Okay, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get through the first paragraph of this story because of the appalling amount of spelling and grammatical errors in it. There aren't even spaces between the punctuation marks, and 당신 use the wrong "to". What grade must 당신 be in to not have learned which "to" to use? Your sentences are run-ons and they have little relevancy. There is no flow to your story; it's just choppy and uninteresting. I would suggest that 당신 use Microsoft Word to rewrite this (spell-check) and possibly your mom 또는 English teacher. I wouldn't really want to read another chapter of this. Plus, it sounds just like Twilight. Except much, much worse. I'm sorry if you're offended 의해 this, but it just isn't very good. I didn't want to sugarcoat it. I'm sure it could be a very good story, if maybe 당신 asked for help from an adult 또는 older sibling. Again, sorry, but as someone once said: "Lies never help anything, not in the long run, anyway. It's better to make an honest mess and clean it up." 또는 something like that, sorry, I don't have the quote in front of me. But 당신 should definitely give it another go, just make sure 당신 편집 your work.