January, 22, 2010,

I was in Frank's car and we were on our way to the release party/CD signing because my album "Legacy" was released this morning. I looked out the window and then back at Frank as I said "these crowds of 팬 just keep getting bigger and bigger!" The line of 팬 stretched all the way around the Dunkin' 도넛 다음 to the 음악 store where the CD signing is being held. Frank got a worried on his face and I unbuckled my seatbelt.

There were some poorly built metal gates that separated the main entrance to the store and the fans. I walked alongside Frank as we made our way down the path to the front doors. I stepped a little closer to the gate so I could wave to the fans. Before I could walk away, one of the 13-year-old girls grabbed the strings on my 스웨트 셔츠, 셔츠 and tried to pull me closer. A teenage boy grabbed my arm and yanked me over the 상단, 맨 위로 of the gate. Frank obviously didn't notice as he continued to walk up to the doorway. I screamed "FRANK" at the 상단, 맨 위로 of my lungs. He turned around to see me lying on the ground having everything ripped away from me 의해 the crazed fans!

Frank literally had to pick me up and 그네, 스윙 me over his shoulder. He carried me inside to a back room of the store where they put all the extra inventory. He put me down and looked at me as I stood there with giant rips in my sweatshirt! He asked "ARE 당신 OKAY?" I said with a shaking voice "I think so! I've never seen people like that before; they are like savage animals! I think one of them ripped off one of the 벨트 loops on my pants!" He took a sigh of relief and asked "are 당신 sure you're okay?" I said as my hands shook "yeah, it just freaked me out!" He said "I didn't think 당신 were at the point that 당신 needed to travel with security guards; I guess I was wrong! I was going to wait until a few days before 당신 go on tour to 검색 for a bodyguard but; I'm going to have to 옮기기 that up a little bit! Do 당신 think you're okay enough to go through with the CD signing?" I said "of course, I'm not going to let down all those 팬 out there!"

I took off my 스웨트 셔츠, 셔츠 revealing my plain white T-shirt and followed Frank down the hallway. As we got closer to the main room, the two of us heard the 팬 chanting "ALANNA, ALANNA, ALANNA!!!" I said "it's so weird hearing that because for years I was used to hearing people chanting dad's name!" He said "this is just the beginning kid! 당신 better get ready for your tour because that's going to be 10 times worse; I promise 당신 that!"

I walked into the room and thousands of 팬 were waiting in a LONG line. I sat down at the 표, 테이블 in the front of the room with a backdrop of my "legacy" album cover behind me. The store security guided 팬 through the line just long enough for me to sign their CD. After about four hours, everyone had had their CDs autographed and it was time to clear the store of customers so we could start the release party.

After waiting around for about an 시간 and playing with an application on my cell phone while the staff members set up for the party; people started to arrive. The first people to come were some of my family members, Prince, Paris, Blanket, my Aunt Latoya and grandma. They walked up to me and Prince sat down in the chair nearest to me. I looked up from my phone and asked "where's my uncles?" Aunt Latoya said "they said that they were too busy to come!" I said "seriously, all they ever do is sit around and they couldn't come for three hours to support my new album being released?"

Then a whole crowd of 유명인사 walked into the room and I think that's what I realized that I was one of those celebrities. Paris was definitely taking advantage of the opportunity to hang out with some of her role 모델 like the Jonas Brothers. As I was talking to Adam Sandler I felt someone tap my shoulder and turned around to see who it was. I was shocked to see Damien's mother Kate standing there. I hugged her with a smile on my face and asked "what are 당신 doing here? I didn't expect to see you!" She motioned for me to follow her outside because the 음악 was so loud indoors.

We walked outside and the two of us sat down on the curb. She said "I had come down here to show my support! I listened to the album the whole ride down here and it's amazing; especially man in the mirror!" I said "thanks for the compliment; did 당신 see Carter yet?" She said "yeah, he was sitting on Prince's lap and eating some potato chips off of his plate. Oh my gosh; he's getting so big!" I said "I know, he's walking and talking now!" She said "Damien told me that he came down here around Carter's birthday; how did that go?" I was debating in my mind whether 또는 not to tell her how it actually went but, I said "it was okay; I wasn't expecting it but it was okay."

I took a deep breath as I adjusted my backwards facing hat and said "so… I heard he has a girlfriend!" She said "yeah he does and he lives with her in her parent’s basement." I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he's living in some dusty old basement and I asked "what's her name?" She said "Amber I think." I looked at her confused and asked "you're not sure what her name is? Haven't 당신 met her?" Kate said "yeah I met her; she seems kind of snobby if 당신 ask me! I think her parents probably spoil her! Damien tried to convince me to let the two of them 옮기기 into my house and I told him that he needs to start growing up and being there for the baby! Did he spend time with Carter when he came to your grandmother's house?" I said "I tried to get him to but, he doesn't really want to interact with him!" She said "I hate to say this about my own son but, I don't think you're ever going to get through to him AJ; he's a 로스트 cause! I wouldn't waste your time on trying to fix him because I've tried and it doesn't seem to work! He's just in his own little world where he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything that he does; he's immature and that's all there is to it!"

I saw someone walking towards the building and said "oh my gosh, I think that's Jesse McCartney!" I started blushing and Kate clutched her side in laughter as she squeezed out the words "I don't think I've ever seen 당신 blush before! 당신 really think he's that cute?" As he got closer I whispered "not cute but damn sexy!" She started laughing hysterically as he was just a few feet away from us. Jesse walked up to me and hugged me as he said "longtime no see! I haven't seen 당신 since 당신 went to my tour in 2005!" I said while trying to play it cool "yeah, I 사랑 your new album! It's in my truck right now!" He said "I can't stay too long but I just wanted to stop 의해 and congratulate 당신 on your first album!" I said "that means a lot coming from you; thanks!" He said "no problem" and turned to go back the way he came. As he walked away, Kate said something but I wasn't paying attention. She snapped me out of it and asked "will 당신 stop checking out his butt?" I said as I blushed "sorry, I can't help it! He's just so perfect looking!"

January 31, 2010,

Frank had gone to go pick up my new tour bus while I spent an 시간 with my family before we left to go make our way to the first 음악회, 콘서트 on my "Legacy" tour; which is in Maine. I was helping Blanket with a videogame while Carter sat on my lap. I asked as I quickly glanced over at Prince "you haven't said much today; that's not like you! What's on your mind?" He stood up and said arrogantly "like 당신 care anyway!" He stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him and I looked at grandma confused. I took Carter off my lap and passed the PlayStation controller to Blanket. Grandma said "I wonder what's got into Prince!" I grabbed my truck keys off the counter in the 부엌, 주방 and said "I don't know but, I'm going to find out!" She asked "do 당신 need help finding him?" I said as I opened the front door "no, I have a pretty good idea of where he is!"

After driving around for 15 분 yelling his name out the window, I spotted Prince sitting down in front of the Lake. I pulled the truck in and said as he turned around to look at me "I figured 당신 might be here!" I shut the truck off and hopped out. I walked up to him and sat down in the grass. I asked "what's going on with you? What was that whole thing back at the house about?" He said something that I definitely wasn't expecting to hear "I don't want 당신 to leave!" I said "I thought 당신 would be excited that I'm going to be gone pretty much nonstop for eight months! 당신 and I are always arguing about something so, I figured 당신 would be excited to have a break from me!" He said "I was… Until today because it's finally hitting me that you're going to be gone for a while!" I said "you know that if 당신 ever need to talk all 당신 have to do is call my cell phone! The only time that I won't pick up is if I'm on stage but, I'll always return your calls afterwards. He said "it's not that, it's just that when you're here in makes me remember what it's like to have dad around again! I just keep picturing him lying on the ground and me knowing that he was already gone!"

I said as I put my arm around him "I know how 당신 feel because the same thing happens to me all the time! 당신 just have to remember the good times we had with dad when he was here!" Prince said "I just don't want to forget those memories because that's all we really have left of him now!" I asked as I started laughing "remember that time at Neverland when 당신 and I decided to have a submarine adventure in the bathtub when I was six and 당신 were three?" Prince said with a smile on his face "oh yeah, dad went to go get our towels and the two of us flooded the whole bathroom in a matter of minutes!" I laughed as I asked "remember, dad came back in with the towels and was slipping all over the place because of all the water and soap we got on the floor?" He said as he started to laugh "yeah, daddy was so frustrated with us because he had to spend hours mopping up the water that was 3 inches high!" I said "I don't think he ever left us alone to go get something ever again after that!"

Prince said "then there was that time when 당신 and I were fighting all 일 and he tied the two of us together so we would have to get along? I said "yeah; I remember how much I hated 당신 that 일 because 당신 didn't want to do anything that I wanted to! What about the sleepover's you, dad, and I used to have together right after Paris was born!" Prince said "I remember that! We would watch cable 또는 영화 and drink 초콜릿 milk!" Prince squinted his eyes and started laughing with an evil tone. He looked at me with a mischievous look on his face and I asked "what?" He said "now I remember! One time when you, dad, and I had fallen asleep watching a movie, 당신 had had four glasses of 초콜릿 우유 and when we had gotten up the 다음 morning 당신 had wet dad's bed!!!" I got defensive and said "I did not; you're imagining things!" He laughed and said "no, no I'm not! I remember cause 당신 said 'I'm sorry daddy! I didn't mean to!' Then I remembered dad saying 'it's no big deal! It happens sometimes! I'm not mad at you!' The 다음 time he didn't let 당신 drink anything!" The memories came flooding back to me and I said trying to change the subject "alright, let's go 집 and see my tour bus!”

Prince teased "okay, whatever 당신 say tomboy tinkler!!!" I playfully threatened as we climbed into the front 좌석 of my truck "you better not tell anyone about that 초콜릿 우유 incident! What do 당신 expect? I was only five years old when that happened!" He didn't give me an answer as he stared down at my truck keys. He asked "how come 당신 have three keys? What are the other two for?" I said "I've been trying to figure that out since I got the truck! Nobody else knows what they're for either! I've tried them in every lock I own but neither of them works! At this point, I really don't think they belong to anything! I just think they are fake and just pretend!"

I pulled into the driveway at Havenhurst and caught my first glimpse of my tour bus. I opened my truck door and ran towards the bus. Blanket, Paris, Carter, and grandma stood outside and I said "wow the outside of the tour bus looks awesome!" I stared at the giant decal of what appeared to be dad's hand passing my hand his signature sequin glove; with the words "Alanna Jackson Legacy tour" written underneath it in gold lettering. Grandma started crying and said "the image is so symbolic! In a way when your dad signed 당신 to his record label he pretty much did pass that 장갑 onto you!" I said "I never thought about it like that before. Please don't start crying; at least not yet because I don't have to leave for another 15 minutes!"

All of us walked onto the bus and I was starstruck! Prince said "wow, this is crazy!" I looked around and there was a leather 침상, 소파 with a huge flatscreen TV and an Xbox 360 mounted on the table. I walked towards the back of the bus and there was a pretty good-sized room with a full-size bed. Then there were four bunkbeds that could be folded up to reveal 더 많이 living space. I went back into the room with the full-sized 침대 and noticed the medium-sized bathroom. Frank said "I don't mean to glorify myself but, I think I did a pretty good job picking out this tour bus as your 집 away from home!" I said "that's an understatement!"

Frank looked at his watch and said "I hate to tear 당신 away from your family AJ but, we have to get going because we have to pick up your new bodyguard in 10 minutes!" I sighed and said "this is so bittersweet because on one hand I'm getting to live out my childhood dream and on the other hand I don't want to leave 당신 guys behind; especially Carter!" Prince hugged me and said "I'm going to miss you! 당신 better come back and visit as often as 당신 can!" I said "of course I will!" Paris said "you better prepare yourself because now that I have a cell phone I'm going to text 당신 a lot!" I hugged her and said "I'm looking 앞으로 to it!" I looked down and Blanket and he started crying. I picked him up so his legs were wrapped around my waist and asked "what's wrong?" He said as he cried into my shoulder "I don't want 당신 to go! Eight months is too long!" I said "I'll see 당신 as much as I can during those eight months!" He said "I know but, it's not the same as having 당신 here every day!" I said "I'll be back before 당신 know it! My Los Angeles show is in two months and I'm going to stay here the night after the show! I kissed the 상단, 맨 위로 of his head and put him down. I looked over at grandma who was visibly upset and I said "I'll be back; I 사랑 you!" She said as she hugged me "I 사랑 당신 too! Please be 안전한, 안전 AJ!" I said "I will; I promise!" I looked at Carter with a halfhearted smile on my face and said "here comes the hardest part! I took Carter out of grandma's arms and said "I 사랑 당신 Carter! I'm going to miss you!" I don't think he knew how long I was going to be gone for because he's only 14 months old! I said as I kissed him "be good okay?" I passed him back to grandma and Frank said "okay, we'll see 당신 guys in April!" All of them walked off the bus and I stared out the window as the bus driver drove away.

February 1, 2010,

I woke up in my room inside the tour bus and looked over at the alarm clock to see that it was 7 AM. I didn't technically have to be up for another two hours because we wouldn't reach Maine until then. I sat up on the edge of my 침대 and rubbed my eyes. I stood up and looked in the mirror at my blonde hair that was sticking up in every direction.

After I took a shower, I walked out into the living room area and sat down on the leather couch. I looked over at Frank to see him lying on one of the twin size bunkbeds with his mouth wide open and snoring. I looked across from me and a tall athletic looking man was sitting down in a chair. I said "you must be my new bodyguard, my name is AJ and I'm sorry I was asleep 의해 the time they picked 당신 up; 또는 else I would've introduced myself yesterday." He said "that's no big deal; my name is Jeff." I laughed at Frank's obnoxiously loud snoring and said "it doesn't sound like he's getting up anytime soon! 당신 must not have slept really good last night because 당신 were in the 다음 침대 over from him." Jeff said "it's not that bad as long as 당신 put a 베개 over your head!"

While the bus driver drove us to the arena, I worked on my homeschooling. If dad didn't make it mandatory for me to finish high school I would've already dropped out 의해 now. Being famous means 더 많이 to me right now than being forced to do all this awful history paper work! History has always been my least 가장 좋아하는 subject in school but, ironically it's probably the one that I understand the most! I'm obviously capable of getting all A's on my 신고 card but, I've fallen so far behind since giving birth to Carter that I'm down to a D-. Looking back at it now, I definitely could've been 더 많이 motivated and applied myself!

2 1/2 hours later, we pulled up in front of the Portland Civic Center and I looked out the window at the thousands upon thousands of 팬 that crowded the streets. The show doesn't start until seven but some of those 팬 have been waiting a while because they had tents and sleeping bags laid out on the sidewalk. Jeff looked out the window while Frank made a business call in my bedroom. Jeff said "those 팬 must be freezing out there!" I said "we should buy some of them some hot chocolate!" He said "okay" and we walked to the nearby Dunkin' Donuts.

A few 분 later, we walked out carrying a giant container of hot 초콜릿 and hundreds of Styrofoam cups. Jeff and I went back to the sidewalk where all the 팬 were lined up. I passed out a few cups of hot 초콜릿 and then the chaos started. Once they realized that it was really me passing out the cups, they started freaking out! Some of them actually started crying and then I felt something touching my feet. I looked down and backed up as a boy attempted to steal my shoelace. I asked "do 당신 mind? That is my shoe 당신 know! I'm trying to do something nice for 당신 guys and 당신 just want to rip me to shreds!" Jeff said "hey, what do 당신 think you're doing boy? Get away from her shoes!" Jeff gently forced him backwards and I sighed with relief because I knew with Jeff here there wouldn't be a repeat of the CD signing!

As I sat backstage waiting for the opening acts to finish, Frank put his hand on my shoulder and said "get ready for this kid! This is just the beginning and don't forget… Every 일 creates your history!" Those words stuck to me like glue as I bent down in the stage 빵 굽는 사람, 토스터 that's going to shoot me onto the stage for the opening song. The 음악 to "another part of me" paused in suspense as I shot onto the stage. 당신 could hear my feet slam on the ground as I landed and stood there in silence. I didn't move, didn't flinch, nothing, as I stood there in a gold suite like the one my dad wore in his "history" tour. If there's one thing that I was able to pick up from watching my dad perform when I was three years old, it was the power and importance of using suspense to captivate the audience.

I stood there still in silence and waited for a full 분 before making a 빠른, 스위프트 movement to the rim of my sunglasses. I slowly ran my fingers across the lenses as the crowd exploded into an uproar of screams. I yanked my sunglasses off and the 음악 started playing again.

After a few songs, it was time for a costume change and I rushed backstage dripping with sweat. As the crewmembers helped me quickly and efficiently put on my 다음 outfit, Frank said "you're killing it out there kid! They 사랑 you!!! I smiled as I drank from a water bottle that was given to me. I said "I'm happy to be out of that suit because it's really hot!"

Before leaving the stage after I had performed the last song of the show, I started talking to the audience "I want to say thank 당신 to all of 당신 for coming out to see me perform today! I appreciate all of 당신 that slept on the sidewalk days in advance!" I looked up at the ceiling and said "I hope I made 당신 proud tonight dad!" I looked back at the audience and said "thank 당신 all for coming from the bottom of my heart!" I left the stage and confetti fell from the ceiling onto the thousands of fans.

I walked backstage and sat exhausted on the couch. Before I even have the chance to catch my breath, Frank, Jeff, and the rest of the crew came running over to me. Frank said "that was awesome AJ! Your dad would be so proud of you!" They all showered me with compliments and then I heard my phone ringing. I put it up to my ear and said "hello." Grandma asked excitedly "how did it go?" I said "it was awesome! Now I know what dad was talking about when he said stuff about having an adrenaline rush when 당신 go out there!" Prince interrupted "we miss 당신 AJ!" I said "I miss 당신 guys too! How is my little munchkin doing?" Grandma said "he's doing well; I think he's a bit confused about why you're not here with us." I asked "can I talk to him?" She said sympathetically "I would go get him but, Paris is getting him to fall asleep and if he hears your voice right now he'll be up all night!" I said with disappointment in my voice "okay, I understand. I'll talk to 당신 guys tomorrow I guess." I hung up the phone and tossed it down 다음 to me on the couch. I didn't like the idea of not being able to talk to Carter. I wasn't mad at my grandmother; I was mad at myself in a way for not being able to call him before his bedtime! This is the longest amount of time that I've spent away from him since he's been born and it's going to take some getting used to!

February, 8, 2010,

Today was my 일 off and we were in Virginia. We rented a hotel room and I wanted to go get something to snack on. Jeff and I walked into a family-run grocery store and I immediately went for the 정크 음식 aisles. I picked out everything from gummy bears to cheddar cheese potato chips and followed Jeff safely to the checkout line. There were quite a few people ahead of us so; I decided to look at a magazine that was on the rack 다음 to me.

I searched for one and saw something that caught my eye. I picked up the latest issue of "people magazine" and looked at the cover. I couldn't believe it; there right in the center was a huge picture of Prince carrying Carter into Walmart. That part didn't bother me but, then I read the title. It said "which Jackson family member has a secret child? Turn to page 70 to find out!" I frantically flipped through the pages and there was a whole 기사 about Carter! I looked at the pictures and they were personal pictures that I had taken of him. I read as I bit my lip angrily:

“I bet you're all wondering who this cute little guy is; well we finally found out! According to Jermaine Jackson, he is surprisingly Michael Jackson's firstborn daughter Alanna Jackson's son Carter Shawn Jackson. I know; that's surprising! Apparently, AJ had Carter in November 2008 when she was only 14 years old. I would've expected better of Michael's extremely sheltered children than to become a teenage mother. Jermaine says that the extended Jackson family has never met the baby's father and he is unsure if AJ still keeps in contact with him. We'll keep 당신 게시됨 about any new information on the baby. In the meantime, 당신 can see Alanna Jackson on her 'Legacy’ tour. I wonder who's watching her son while she's traveling?"

I quickly threw the money for the magazine on the counter and dashed to the tour bus that was waiting outside for us. Frank looked at me as I stormed onto the bus and sat down at the table. I dialed uncle Jermaine's phone number and put it up to my ear. He said "hello AJ; it's nice to have 당신 call me!" I snapped back "don't bullshit me!" He asked "what's wrong?" I said "what's wrong? What's wrong is that 당신 sold a story about Carter to the press! I know 당신 did because 당신 were the only one that had the 비밀번호 to my computer where they got those pictures I took of him! I can't believe that 당신 would sell my sons opportunity to have a normal life! That's so low of 당신 and I hate 당신 for that! I'll never forgive you! 당신 may be able to manipulate grandma into getting what 당신 want but, 당신 sure as hell aren't going to do it to me! Are 당신 that desperate for attention? Go to hell; 당신 jerk!"

I hung up the phone as Frank sat there shaking his head in disbelief. I ripped the magazine and half and stomped on it. Jeff said "I can't believe your uncle would do that to Carter! Now for the rest of Carter's life the press will be all over him!" I said "I was planning to raise Carter as normal as possible but I guess that's not going to happen now! What a lot of people don't know is that half of my family is money hungry, egocentric, asses and the other half are loving, selfless, genuine people! The messed up thing is that he doesn't even care if he destroys Carter's chances of having a normal life! The only thing he cares about is the 20 grand that he got for selling the story to the press! All my uncles were always hitting dad up for cash and I'm not about to let that happen with me! Frank, I don't trust any of my extended family with the money that I've been sending to buy 음식 and diapers for Carter! From now on, I'm going to physically buy that stuff myself and mail it to them because I have a feeling the money is not going where I intend it to go! Grandma is too easily manipulated 의해 my uncles for money and I think she's giving them the money I've been sending to put towards Carter! My family is so dysfunctional it's ridiculous!"

February 9, 2010,

I was sitting backstage after performing and thinking. Frank said "okay kid; we can go back to the hotel room I rented for the night.” My bodyguard Jeff got up from the chair he was sitting in and followed me to the back door of the 음악회, 콘서트 arena. He opened the door and I definitely wasn't prepared for what was on the other side. 30 paparazzi people immediately crowded me and started asking questions. "AJ, do 당신 miss your son? Are 당신 still in a relationship with Carter's father? When will 당신 be going back to the Havenhurst compound to see the baby?" I was blinded 의해 all the flashing from their cameras as Jeff gently pushed me onto the tour bus.

Once we arrived at the hotel, Jeff, Frank, and I each went to our own hotel rooms. I sat down on the 침대 and took out my cell phone. I dialed Paris's number and waited for her to pick up. She said "hi AJ how was your 음악회, 콘서트 tonight?" I said "it went okay; is Carter still awake?" She said "yeah, he eating SpaghettiOs but; I'll put the phone on speaker so 당신 can talk to him." Paris said "mommy's on the phone Carter!" I smiled as I heard Carter said "hi mommy!" I said "I miss 당신 buddy!" Paris coached "say I miss 당신 too!" I laughed at his attempt to copy her because it sounded nothing like what she said. Paris said "he's so cute; he's always asking 'mommy come 집 today? Mommy went bye-bye?'" I said "oh, that's adorable! I miss him so much! Okay, I'm going to go to 침대 now before I get too sad! I 사랑 당신 guys and I'll call 당신 tomorrow!"

March 3, 2010,

Frank, Jeff, and I walked into Tiger beat magazine headquarters and were greeted 의해 a photographer. There were racks of clothes and baseball caps on a nearby table. The photographer asked "are 당신 excited to be in the magazine again?" I said "yeah; I can't believe that kids actually want to hang posters of me up in their rooms!"

의해 now, I was so used to 사진 shoots because pretty much every teen magazine has me right in the center of their cover; usually right 다음 to Justin Bieber. The good thing about being a female artist is that I don't really see him as a threat because males have a whole different game plan and appeal. Whereas with me, I opened up the idea in today's culture that being a tomboy is just as good as being feminine!

After posing for hundreds of different possible posters, I signed some of the 이미지 so they could be photocopied and blown up into poster sized. The magazine also had me autograph a few copies of my CD so they could use them as part of some of their monthly contests.





April 29, 2010,

I'm in Los Angeles and I just finished my concert. I jumped into the back 좌석 of the car that was waiting for Jeff, Frank, and I. We drove to Havenhurst and Frank said "I'm not going to go in! I hope 당신 have fun with your family during your break! We'll be back to pick 당신 up in a week!" I waved goodbye and ran down the driveway as fast as I possibly could.

I swung open the front door and casually walked into the living room waiting for my family to notice me. After five minutes, Prince looked up from the TV and shouted "AJ; your back!" Blanket ran up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as I kissed the 상단, 맨 위로 of his head. He squeezed me and said "I missed 당신 so much!" I said "I missed 당신 too!" Grandma asked as she hugged me "how long are 당신 back for?" I said "only for a week but; I'm going to make the best of it! Where are Carter and Paris?" Prince said as he hugged me "Paris was giving him a bath last time I checked."

I ran upstairs and looked in the bathroom but nobody was there. I walked into my room to find Paris carrying Carter who was wrapped in a blue towel. Paris hugged me and said "I'm so glad you're back! I was just about to get him ready for bed." I playfully shoved her out of the room and said "don't worry about it; I'm back now! That's my job!"

I walked over to the 침대 where Carter sat still wrapped up in the towel and shivering. He smiled and said "mommy come home!" I smiled and said as I started to get him dressed "I missed my munchkin so much!" I sat down on the 침대 다음 to him as he flopped down on a pillow. I playfully put my hand up in the air and imitated a claw as I said "oh no; do 당신 know what this means?" He smiled and I noticed that all his baby teeth had finally come through. I said "the tickle monster is going get you!"

As I tickled his stomach, he laughed innocently as he looked up at me. I stopped so he could catch his breath and he climbed onto the 베개 다음 to me. He said "I need ba-ba!" I got off the 침대 and passed him the baby bottle that was on the nightstand. I shut off the light and put the TV on SpongeBob SquarePants. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kissed his forehead. There was a moment of silence as he looked up at me and said something that warmed my heart. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and asked "mommy?" I asked "huh?" He brushed my cheek with his tiny hand and said "mommy, I 사랑 you!"

I looked at him in the eyes and said "I 사랑 당신 더 많이 Carter!" The way he said that being only almost 18 months old made me want to cry! I could tell that he missed me just as much as I missed him! It's going to be so much harder to leave him at the end of this week!

April 30, 2010,

I walked through the door with Carter in my arms after taking him to the store to run a few errands. I noticed that there was someone sitting on the 침상, 소파 다음 to grandma as I looked at the back of their heads. I put Carter down and he ran into the play room. Grandma turned around and said "it's good that you're back because I want to sort of introduce 당신 to someone!"

I sat down on the 침상, 소파 and said as I looked at the blonde haired woman sitting 다음 to grandma "Debbie; is that you?" She shook her head in agreement and I asked curious "what are 당신 doing here?" Grandma asked "you know how Prince and Paris have already met your mother?" I said "yeah but; what does that have to do with Debbie?" Debbie smiled and said "it's nice to officially meet my daughter for the first time!" I asked "what do 당신 mean your daughter?" She smiled and said "I'm your mother AJ!

I sat there stunned for about three 분 then I said" wait… You're…" Before my mind could process what I just heard, I stormed out of the house slamming the door behind me. Debbie followed me and said "Alanna; just let me talk to you!" I tried to get away from her unsuccessfully as I tripped on my shoe and fell to the ground. She put out her hand so she could help me up but I just looked at her and pushed myself off the ground. She grabbed my sleeve stopping me from running away and forced me to sit down on a bench.

Debbie said "I want to know what you're thinking?" I asked irritated "you really want to know what I'm thinking? Okay; I'll tell you! I'm thinking that I hate you! I'm a mother now and I don't understand how 당신 could just leave all three of us and never see us again! I haven't seen 당신 since early 1999! I know that I could never leave Carter for that long!" She said "it wasn't meant to be the typical mom and dad relationship! Your father and I never wanted it to be like that!" I said "I don't understand why 당신 didn't want visitation with us!" She said "I wanted your father to get the chance to be a dad! 당신 guys were my gift to him! It wasn't my job to raise you!" I said angrily "it would've been nice to have known 당신 were my mother this entire time! Do 당신 know how difficult it was for me growing up without a mom around?" She asked "in what way?" I said "it was extremely awkward for me when I had to say 'ummm dad; I think I'm having my first period!' Then have him run to the store to get tampons!" She looked down feeling guilty and said "I wasn't thinking about that kind of stuff when I decided not to play a role in your life." I snapped back "yeah well; 당신 should of! Dad wasn't much help when it came to woman things! He was completely freaked out and wanted nothing to do with it! I had to learn everything on my own!" She said "I'm sorry about that; I really am! I hope you'll forgive me!" I said "it's going to take a lot 더 많이 than just saying you're sorry! Just give me my 우주 and I'll come to 당신 eventually when I get used to the idea of having a mom! Just don't force it on me because I'm not ready yet!" Debbie said "I completely understand and I don't want 당신 to feel obligated to spend time with me! Just know that I'm here for 당신 if 당신 ever need me for anything!"

The mood between us calmed down and I looked at Debbie and she burst out laughing. She said "I'm sorry but, I just have to know; how did your dad ever figure out what tampons to buy?" I chuckled as I remembered and said "he bought 10 different brands and basically threw them at me!" She said "I can totally picture your dad being like that!" I said "you should have seen the look on his face when I told him the first time that I started my period! His eyes were as big as saucers and he just stared at me for 15 분 straight only blinking a few times!" Debbie held her side as she continued to laugh and her eyes began to water. I said as I started to laugh just as hard "it took me an 시간 just to get dad to go to the store and get them! He just kept pacing back and forth in the 부엌, 주방 saying 'oh my gosh, oh my God! Are 당신 sure you're not just seeing things AJ? Please tell me it's not that!!!' Then I said 'it's definitely my period dad!' He was in denial about it! Looking back at it now, it was actually pretty funny!"