bri-marie Wow. Details, details details! You don't have very many and they are an essential part of a story. [i]I live with my mom; my dad left when I was just a kid. I am an only child and my moms name is Tina Contrevez. She works two jobs so I have to do all the chores.[/i] These are very unorganized sentences. You should keep everything together - if you're going to introduce Tina, tells us about Tina in the same sentence. Meaning, don't introduce Tina, tell us something about Laney, then tell us something about Tina, then something about Laney, then something else about Tina. Keep all the information about Tina together. [i]So you’re probably thinking wow you’re life sucks or it can’t get any worse than that.[/i] I'm not thinking this, actually. There are worse things that having your dad leave and having to do chores. This makes me think that your protagonist is extremely whiny. [i]well I’m a demon hunter,[/i] This is a very important piece of information and you hardly tell us anything about it. Does Laney's mother know she's a demon hunter? How does one become a demon hunter at such a young age? Does everyone know demon hunters exist? Was she forced to become a demon hunter? Chapter 1 [i]a demon…….[/i] Why are there ellipses here? And why are there so many of them? [i]I bet your wondering if there ugly or not well there not, demons are no doubt the most beautiful human looking things in the world.[/i] Show us, don't tell us. [i]How[/i] are they the 'most beautiful human looking things in the world'? [i]looking…….[/i] Again, what's with the ellipses? [i]The demon was hansom I will give him that[/i] I hear the word 'handsome' and I automatically think of a guy whom I think is handsome. I doubt that you think that same guy is handsome, so details of what the demon looks like (and how he's handsome) needs to be put [i]here[/i] (as opposed to later on when they are fighting). Also, you (Laney) already said that they were the most beautiful things. Why is she now, grudgingly, making it seem like she [i]has[/i] to say he's handsome? [i]well from what I could see but I didn’t look past his eyes.[/i] So, she's already broken rule two then? This sentence makes it seem like she's [i]only[/i] looking at his eyes. [i]Which I’ve never seen before’ most demons run at the sight of me because I am the most well known and most respected demon hunter ever.[/i] First off, this is a very long run on sentence. It needs punctuation. Also: MARY-SUE ALERT! She's sixteen and is already the 'most well known and respected demon hunter ever'? Boring. [i]So what was going on, the demon had reached me looked down at me and grinned, I pulled out my knife and got ready to defend myself but the demon just stood there….[/i] Yet again, more ellipses for, seemingly, no reason. Also, you have three sentences (well, two sentences and one question) jammed into one long sentence. Break them up. [i]Wait first before I get into the details of the fight let me tell you what he looked like. He had well defined muscles, night black hair that was long but not too long and the tips were red. His face was good looking I will admit. He was wearing plain black shirt and ripped jeans.[/i] This is completely random and should have been stated earlier, when you introduced him. [i]“know I’m going to kill you and be on my way, ok”[/i] I'm fairly certain that he did know this - she has a knife at his throat. [i]faster than light he grabbed my arm and twisted it so I could not move.[/i] This doesn't seem physically possible. She was standing behind him, so how could he have possibly twister her arm in the correct angle to make her unable to move? [i]“Know it’s my turn to tell you what’s going on hunter”[/i] I'm pretty sure the fact that he was talking should have let her know it was his turn to tell her something. [i]since we both got to get to school,[/i] Very true. He needs to learn to speak English properly. [i]don’t kill me behind my back[/i] How does that work? Usually the phrase 'behind my back' infers that the speaker didn't know something was happening. "She talked about me behind my back." I don't think this phrase works for this sentence. Perhaps you meant "don't try and kill me when I turn my back?" [i]"how about we walk to school together”[/i] This is a question, so there should be a question mark. Also, how does he know they are going to the same school? Chapter 2 [i]English was the only class I had with Zane so I hated English.[/i] This implies that she already knew Zane - they had a class together. So, why did they not know each other when they ran into each other in the last chapter? [i]him…….[/i] Ellipses are here because . . .? [i]I can’t even look at with possibly looking in the eyes to”[/i] The 'to' at the end of this sentence doesn't make any sense. [i]“yes I know this you,[/i] 'You' what? [i]but the bell rung[/i] That was a very short class. They only exchange, like, maybe, five sentences. [i]“Ok, then meet me at my house[/i] Either they're both morons, or they already know they won't try and kill each other. [i]I’ll give you my number so you can call me, ok. And he walked away.[/i] Without giving her his number? [i]Great I have to go to his place maybe I can skip school for the next week.[/i] That doesn't make any sense. Why would she skip school for the next week? Chapter three [i]I was about to knock on Zane’s door when somehow he knew I was there[/i] Perhaps he saw her through the window? [i]“Oh! I thought you weren’t going to come “[/i] Why? She was the one that insisted she needed to work on the paper. [i]The house was nice…….[/i] Still don't need to be there. [i]I mean for a demon anyways[/i] What kind of houses do demon's normally live in? [i]Now I know what your thanking why didn’t I sit with him[/i] Because he's a demon and 'you're' (Laney) a demon hunter? [i]well because he looked great he had a tight black shirt that you could his abs way to well in, and black slacks that looked really good on him.[/i] So, 'you' (Laney) can't sit with him because he looks good? [i]I also think I might have gave up on my rules and looked into his eyes.[/i] Because he looks good?? [i]I’m not going to brake my rules,[/i] She already did - as they both pointed out in the last chapter. [i]not for you not for no one!!!”[/i] Double negative. She'd break her rules for anyone. [i]I said looking into his eyes[/i] She isn't a very good demon hunter - her shallow-ness keeps forcing her to break her rules. [i]I could not stay in the same house with him any more[/i] Why? Because she broke two rules already? [i]……………………LANEY!!!!!![/i] What's with the ellipses? And is this Zane calling her back? [i]Oh sorry I have to end this story short moms calling for dinner bye.[/i] If this is going to be a "journal" entry type story, you really should state that before the end of chapter three. Unless this was your (badcats10) note to your readers as to why this ended so abruptly, in which case, there needs to be a larger gap between the end of the story and your note. So far, your character is an unrelatable Mary-Sue and she has an unbelievable relationship with a male character - I don't mean because he's a demon and she's a demon hunter (cliche), but because they start out trying to kill each other and, four sentences later, are teasing each other like friends. Your story lacks crucial details that serve to keep the reader informed about what's going on. Watch your spelling and punctuation -it's irritating to have to read a story and constantly be mentally fixing tiny mistakes. You've done good with setting up the story and describing the characters (remember: show, don't tell!).

badcats10 Thank in u for telling me thi on my second one i will make it a lot more better read my i dont take no for an answer story that one ull like

daja625 lol!!! I really love this it was awesome. I hope you write more soon

Alieana The introduction of Laney was short and stubby. Sentence variety would be lovely there. And a little more depth into the whole demon hunter thing would help. How did she become one? How does Tina feel about her only child going around killing things? How did she become the most respected demon hunter ever? And if this was the case, how come she'd even hesitate to kill him? And wouldn't the other kids waiting for or on (not exactly sure where they are) not notice Laney attempting to kill Zane? And I don't exactly care for the characters, either. Zane's way too cocky. Laney seems way too whiny, also.