Atheism 더 많이 Religion Jokes

adavila posted on Jul 08, 2008 at 07:09PM
So Jesus is in the cross and he starts saying:

-Mary are you there?
- Yes Jesus Im here
then he says

-my friends are you there?
-Yes Jesus we´re here

and than jesus says

-Well than move because Im about to take a piss

Atheism 38 replies

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over a year ago cowgirlfromhell said…

Here's another one,
Q: Why could Jesus walk on water?
A: Everybody knows sh*t floats.
over a year ago teNaxx said…
Look, I have nothing against atheism, but you're making fun of what most of people believe in and you keep saying that we criticize your believings.
over a year ago adavila said…
over a year ago Dearheart said…
And they called US hypocrites... *raises eyebrows* I'm with teNaxx on this one. I don't mind people looking at Christianity with a sense of humor and cracking clean, FUNNY jokes at it (goodness knows Christians get some good laughs out of Atheisim too) but seriously. If you want to be respected, this isn't the way to go about it.

And yes, feel free to yell at me/ignore me all you want. I'm used to it. ;)
over a year ago Sharei said…
OK Dearheart and teNaxx u got a point but still..i find most of religious "myths" funny..ok if not funny then naive..
I really dont know whts waiting for me in the so called afterlife but i know what or who is not!!! Many atheists r too lazy to belive anything they dont want to sit and think ant the purpose of life or anythig like that cause there is no god! Thats what they say...I belive in goodness in each person. My selfawarness (dunno if i used the right word) my counciuosness is enough to be a good person wheather or not theres a god...
ok back to the point..fuck the jokes..if they make u laugh its ok if they hurt u dont read them..if the knife is sharp dont cut urself simple!
over a year ago Sharei said…
Who is benedict XVI?
First german who got his job thanks to the polish guy :P
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
Stop being so sensitive, if you don't like it don't come on this forum......end of really. Also i'm not so bothered about respect =P

"There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"

The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."

The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

From link

over a year ago SG1-090 said…
"Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?



You know if the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point."

~ Bill Hicks!

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over a year ago SG1-090 said…
"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant."

~Bill Hicks again! =D LMAO
over a year ago Sharei said…
Yup watched it its good xDDD
over a year ago Sharei said…
Pope has died and hes waiting to get into heaven, but noone recognizes him. So saint peter called for jesus...jesus comes back to his father (the GOD) and says: u remember this fisherman club i found? guess what! they still work!!!
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
OMG i just got it LOL!
over a year ago adavila said…
I don get it
over a year ago adavila said…
a dumb one

There´s this little kid with a box that has kittens in it and a guy sees this and says
"What you got there JImmy?"
"Christian kittens"
The guy gets confused and he leaves the kid with his kittens. Two weeks after this, the guy sees JImmy playing with his kittens and says:
-Hey Jimmy I see you´re playing with your "christian kittens"
-Oh no they´re atheist sir
-Wait two weeks ago you told me they were christians
-Well yeah but they already opened their eyes look
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over a year ago adavila said…
Dearheart :" me/ignore me all you want. I'm used to it"

that´s just sad
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
^^ HAHA lol i like it ;)
over a year ago Sharei said…
Kittens joke is great xD
over a year ago Sharei said…
Have u ever wondered why Jesus was crucified not for ex. drowned? Aquarium wouldnt look that good above the entrance door...
over a year ago greenchoco101 said…
Ok seriously, lets set all of these religion aside, but respectfully speaking, you have no right to insult any religions like that, if you cant respect it then just dont bother to do such blunt and insulting things cause i know your not fooling yourselves, but others.

Now i learned that being an Atheism is just messing up other religion, and to be honest i even appreciate the Muslims or Jews for doing their traditions and having a life, not like some others do.
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over a year ago MoniBolis said…
so funny :)
over a year ago adavila said…
I dont get you choco having a life?

so making jokes about religion iss...not having a life??
over a year ago Sharei said…
Ok ... i dont stop ppl on the streets and tell them those jokes, u have to know who u can talk to abt certain things..and if im right this is a place for religious jokes isnt it?! So greenchoco visit some other sites if u dont like this one.
over a year ago cowgirlfromhell said…
Wow, insulting much greenchoco?!
Seriously, atheists aren't the only ones making jokes about religion. Everyone tells jokes about religion, even if it's their own, jokes aren't meant to be taken seriously, whoever takes a joke seriously is the one who needs to get a life.

You speak of being blunt and insulting, to be honest, from your comment, you seem pretty hypocritical.

And I agree with Sharei, don't stalk spots and criticise them, it's pretty rude, what did you expect when you went into a forum labeled ''More religion jokes''?
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
We're telling jokes and laughing at them while greenchoco101 only came on to this forum to complain....oh yes we're the ones with no life.
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
And by the way i have nothing against Christains or people of any religion - why would i? But because we're all supposed to be PC now - saying things your not normally supposed to say like religious jokes is fun, funnier than normal jokes because normally it's seen as improper or something...i don't know but i like these jokes just as jokes not insults and if you don't....well that's your problem.
over a year ago katiemariie said…
"Yo mama's so old and fat that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way."

Shit happens.

If shit happens, it's not really shit.

If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Why does this shit always happen to us?

This shit happened before.

Shit happens because you're bad.

Hare Krishna:
Shit happens rama rama.

T.V. Evangelism:
Send more shit.

No shit.

Jehova's Witness:
Knock knock, shit happens.

There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Christian Science:
Shit happens in your mind.

Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Let's smoke this shit.

What is shit anyway?

This shit doesn't bother me."
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over a year ago adavila said…
there was this old guy who got into heaven but no one knew who he was not even him. So they send for Jesus and Jesus starts to question him.
Jesus: Where do you come from?
Old man: From a small town
Jesus: Did you had sons or doughters?
Old man: Only one boy but he wasnt my son
Jesus: (very excieted) What used to be your job?
Old man: I used to be a carpenter
Jesus: FATHER!!!!!!!!!!
Old man: PInocchio!!!!!!!!!
over a year ago SG1-090 said…
over a year ago adavila said…
Jesus and the apostoles were in the last supper they were all ready to leave when Peter says. "Well Jesus, as this is going to be our last supper together why don´t we do something excited"

JESUS: What do you mean my child?
PETER: Well, I have this bag of coke that I´m willing to share
Jesus looked at his diciples and they were looking back all excited waiting for an answer so Jesus says:
JESUS: Alright fuck it let´s do this
Everyone goes crazy and Peter goes first
PETER: MFFFFMMM OH YEAH that´s the stuff
JESUS: me next me next
JESUS: alright here it goes A.. A... SHOOOOO
everyone is silent when suddenly
JUDAS: YOU see guys this is the reason I did what I did he always fucks things up
over a year ago whitelion said…
not funny at all, you guys should find other ways to amuse yourselves
over a year ago xgirl101 said…
People stop hating... THERE JUST jokes its not killing anyone right now right?

And the jokes are good and can bring up a good giggle if you don't be so sensitive! GOSH!
over a year ago mooimafish17 said…
Those are soo funny!
over a year ago Darkshine said…
I love the shit joke, and the kittens. xD
over a year ago caramelmilk said…
big smile
Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
over a year ago caramelmilk said…
big smile

Bible class

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."

"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Billy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"

Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
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over a year ago ggluvslivi said…
(oops, i had my caps lock key on XP)

An atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." The explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the brains out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God’s voice booms out again: "Okay… NOW you're screwed!"

And this one:

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet, but alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...


Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."

A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.

The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!" The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, so he sets him free.

The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the Christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!" The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again, it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.

Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."

Hee, I thought THESE were funny, unlike some of the previous ones.
over a year ago Dragonclaws said…
I like the Christian bear one.
over a year ago IZlover48 said…
haha people over react so much. Most of these jokes are hilarious and there just jokes!!! Everything has a joke. Race, religion, sexual orentaion, gender and most are just for laughs, not hurting anyone.