A/N: Okay, this might be the last thing that I ever write. There is still going to be a C/N 슬래쉬 fic, but I do hope to continue this story is the future. Hope being the key word. If this is indeed my last story, I want to thank a couple of 프렌즈 who mean a lot to me. First off to Laura for encouraging me like no one else does. She has convinced me time and time again that my 글쓰기 does not suck and she’s always willing to talk me through things when someone else isn’t. I appreciate it and I do the same for you. To my first ever reviewer who turned out to be…Alicia. That doesn’t surprise me in the least now. They are not enough words to describe you, so I’m just going to leave it at that, friend. Finally to my biggest supporter in 글쓰기 who is Tamara. She is and continues to be my biggest cheerleader. I think she’s read everything that I’ve ever written and she doesn’t read Gossip Girl fanfiction except for mine. 당신 always have a way of making me feel better about something. Thanks.
“I tried to kill myself.”
As soon as the words died from his lips, Blair’s head snapped up and her gaze met his. So many emotions flittered across her face. Shock, remorse, disbelief, and finally love. Her expression turned vacuous and she tried to form words, but found that she couldn’t actually open her mouth to say them. His gaze remained on hers, and she knew that she had to say something. What was he talking about though? She must have heard him wrong because there is no way that what he just said could be possible in anyway. This was Chuck after all and he didn’t let things affect him, like the regular person. At least she didn’t think he did.
“Chuck,” her voice cracked and she tried again. “What are 당신 talking about?”
He continued to look at her and his eyes never left her face. The pain was evident on every one of his features. “I didn’t want to do this Blair because I knew how much it would hurt you.” She put a hand around her back and felt for the vanity chair before collapsing in it. She knew that this was going to be a discussion that she would never forget. “And it didn’t matter how much you’ve hurt me over the years because I didn’t want to do the same thing to you,” he continued. “I wanted to prove how much better I was then 당신 and how 당신 fucked everything up royally.” He noted with a 쓴, 쓰라린 touch.
She was about to speak when he shook his head, so she remained silent. “I never wanted 당신 to find this out Blair because it makes me appear weak and I don’t do weak. I thought that I would give 당신 the opportunity of knowing that 당신 never gave me. I know that if we’re ever going to be able to 옮기기 past anything, then 당신 need to know about this.”
Her 심장 clenched because in a way she knew what he was talking about. Although she chose not to believe it, until he said those exact words again. Maybe she had been mistaken. “I still don’t understand. 당신 need to be 더 많이 specific.” She spoke softly and her throat felt dry, like she would never be able to get the same exact words out again.
Chuck moved steadily until he was kneeling beside her. He made a 옮기기 to grab one of her hands, but ultimately thought better of it because his hand dropped back to his side. He didn’t look at her. “I meant what I said before. The night that Bart died and that 당신 took off, I tried to kill myself.”
He had said it. The tears that she had been holding back for so long began to stream down her face. She couldn’t catch her breath, silent sobs racked her body as he still didn’t look at her, and her 심장 shattered into a million pieces. He was still broken. Chuck had always been broken, but he had never repaired himself. He was still that lost, lonely boy that he had been when they were teenagers. He may have changed, but he still held onto a part of himself.
She tucked her feet underneath her and went into a fetal position. She hugged herself tightly while she thought about all the pain he had been keeping inside of him for these past few years and she felt even worse about keeping Meg from him.
“Why?” she managed to gasp, like the thought was inconceivable.
He stood swiftly and took a couple of steps away from her while he crammed his hands into the pockets of his pants. Blair recognized what he was doing. He was shutting himself down again. From her, himself, and any other person that dared to get to close to him. “I did it because I felt like I had nothing else to live for.” He said it simply, as if it wasn’t that big of a deal, but she knew differently.
“I knew how upset 당신 were when your father died Chuck, but I never knew that 당신 would go as far as trying to kill yourself. 당신 have so much life in you. I can’t believe 당신 would do something like that.” She tried to will herself to be calm and let him explain what had happened, but her voice shook with desperation anyways. “You have to tell me what drove 당신 to this.”
Chuck’s head popped up and he took in her tear stained face and the way her body was shaking. “You did,” he watched as her eyes took on a haunted and vacant expression and she tried to stifle her cries. “You were the reason, Blair.”
“What do 당신 mean?”
She still didn’t get it and he had to make himself perfectly clear. “I didn’t try to kill myself because of Bart’s death. I did it because 당신 left. 당신 broke me, Blair.” He whispered on a harsh breath of air.
Blair raised a hand to her chest, like she had been mortally wounded. “You did this because of me?” She did nothing to try and hide her sobs.
He nodded curtly. “Yes, I did. 당신 left me when my father had just died, Blair. 당신 know how much that his death hurt me, but nothing has ever made me feel the pain 당신 did when 당신 vanished into thin air. I went to look for 당신 that night because I had to find you.” His eyes glazed over as he remembered the turn of events of that night. “You know that 당신 were the only one that I would ever come to because you’re the only one that’s ever gotten me. Not Chuck 베이스 the womanizer, but the real me. The person that I’m afraid to show to anyone because I’m terrified of being hurt. I don’t show my emotions and 당신 know that, but I always have to you.”
She could feel his pain radiating across the room and all she wanted to do was take it away, but she couldn’t. It was all because of her. That truth caused a convulsion to go through her body and she buried her head in her arms while her small body shook with sobs.
Chuck continued as though he hadn’t even been interrupted. His voice took on a dark, haunted tone. “When I went to your penthouse and I saw that 당신 left, I couldn’t believe it. I double checked your room and everything was gone. That’s when I realized that 당신 had left. I stayed in your room for hours just hoping that somehow 당신 would come back and offer me some explanation as to why 당신 weren’t there. But it never happened. I left and wandered aimlessly around the city for hours and that’s when I decided to do it.”
Blair wiped at her tears furiously. “I still don’t understand. Why would 당신 do that to yourself just because I had left?”
Their eyes met across the room and the bitterness was gone, but in it’s place was a pain deeply reflected in his brown irises and it was reflected in his soul. “How can 당신 ask me that? 당신 know the answer, Blair.”
“No, I don’t.” She stood up hurriedly and her 옷, 가운 became disarrayed, but she did nothing to fix it.
He started to 옮기기 towards her and she backed up until her back finally hit the wall. “Let me make it perfectly clear, Waldorf,” his tone was snide and abrupt. “I did this to myself because I was in 사랑 with you!” Her mouth opened on a silent gasp, but he paid no attention to that. “I couldn’t 곰 to think that I would never see 당신 again and knowing the fact that 당신 left meant to me that 당신 didn’t care about me at all. My life has always been nothing without 당신 and I didn’t want to live without 당신 anymore. I thought that I would be better off dead.”
As soon as he stopped speaking, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. He placed his arms around her after a moment’s hesitation. They stayed like that for several moments, rocking back and forth, and sharing in each other’s pain. Blair touched his face gently, as though he was made of marble and the slightest touch would break him and send him over the edge.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered it over and over again, 더 많이 to herself than to him. “How?”
Her 질문 jolted him back to reality and he said harshly, “Don’t ask me that.”
“I need to know, Chuck.” She insisted and continued to stare at him because she wasn’t going to back down now.
“You don’t.”
“I do.”
“That’s not important anymore, Blair.”
“Will 당신 just fucking tell me!”
“Fine,” he said savagely. He began to pace around the room in circles, willing himself to tell her the truth that she craved. “There was a party. I went inside, got rip roaring drunk, took some blow, and found myself on a rooftop. I had a bottle of scotch in one hand and everything was blurry and then suddenly there was the realization that I didn’t want to live anymore. All I had to do was lean slightly over the building and I knew that I would fall to my death. I began contemplating it and in my hazy and drunk mind, it felt like the perfect solution to my problem.”
“What happened then?” Blair asked so quietly, that she wasn’t even sure that she had spoken.
He whipped his head around to look at her, but saw that her tears had finally stopped, although a new batch was now glimmering in her eyes. As much as she had caused him pain over the years, he hated doing this to her. It just made everything worse, but this was what she had wanted. “Serena found me just as I almost had one foot dangling over the roof. Nate was right behind her and they pulled me back to safety. This is one of the reasons why Serena and I have become so close. From that night on, it’s been different between the two of us.” His voice raised in decibel as he asked, “Was that enough to satisfy your curiosity 또는 do 당신 still have something to ask me?”
Her bottom lip began to tremble again. “We have to stay away from each other. I can’t let there be even the slightest chance of this ever happening again. 당신 need to leave. Now.” She stressed the point and turned away from him, issuing Chuck out of her life for good.
“I tried to kill myself.”
As soon as the words died from his lips, Blair’s head snapped up and her gaze met his. So many emotions flittered across her face. Shock, remorse, disbelief, and finally love. Her expression turned vacuous and she tried to form words, but found that she couldn’t actually open her mouth to say them. His gaze remained on hers, and she knew that she had to say something. What was he talking about though? She must have heard him wrong because there is no way that what he just said could be possible in anyway. This was Chuck after all and he didn’t let things affect him, like the regular person. At least she didn’t think he did.
“Chuck,” her voice cracked and she tried again. “What are 당신 talking about?”
He continued to look at her and his eyes never left her face. The pain was evident on every one of his features. “I didn’t want to do this Blair because I knew how much it would hurt you.” She put a hand around her back and felt for the vanity chair before collapsing in it. She knew that this was going to be a discussion that she would never forget. “And it didn’t matter how much you’ve hurt me over the years because I didn’t want to do the same thing to you,” he continued. “I wanted to prove how much better I was then 당신 and how 당신 fucked everything up royally.” He noted with a 쓴, 쓰라린 touch.
She was about to speak when he shook his head, so she remained silent. “I never wanted 당신 to find this out Blair because it makes me appear weak and I don’t do weak. I thought that I would give 당신 the opportunity of knowing that 당신 never gave me. I know that if we’re ever going to be able to 옮기기 past anything, then 당신 need to know about this.”
Her 심장 clenched because in a way she knew what he was talking about. Although she chose not to believe it, until he said those exact words again. Maybe she had been mistaken. “I still don’t understand. 당신 need to be 더 많이 specific.” She spoke softly and her throat felt dry, like she would never be able to get the same exact words out again.
Chuck moved steadily until he was kneeling beside her. He made a 옮기기 to grab one of her hands, but ultimately thought better of it because his hand dropped back to his side. He didn’t look at her. “I meant what I said before. The night that Bart died and that 당신 took off, I tried to kill myself.”
He had said it. The tears that she had been holding back for so long began to stream down her face. She couldn’t catch her breath, silent sobs racked her body as he still didn’t look at her, and her 심장 shattered into a million pieces. He was still broken. Chuck had always been broken, but he had never repaired himself. He was still that lost, lonely boy that he had been when they were teenagers. He may have changed, but he still held onto a part of himself.
She tucked her feet underneath her and went into a fetal position. She hugged herself tightly while she thought about all the pain he had been keeping inside of him for these past few years and she felt even worse about keeping Meg from him.
“Why?” she managed to gasp, like the thought was inconceivable.
He stood swiftly and took a couple of steps away from her while he crammed his hands into the pockets of his pants. Blair recognized what he was doing. He was shutting himself down again. From her, himself, and any other person that dared to get to close to him. “I did it because I felt like I had nothing else to live for.” He said it simply, as if it wasn’t that big of a deal, but she knew differently.
“I knew how upset 당신 were when your father died Chuck, but I never knew that 당신 would go as far as trying to kill yourself. 당신 have so much life in you. I can’t believe 당신 would do something like that.” She tried to will herself to be calm and let him explain what had happened, but her voice shook with desperation anyways. “You have to tell me what drove 당신 to this.”
Chuck’s head popped up and he took in her tear stained face and the way her body was shaking. “You did,” he watched as her eyes took on a haunted and vacant expression and she tried to stifle her cries. “You were the reason, Blair.”
“What do 당신 mean?”
She still didn’t get it and he had to make himself perfectly clear. “I didn’t try to kill myself because of Bart’s death. I did it because 당신 left. 당신 broke me, Blair.” He whispered on a harsh breath of air.
Blair raised a hand to her chest, like she had been mortally wounded. “You did this because of me?” She did nothing to try and hide her sobs.
He nodded curtly. “Yes, I did. 당신 left me when my father had just died, Blair. 당신 know how much that his death hurt me, but nothing has ever made me feel the pain 당신 did when 당신 vanished into thin air. I went to look for 당신 that night because I had to find you.” His eyes glazed over as he remembered the turn of events of that night. “You know that 당신 were the only one that I would ever come to because you’re the only one that’s ever gotten me. Not Chuck 베이스 the womanizer, but the real me. The person that I’m afraid to show to anyone because I’m terrified of being hurt. I don’t show my emotions and 당신 know that, but I always have to you.”
She could feel his pain radiating across the room and all she wanted to do was take it away, but she couldn’t. It was all because of her. That truth caused a convulsion to go through her body and she buried her head in her arms while her small body shook with sobs.
Chuck continued as though he hadn’t even been interrupted. His voice took on a dark, haunted tone. “When I went to your penthouse and I saw that 당신 left, I couldn’t believe it. I double checked your room and everything was gone. That’s when I realized that 당신 had left. I stayed in your room for hours just hoping that somehow 당신 would come back and offer me some explanation as to why 당신 weren’t there. But it never happened. I left and wandered aimlessly around the city for hours and that’s when I decided to do it.”
Blair wiped at her tears furiously. “I still don’t understand. Why would 당신 do that to yourself just because I had left?”
Their eyes met across the room and the bitterness was gone, but in it’s place was a pain deeply reflected in his brown irises and it was reflected in his soul. “How can 당신 ask me that? 당신 know the answer, Blair.”
“No, I don’t.” She stood up hurriedly and her 옷, 가운 became disarrayed, but she did nothing to fix it.
He started to 옮기기 towards her and she backed up until her back finally hit the wall. “Let me make it perfectly clear, Waldorf,” his tone was snide and abrupt. “I did this to myself because I was in 사랑 with you!” Her mouth opened on a silent gasp, but he paid no attention to that. “I couldn’t 곰 to think that I would never see 당신 again and knowing the fact that 당신 left meant to me that 당신 didn’t care about me at all. My life has always been nothing without 당신 and I didn’t want to live without 당신 anymore. I thought that I would be better off dead.”
As soon as he stopped speaking, she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. He placed his arms around her after a moment’s hesitation. They stayed like that for several moments, rocking back and forth, and sharing in each other’s pain. Blair touched his face gently, as though he was made of marble and the slightest touch would break him and send him over the edge.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered it over and over again, 더 많이 to herself than to him. “How?”
Her 질문 jolted him back to reality and he said harshly, “Don’t ask me that.”
“I need to know, Chuck.” She insisted and continued to stare at him because she wasn’t going to back down now.
“You don’t.”
“I do.”
“That’s not important anymore, Blair.”
“Will 당신 just fucking tell me!”
“Fine,” he said savagely. He began to pace around the room in circles, willing himself to tell her the truth that she craved. “There was a party. I went inside, got rip roaring drunk, took some blow, and found myself on a rooftop. I had a bottle of scotch in one hand and everything was blurry and then suddenly there was the realization that I didn’t want to live anymore. All I had to do was lean slightly over the building and I knew that I would fall to my death. I began contemplating it and in my hazy and drunk mind, it felt like the perfect solution to my problem.”
“What happened then?” Blair asked so quietly, that she wasn’t even sure that she had spoken.
He whipped his head around to look at her, but saw that her tears had finally stopped, although a new batch was now glimmering in her eyes. As much as she had caused him pain over the years, he hated doing this to her. It just made everything worse, but this was what she had wanted. “Serena found me just as I almost had one foot dangling over the roof. Nate was right behind her and they pulled me back to safety. This is one of the reasons why Serena and I have become so close. From that night on, it’s been different between the two of us.” His voice raised in decibel as he asked, “Was that enough to satisfy your curiosity 또는 do 당신 still have something to ask me?”
Her bottom lip began to tremble again. “We have to stay away from each other. I can’t let there be even the slightest chance of this ever happening again. 당신 need to leave. Now.” She stressed the point and turned away from him, issuing Chuck out of her life for good.
Cecily Von Ziegesar
