him down again and he still refused to let go. I said "I could use a little help here Kyle!"

Kyle pried Carter away from me as he continued to scream at the 상단, 맨 위로 of his lungs. He cried as he protested "LET ME GO DADDY! I'M STAYING ON THIS BUS!" Kyle turned his face as Carter continuously flailed his arms all over the place trying to get out of his grip. Kyle said "I would hug 당신 AJ; but as 당신 can see my hands are pretty full at the moment. I whispered in his ear "that's okay; I'll see 당신 at the 음악회, 콘서트 and I can hug 당신 there! Don't forget to drop off 당신 know who at my grandmother's!" I kissed Carter who was still relentlessly trying to grab hold of me. As I pulled away he grabbed my hair and I said while laughing "OUCH; KYLE HURRY UP AND GET OUT OF HERE BECAUSE HE'S RIPPING THE HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD!"

As we made our way to the arena in the tour bus, Frank asked "are 당신 okay kid? 당신 look pale!" I wiped the sweat off of my forehead and said "yeah; I think it's just nerves! It's been over three years since I've performed on tour!" He said "you're just like your dad; once 당신 get out on that stage all your nerves will disappear!" I said "yeah; you're probably right!"

A half 시간 before the 음악회, 콘서트 starts, I sat backstage on the 침상, 소파 with my hand on my forehead. I looked in the mirror to see that I was pale as a ghost and drenched with sweat. Frank asked "are 당신 sure you're feeling okay AJ?" I said "yeah; I'm fine! I'll get over whatever is going on! It's these stupid nerves getting –."

Before I could finish the sentence, I ran off to the bathroom and violently started throwing up. Frank knocked on the door and said "I've never seen 당신 this nervous before! Everything is going to be just fine! Your 팬 사랑 당신 and the dedicated 팬 will always be there; no matter what!" I stood up and walked out of the bathroom as I said "you're right Frank; I don't know what's gotten into me! I'm never usually this nervous! It must be because Kyle's going to be here watching me tonight."

There was a knock at the door and Frank said "speaking of Kyle; I think he's here!" Frank opened the door and Kyle immediately noticed my appearance. He put his hand on my forehead and said "you don't feel warm; but 당신 look awful babe!" I laughed it off and said "thanks for the compliment!" He said "I'm serious AJ! 당신 look terrible!" I gently pushed him out of the way and said "come on; 당신 can sit on the edge of the stage where the backup dancers come in from! You'll be able to see better than anyone else that way! He said "I don't think 당신 should go out there AJ!" I asked "would 당신 just relax; I'm fine! My 팬 are waiting for me and once I get out there and started 노래 again my anxiety will go away!"

***30 초 before the 음악회, 콘서트 entrance***

I sat there in the stage 빵 굽는 사람, 토스터 with my hands on my head trying not to think about how bad my stomach was turning. My head continuously pounded with the sound of the loud screaming. I was catapulted onto the stage and that's when I realized something was seriously wrong with me! The room just felt like it was spinning out of control and I fell to the ground with a bang that was heard loud and clear 의해 the microphone I wore over my head. The last thing I remember was the thousands of 팬 letting out gasps as I saw Kyle run to my side.

***

I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was Kyle's face. I looked around the room and asked "where are we?" He said "in the hospital babe." I asked as I sat up at the edge of the 침대 "what happened?" He said "the doctors don't really know yet! They just ran some tests down to the lab! They said 당신 could have collapsed from dehydration; but then I told them how much stress 당신 have been putting on yourself lately! They are pretty sure that that's what caused 당신 to pass out!"

A female doctor came into the room and shook my hand. She sat down in a chair and said "it seems like the stress you've been under is really affecting your health! That's 더 많이 than likely what caused 당신 to black out. If 당신 don't mind, I'm going to ask 당신 a few questions." I rubbed my eyes and said "go ahead." She asked "have 당신 been sleeping okay?" I said "yeah; nothing out of the ordinary." She asked "what about eating?" I said "just my typical foods that I eat while preparing for my tour." She asked "how far along are you?" I said "with the tour; this is the very first concert." She said "no, no, not with the tour. How far along are you?" Kyle and I looked at each other in confusion and I said "I'm sorry; I don't quite understand what you're asking me." She asked "how far along is the baby?" Kyle and I asked in unison with completely confused looks on our faces "what baby?" She said "I'm sorry; I thought 당신 knew that you're pregnant!" Kyle laughed and sarcastically said "yeah right doctor; stop messing with us! I can't get Alanna pregnant; I'm sterile!"

The doctor passed me a piece of paper and written on it was "pregnancy: positive." I whispered as Kyle continued to laugh because he thought she was joking "the 5% chance." Kyle asked "what did 당신 say AJ; sorry I was laughing too hard to hear you?" I said "the 5% chance! IT'S THE 5% CHANCE THAT 당신 COULD GET ME PREGNANT; that week before 크리스마스 when I was crying and we almost got into a fight; IT WORKED!!!!" Kyle turned white as a ghost and stuttered as he said "wait – we had sex – but – how – it's not supposed to – oh my God!!!" His eyes rolled back in the back of his head and he fell to the ground with a thud.

When he came to, I looked down at him as I held his head and he said "I'M GOING TO BE A DAD!!! Is this for real? Is this really happening? ARE 당신 REALLY PREGNANT AJ?" I nodded my head and said "yes; I really am pregnant! 더 많이 importantly though, FRANK HAS TO POSTPONE THE TOUR until after the baby is born!"