#1:
Donny: Now Ted.. 당신 belong to Robert now, okay, 당신 do what he says.
Ted: 당신 think 당신 can just get away with kidnapping?.. Nice fuckin example your setting her-
Donny: (screaming) LANGUAAAGE!!
Donny: (calm again) Sorry, sorry... 당신 know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw 당신 on television. And I thought 당신 were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."
Ted: Can 당신 just 이메일 me the rest of this story?
Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.
Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.


#2:
Southern newscaster: LOOK WHAT 예수님 DID! LOOK WHAT 예수님 DID! LOOK WHAT 예수님 DID!


#3:
John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my 곰 isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!
John: [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?


#4:
Frank: 당신 had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on 상단, 맨 위로 of the produce that we sell to the public?
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: 당신 got a lot of problems, don't ya?


#5:
Ted: Uh...well, 당신 know, since I just returned from active duty in the Civil War, that actually sounds very appealing. Oh, wait! No, I'm sorry, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, and uh...I don't give a shit.


#6:
Ted: Marry 크리스마스 everyone.
Helen: (screams in horror)
Ted: Let's all be best friends.
Steve: 예수님 H. FUCK!
John: Dad.
Steve: John get away from that thing.
John: Bu-
Steve: GET OVER HERE!!
Helen: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER! COME HERE!
Steve: Helen, get my gun!
John: Dad no!
Ted: Is it a hugging gun?
Steve: GET MY GUN AND CALL THE COPS!!'


#7:
Man: 당신 break my wall! This my 집 long time! 당신 break my wall! 당신 bastard
men!
John: We're sorry, it was an accident.
Man: 당신 bastard men! I try to make 오리 dinner, now plaster everywhere!
John: Chill out okay? We'll pay for it! Let's talk this out okay? What's your name? I'm John!
John: Look.. Just calm down, tell us your name.
Man: My name Wan Ming.
Sam: Ming!?
Man: (dressed as Ming the Merciless) 당신 pay many dollar for wall! This bullshit! This all bullshit!
Sam: DEATH!! TO MINNG!!


#8:
Narrator: Donny was arrested 의해 Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.


#9:
Lori: Can I give 당신 a ride home?
John: No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.


#10:
Frank: 당신 think 당신 got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell 당신 what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.
Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.
Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.
Frank: ... You're hired.
Ted: Shit.


#11:
Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.
John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double 날짜 또는 something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted: White trash name. Guess.
John: Mandy.
Ted: Nope.
John: Marilyn.
Ted: Nope.
John: Brittany?
Ted: Nope.
John: Tiffany.
Ted: Nope.
John: Candace.
Ted: Nope.
John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted: Do 당신 see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, 당신 fuckin' buzz it, okay? 당신 got me?
Ted: 당신 do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
Ted: No.
John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
Ted: *Yes*.
John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!
[Ted laughs]
John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted: Tami-Lynn.
John: FUUCK!!


#12:
Narrator: Despite all of Ted's fame, he still made time for John.. What happened to him?.. Well.. No matter how big a splash 당신 make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber 또는 a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.


#13:
John: [calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!
[pause]
John: Hello? Hello!?


#14:
[thunder is heard outside]
Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John: I am not!
[Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John: Fucking right.
Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John: Alright.
John, Ted: [singing] When 당신 hear the sound of thunder, / Don't 당신 get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / 당신 can suck my dick! / 당신 can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
[blow raspberries]


#15:
Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
John: Italian.
Ted: Italian, yes.
John: What's the special on Tuesdays?
Ted: 가지 parm.
John: Chopped 샐러드 half price.
Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.
John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
Ted: Anybody can come.
John: Of course.
Ted: Jews are welcome.
John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?
Ted: 당신 don't bring it up. 당신 just let 'em in.
John: So why mention it?
Ted: No one will.
John: So why are we talking about it?
Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
John: Yeah, let 'em in.
Ted: Exactly.
John: Right.
Ted: Good.
John: Okay.
Ted: No Mexicans, though.


#16:
John: We have been dating for four years tomorrow.
Ted: Fuck me! Nice!
John: Let me ask 당신 something. 당신 don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?
Ted: What? Like anal?
John: No... Like fuckin engagement ring,
Ted: Wait.. We been together for 더 많이 than four years..Where's my ring?.. Huh? Where's my engagement ring motherfucker!?.. Put it on my fuzzy finger 당신 fuck!


#17:
Narrator: Now if there's one thing 당신 can be sure of, it's that nothing is 더 많이 powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine 총 AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.


#18:
Guy: I got fuckin wasted last night, and apparently I made a letter to a man asking him to beat me up. And another letter saying thank you.


#19:
John: Ted!
Ted: (bizarre voice) I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my God!
Ted: (bizarre voice) I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back!
Ted: (bizarre voice) Yeah, I mean, when 당신 sewed me up 당신 put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will 당신 take care of me forever and ever?
John: (pauses)
Ted: (normal voice) Hawhawhaw, I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if 당신 thought I was fucking retarded.


#20:
Ted: No, see trust me I can do this.
Guy #1: Shut up.
Guy #2: Let him try it, man.
Guy #1: All right. Okay.
[Puts his hand on the 표, 테이블 with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a 칼, 나이프 and starts stabbing the 표, 테이블 between Guy #1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy #1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy #1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]
Ted: What?
Guy #1: [Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound] Son of a bitch!
Ted: Well 당신 never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.