Reign series finale recap: 'All It Cost Her...' 

Reign was going to go out without giving us one last completely bonkers story line, well, you haven’t been paying attention.

And so, we begin this final (!!) Reign recap in France… on the three-way with a witch. You have no idea how much I’m going to miss being able to write sentences like that. Sure, much of the time spent in French Court this season was less than thrilling, and many of the characters residing there get hastily wrapped up arcs, but the conclusion of Catherine’s story is just so Catherine that the faults in the French Court finale can be overlooked. Mostly. I mean, Poor Claude seemingly just pops by to say that Luc has left and now she’s lost both men she’s loved and then runs out. Claude deserves better.

Regardless, thanks to the witch Catherine enlisted and the well-timed use of nuts in stew, that peasant-in-queen’s-clothing Nicole meets her end. A distraught Henri carries Nicole’s body into court and lays it at the feet of his brother. They both blame the other for the death of the woman they loved. There is so much boy rage floating around that Henri and Charles draw swords. Thankfully, Catherine takes this opportunity to remind her sons that if they work together, they can crush the real enemy here: Spain. As we know, Catherine is an expert manipulator, and the ploy works.

Now that Catherine’s demand on her witch-in-residence has come to fruition, it’s time for her to pay up. Emmanuelle wants money and freedom and blah blah blah, but she also requires payment in a more peculiar form: Lady wants a three-way with the two most powerful people she knows — Catherine and Narcisse. She drugs them, and the three of them get into it. Partway through the, um, experience, Emmanuelle whispers demonic incantations in order to become impregnated with Satan’s spawn or something of that nature. Catherine is all like, Oh no, this is not what I signed up for, and attempts to go to Stab Town on the woman. It’s useless. Emmanuelle is protected by her unborn devil child now. Just another day in French Court.

Serious question: Is Catherine’s Witch Three-Way the biggest WTF of all the Reign WTFs? Other contenders include, but are not limited to: Death by Window Hump, Sex Horse Accident, Clarissa (Explains It All), and Narcisse’s Equine Feast. Share your favorites in the comments below. Consider it your final duty owed to the realm.

Catherine stumbles back into the throne room in time to overhear Charles and Henri plotting to take on Spain. It is the stupidest idea Catherine’s ever heard. Her sons don’t care and have her escorted to her room before she embarrasses herself any further. This does not sit well with Catherine — nor should it! Those two dummies owe their mother a heck of a lot. Like, remember when Catherine found Charles eating squirrels in the woods? Now, that is embarrassing.

So when Catherine runs into Emmanuelle again (awkward!), she wants the witch to use her witchy powers and give her the deets on the future of the Valois line. Outlook not so good. The witch confirms their plan will most assuredly backfire and Charles’ time on the throne is limited. Furthermore, if Catherine intervenes and stops the plan to attack Spain, Catherine will become her sons’ scapegoat and will be killed. She can save herself, however, by letting the attack against Spain play out and by making sure her daughter Margot is by her side. Will Catherine once again choose her children over her own well-being? Or will she let those boys rot for their sins and save herself?

You better believe sister hightails it to Margot’s place and chooses herself. It’s a bit of an abrupt conclusion to our time in French Court, but god bless Reign for letting Catherine de Medici be a top-notch bitch until the very end.

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